The album took the time it took, but honestly it took me that long to sort my shit out anyway. I’d never really been the impetuous type when it came to my love life, obviously.
Shoving Ash up against the wall of a castle when I barely knew him and screwing my tongue into his mouth was one thing.
Deciding who I was going to be with for the rest of my life—if they’d have me—was another. It was a decision I’d made before, just once, and I’d gotten it wrong.
I couldn’t afford to get this one wrong.
My heart couldn’t afford it, my career couldn’t afford it, and for fucking sure Ashley and Danica’s marriage didn’t need it.
So, I’d backed off. I’d respected the painful but necessary truce.
I’d showed up at the studio every day for my band. I devoted myself to the album, to the songs. I stayed close to Ashley and Danica, but I gave them space, too. I gave them and their marriage some room to breathe, which I figured was the best thing, outside the studio, that I could give either of them.
I had some long talks with Danica, alone. I had long talks with Ash, too, just the two of us. About all kinds of things. But not about our relationship.
I told themI’m not going anywhere, as many times as I thought they might need to hear it. Maybe after that night in Summer’s pantry, I realized how much they needed to hear it.
That maybe I wasn’t the only one who was afraid.
But I still didn’t tell them how much I loved them.
I stayed close, but I stopped clinging to them so tightly.
I told myself if they were meant to be mine, they’d be mine, whether I tried to force it or tried to push them away or not.
They didn’t push me, or push me away. They didn’t challenge me again.
Ash had told me they loved me.
And I loved them more every single day.
Maybe they finally understood how hard this was for me, though. I knew it was hard for them, too. Harder than it might’ve seemed at first. Because the more time passed, the more serious things got between us.
This would never be a casual hookup, a trial run, a fling. For any of us.
It was way too late for all that.
If the three of us got together, Ash and Danica would be taking a risk onus, and so would I. We all knew that they’d accept no less from me than everything I had to give. At this point, I’d accept no less from them, either.
And whatever I gave this relationship, I’d be doing it publicly.
Ash and I were famous. Maybe not Zane Traynor famous, but we were getting there. Which meant that whatever we did, “personal” or not, it had the potential to become public knowledge, and I needed to make peace with that fact.
I needed to be sure of what I wanted and what I was willing to give, and not only for me.
For them, too.
When you truly loved someone, and they loved you, everything you did impacted them. It mattered. Which meant I had to own it. I had to stand up for it.
If I wanted to be with them, I couldn’t keep my feelings a secret anymore—from anyone.
And as the release of the album loomed, Ash started giving me expectant,it’s-about-fucking-timelooks, as he waited on me to man up.
But just walking over to them and sayingAlrighty, let’s do this, or evenI love you, at this point, felt woefully inadequate. I figured I needed to make some sort of grand gesture of the sweepingly-romantic-bordering-on-magical variety to assure them of how serious I was about them. About our relationship.
I wasn’t just looking to dabble in their relationship for shits and giggles, or mess around. I wasn’t gonna ask them for any open relationship bullshit. Since our sad little blowout in Summer’s pantry, I hadn’t even touched anyone else.
It was like I’d decided, with our truce, to commit to this, even if we couldn’t be together yet.
