I could see him falling in love with me, right before my eyes.
And all I wanted to do was assure him I felt the same way.
I nestled in close and kissed him on the lips, as softly and carefully as I’d ever kissed him. “I’m so falling for you, Ashley Calegari.” I used the name he was born with, because I wanted him to know I was falling forhim. All of him.
Not just the rock star he’d become.
He pulled away a bit and pulled out, took the condom off. “Don’t say that if you don’t mean it.”
“Fuck you,” I said, and it was so unexpected, maybe, that a small laugh burst out of him. “You don’t get to imply that I don’t know what I mean. I may be too nice, at times, but when I care about someone, I say what I mean.” I lay my hand on the side of his face. “I wouldn’t want you to go a single second on this Earth unsure of how I feel about you, Ashley. So listen to me, and believe me when I say it. I care about you.” I kissed him again, and then I searched his face. “Do you believe me?”
He didn’t answer me right away. He hesitated for way too long before he said, “I think so.”
“You’re so damn stubborn,” I said, softly. “And so… afraid.”
“Maybe.”
That gave me pause.
Was he really that afraid of me?
Of being hurt by me? Abandoned by me?
I knew he’d been abandoned before.
But didn’t he know what I was made of by now, even just a little bit?
“I’m not some rock star, Ashley.” Obviously he knew that, but maybe it needed to be addressed. “I’m not a superstar. I’m not Elle and I’m not Summer. I’m not any of those groupie girls or party girls you got famous for fucking, either. I know why they called you Player, and it’s never bothered me. Maybe because the whole time I’ve known you, you’ve never acted like that kind of player. Maybe because I understand that that part of you isn’t who you really are, deep inside. Just like who I’ve dated in the past doesn’t define who I am. I mean… I just hope it doesn’t botheryouthat I’m just a normal girl.”
“First of all,” he said, “don’t ever use the wordjustto describe yourself. There’s nothing wrong with being a ‘normal’ girl.”
“I know that. But I’m not Amber, either,” I told him, gently. “I’m not a ‘normal’ girl who’ll be intimate with you and then fall for your friend instead. Because I’m already falling foryou. And that means I’m not going anywhere.” I laid my hand on his chest, over his heart. “I’m not your mom, either, or anyone else who’s ever broken your heart.”
“I know that,” he said, his voice low and choked with emotion. But his eyes told me that his heart still wasn’t sure.
“Will you give me a chance to prove it to you? It takes time, you know.”
“I know it does.” He shook his head. “I don’t know how I started falling for you so damn fast.” He brushed a lock of my hair away from my eye with his thumb as he looked at me. “The only other people I’ve ever fallen for, I knew them a long time before the love part happened, Danica. Amber was the only exception to that, and I only got attached to her so fast because of how close she made me feel to Dylan. I know that now. And the truth is, the other people I’ve loved… Dylan and even Summer… there were all these red flags right from the start. Reasons I knew we were never going to work. But I just tried to ignore them. But with you…” He searched my face. “There are no warning signs. No red flags. Like I think I just tried to invent one tonight with your ex, because I don’t even know how to handle it when there’s just no drama. No games and no bullshit. You’ve been good to me, but… I don’t know what to do with that.” As he spoke, his blue eyes teared up a bit.
My own vision was getting a little blurry. “It’s okay, Ashley,” I said.
“Dylan is good to me,” he said, quietly. “He’s the only one. The only one who’s ever loved me without exceptions. I mean, in a platonic way. But I know I can’t have him. That he doesn’t love me the way I wanted him to.” He rubbed his hand over his face, probably trying not to cry. “And my mom… She was good to me, too, Danica. I’m not gonna say she was like you. She wasn’t the greatest person or the greatest mom, even when she was around. But she was always nice to me. And then she just left.”
“Ashley…” I rubbed away the little tear that had pooled on his lower lashes, and sniffed back my own urge to cry. I needed to show him that I was strong. That I was never going to crumble in the face of all his pain. “I’m not leaving.”
His blue eyes locked with mine.
“I’m not leaving you,” I repeated. “And when I say that, there are no exceptions in my heart. I’m so drawn to you… I couldn’t pretend not to want you if I tried. I don’t want you to be anything different than what you are. I’m so excited, every day, to get to know you just a little bit more. I feel like I’ll never fully understand you, in the very best way. That there’ll always be so much more of you to discover and to love. There’s just too much of you to love. I’m not leaving.”
He said nothing, but I knew my words had touched him.
“The thing you just don’t seem to understand is how crazy I am about you,” I told him.
“Say it again.”
“Okay. I’m crazy about you, Ashley. For you, meeting me was just another moment in your crazy-cool life. You know, you meet cool chicks like me every day,” I teased. “But for me, meeting you wasthemoment.” I scanned his beautiful face and ran my thumb over his bottom lip. “When you came up to me that night in the rain, it changed my life. I don’t get a chance to fall for a man like you every day.” I kissed his lips. “I mean, there is no other man like you.”
“If you think you didn’t change my life,” he said, his voice rough with emotion, “you’re dead wrong. And yeah, I meet cool people every day, which is how I can tell you for a fact, you may be an identical twin, but you’re an original, Danica Vola. One-of-a-kind.”
