Fuck.
It was official. I hated seeing him upset like he was this morning. More than that—I wanted him to be happy.
I wanted to be able to make him happy.
Gross.
I used to think wanting to make a man happy was a revolting concept.
Now, I would’ve given almost anything to know what to do here. How to make it so we could both win, and we could both be happy. And somehow be in a relationship together where we didn’t revert to hating each other every time we fought.
Teenage Devi would’ve probably slappedmeif she knew I was going through this right now.
“The thing about him,” I said to Katie out of nowhere, “is that he’s just so annoying.”
“I know,” she said sympathetically. She’d heard it all, many times tonight.
“Why do I care about making him happy?” I said, fucking irritated to no end about it.
Katie burst out laughing.
I huffed and ignored her.
“Devi. You are happiest when you’re scheming with that man. Your wedding? When you guys said your vows and kissed? The both of you had a wicked gleam in your eyes. Like you were pulling one over on the whole world, together, and neither of you could’ve been happier about it. And I’ve never seen you as happy as when you’re negotiating something out of that man.”
“Why does everyone keep telling me how happy I look around him?” I said, exasperated. “Chaz won’t shut up about it at the office.”
“Um, because you do?”
“It’s an act, people!”
Katie kind of sighed, then went silent.
“Did you ever ask yourself,” she said after a moment, “what is the worst thing that could happen to you?”
“Uh, I don’t know. That sounds broody. I don’t do broody. It’s not good for the complexion.”
Katie snorted a little. “Ask yourself right now. Please. For me. What is the worst thing? You have to tell me, and it can’t be like a car accident or you die or something. I mean, what is the worst possible thing that could happen toyou,” she said, “in that vital organ called your heart?”
“Why are you asking me this?” I said grumpily.
“Because I have a theory.”
I sighed. “Do I want to hear this?”
“Look. When I thought things might be coming to an end with Jesse and me, while we were on that first tour, I was feeling really alone, and every time I called you or texted you, you were there for me. And I don’t think even you knew how scared I was. I kept asking myself what was the worst thing that could happen. And my answer? That Jesse told me he didn’t love me. And you know why?”
“Because you already loved him.”
“Right. And therefore, if he didn’t love me back, I was terrified I would take that as evidence that I didn’t deserve to be loved by someone as amazing as him. I’d let him dumping me be an excuse to dump on myself, and it would set me back another two years of my life, or maybe more. You know, like after Josh left me.”
“I know, babe. But Jesse does love you.”
“Yes. But I didn’t know that then, and it was terrifying.” I knew where she was going with this. More or less. “Now tell me,” she said, “what is the worst thing that could happen to Devi Anandi Sereda right now?”
I took a breath. “Okay. I fall in love with Dane, give him everything I’ve got, give himme, and he wants something else. No. Worse. He leaves me for someone he thinks is better. Someone prettier. Or taller. Or shorter. Or smarter. Or stupider.”
“Stupider?”
