“This, right now,” Amber added, “also shows who you really are.”
“Thank you.”
“So why are you such a dick in public?” she inquired.
I laughed shortly. I wasn’t sure I had an answer for her, even now.
“Fear?” she guessed. “Weakness?”
“I don’t know. All I can say is I’ve been hiding a lot of things, holding onto them, for a long time. It’s not a pleasant existence.”
I wasn’t about to tell her about the trauma from my childhood. That, I’d only started to tell people I trusted, people I knew—or hoped—would support me through pretty much anything. And I wasn’t looking for her sympathy. I wasn’t even looking for her forgiveness. That was up to her.
I just needed to apologize. Sincerely.
If I didn’t… I didn’t know how I could honestly look Angeline in the eye and expect her to believe in me. I couldn’t ask that of her. Look how I’d treated the woman I married. If I couldn’t take ownership of the pain I’d caused her, how could I even believe myself that I wouldn’t cause Angeline pain?
This was for her, as much as it was for Amber, and as much as it was for me.
“I don’t know what you mean by that,” Amber said carefully. “Hiding things? But I really don’t need to know. I do appreciate you coming here, though. You didn’t have to, and I’m sure it was hard. I also appreciate that you did it without asking me for anything in return.” There was a warning note in her tone.Please don’t ruin this by asking.
I lifted my hands, showing her my empty palms. “No ulterior motives. Just trying to grow as a human. I don’t expect anything from you.”
“Good.” She studied me with her pale green eyes, giving me this strange feeling like I shouldn’t move. So I didn’t. She frowned. “You’ve changed, Johnny.”
“I hope so.”
Then she pushed her lips out in a thoughtful pout, like she was contemplating a subject before photographing it. I’d forgotten that look, but I’d definitely seen it on her face plenty of times, all those years ago.
“Do you have a few minutes?” she asked me. Then she picked up her camera.
I was momentarily stunned. She wanted to photograph me?
“Right now?”
“Yes.” Her keen photographer’s eyes slid over my face. “Right now.” Then she smiled at me, genuinely, for the first time since I’d broken her heart. “Why, you have something better to do than be photographed by your ex-wife?”
ChapterThirty-Five
Angeline
“Idon’t know where he is.”
I hated saying those words, sounding like one of those pathetic girls who didn’t want to admit that her man was a train wreck. But maybe I was one of those girls.
Was Johnny ghosting me? Yet again?
Courteney gave me a supportive look across the table. “I’m sure he’s just stuck in traffic. It’s thick out there.”
We were sitting in a restaurant lounge waiting on our men. She was meeting Xander any minute. The two of them were going to see some band play at a club. I didn’t even pay attention to the details, I was so distracted. I’d been texting with her while I waited for my date, and when we realized we were two blocks apart, she’d ditched the bar she was supposed to meet Xander at to come meet up with me.
I was supposed to be meeting Johnny here for dinner, like half an hour ago.
I checked my phone for what I promised myself would be the last time. “Yeah? Is traffic so thick it’s jamming up his cell signal? Because he hasn’t even texted.”
“I’m sure he’ll be here,” she said, sounding unsure. She could hardly vouch for Johnny, even if she wanted to make me feel better. She didn’t know him that well, and what she did know… well, we all knew his reputation. “How’s it going otherwise? When we spoke a few nights ago you still seemed unsure where the two of you were at.”
“Oh, it’s going. He’s been in and out. I don’t even know.”
