“Not just hard.” He looked into my eyes. “I’d never told anyone before. No one but Rory.”
“I’m really glad you told me.”
He blew out a rough breath. “I’m really sorry about that night, at Champagne. I’m sorry for anything I’ve ever done that’s hurt you. The sad part is I probably don’t even know all the things I’ve done that’ve hurt you.”
I sipped my drink and thought about how best to respond to that. I wasn’t going to hold anything back, tip toe around so I didn’t hurt him or somehow trigger his PTSD, re-traumatize him. I couldn’t live like that in a relationship. I didn’t want to hurt him, but we had to be open and honest.
So I went with the one thing that hurt the most.
“You hurt me that night you kissed me, three years ago. Do you remember that?”
“Yeah. I do.”
“I was already with Flynn. I had a boyfriend. I’d just stepped outside to call Courteney. She was on her way to the party. It was too loud to call from inside. I wasn’t expecting to run into you. I wasn’t expecting that to happen.”
“I wasn’t either,” he said sincerely. “My mom died that night.”
“What?”
He rubbed a hand over his face. “I’d gotten the call while I was at that party. From my dad. And I handled that by getting wasted. And kissing you, apparently.”
“I’m sorry,” I breathed. “I didn’t know.”
I knew his mom had died, a few years ago. Shayla had mentioned it in passing at some point, but it must’ve been after the fact. If I knew it happened that night, I might’ve connected those dots. But Shayla hadn’t said much about it. She never knew Johnny’s mom, personally.
“It doesn’t excuse that I hurt you,” he said.
“I know. But I’m sorry anyway. Were you ever close to her? I mean, after what happened…?”
“Yes. And no. I didn’t see her much in the years before she died. It was sudden. An overdose of pills. Not really sure if it was on purpose or not. But she really struggled with depression. After… the carjacking.”
“Oh.”
“She was totally different in my memories from childhood. She was kind of wild. Loud, in a good way. Always talking, always laughing, always up to something. She’d take me to festivals and concerts and she’d always have music playing. We’d have dance parties all the time, just the two of us. My dad would watch us dance. It seemed to make him happy.” He got a faraway look for a moment, like he was reliving some memory. “They seemed really happy together. Before the divorce.”
“Maybe they were,” I offered. “For a while.”
“I stopped visiting her when she got really sick. I mean, mentally ill. I didn’t know how to handle it. I hurt her a lot, I think.” He refocused on me. “I don’t know why I’m such a dick to people, Angie. It’s a chronic problem.”
“You’re not a dick.”
He laughed, humorlessly. “I left you waiting for me tonight and I didn’t even realize I was late.”
“Why?”
“Amber wanted to photograph me.” He shook his head, like he couldn’t make sense of it. “She took photos of me. Of my face. Why would she want to do that? After what I did to her? I was so blown away by that, I didn’t even know how to process it. I had all these strange feelings about it on the way here. Guilt, mostly, I think. I don’t know. I don’t even know how to name the emotions. I just kind of zoned out while Lamar was driving. I forgot where we were going.”
Wow. I could relate to that feeling; I’d lost my sense of place and direction many times after some emotional argument with Flynn. But I’d never not known what I was feeling. I felt too much, at times, for sure. I’d felt confusion about my feelings. I’d never been totally unable to name what I was feeling, though.
“Maybe Amber’s forgiven you,” I said gently. “And she can see something beautiful in you, something worth preserving, without wanting anything from you.”
Johnny looked uncomfortable with that idea. I wasn’t sure why.
“Not every woman you meet wants something from you, Johnny,” I told him. “Including your mom. She probably just wantedyou.”
His eyes shone a little and he tried to hide it by looking down when he sipped his drink.
As we waited for our takeout, the conversation turned to other things. The Players’ video, which Shayla had danced in, would be released soon, along with the Players’ new album. Dirty’s new album would release next month, and according to my sister, it was their best work in years. But I joked that she always said that, about whatever her band was working on.
