Then her pretty eyes landed on me again. “Um. I don’t think he actually does… this.”
True enough. I’d never seen Cary’s studio looking like this fucking disaster. He, too, was kinda compulsively neat, and I’d definitely never caught him binging onGilmore Girls.
Courteney found a small square of kitchen counter that wasn’t covered with crap and set her purse carefully down.
“I figured I’d given you enough time for your pity party,” she said, carefully, and looked at me. “So. You finished?”
“Yeah.”
She perused the dirty dishes. The beer bottles. The takeout containers encrusted with food.
“Jeez. All you need is some sad country song playing.”
“I don’t listen to country.”
She looked at me, and just shook her head a little. I couldn’t even imagine what it was she saw right now.
I just stood there, staring at her.
Whyher?
I hadn’t been with anyone else; not in a long time. I was stuck on this girl I wasn’t supposed to be with. I had a head full of excuses, reasons to push her away, because I knew it was supposed to be wrong, this thing between her and me.
But I wanted her.
No. I loved her.
I was in love with her. Had to be. That was the only explanation for all this shit I was feeling.
All this stuff being around her justmademe feel.
About everything around.
It was like things I’d been afraid to feel for so fucking long were suddenly safe to let out of the dark.
Like she’d painted my world with color when I didn’t even realize it was black-and-white.
“You know what?” She was studying me, and she crossed her arms over her chest. “I’m sick of not being wanted.”
I blinked at her, startled. “What?”
“My parents didn’t want me. Maybe they did at first, but from the time I was thirteen, for sure I was unwanted.”
“That’s not true, Courteney.”
“Oh, yes it is. They love me. I know that. But I was in the way of their lifestyle, their early retirement. And Cary loves me to death, I know that too, but he didn’t want me around, either. Sitting there in his house, making him feel guilty, reminding him there was an outside world. So he paid for my school. They all told me it was what was best for me, this shiny education, the best school around, all that crap. But the truth was none of them wanted me. At least, not enough to have me around.”
“Courteney, that’s not—”
“No. This isn’t self-pity. It’s reality. I know what it feels like to not be wanted, Xander.”
“So do I.”
She went silent. That seemed to surprise her. “Uh… what do you mean?”
“I mean, if I was your age right now, you wouldn’t even look at me twice.”
“What?”
