I looked at her. She still wouldn’t look atme.
“I… uh…” I cleared my throat; kinda felt like I’d tried to swallow a whole, live frog. “I wanted adrink.”
No one saidanything.
“So Seth took me for adrive.”
“Where?” Brodyasked.
“Out of town. Into the desert.” I knew what they were all probably picturing. Me going hog-wild at some strip joint. “We talked for abit.”
“You alright?” Judeasked.
“I willbe.”
“Did you drink?” When I looked at Brody again, he was staring at me, hard and direct. “You know I’ve gotta ask,brother.”
“I didn’tdrink.”
When I looked at Maggie again, her eyes finally lifted to mine. Gray and soft, raw and pink. She blinked like she was holding back tears. But I saw the relief in her shoulders as they softened abit.
Then she kept staring at me, and I had to lookaway.
“I had some time to think,” I told them all, staring at the coffee table, “and I talked some shit through with Rudy just now. The way I see it, I’ve gotta cut myself some slack, but not too much. So I’ve given myself two choices. I can leave the tour right now and check myself into rehab before I actually drink, or I can get my shit together right here, on tour, before I drink. Because drinking is not an option. I’ve decided, after talking to Rudy, that I’m giving myself one chance. Just one. And if I break, if I fuck up and take a drink, I’m asking Jude to take me torehab.”
“Yeah, brother,” Jude said. “Whatever you need. You’ve got my support to stay on the tour. You know that. I’ve got your back and Shady’s got your back, and the second you need anything to change, you say the word. You need me to take you to rehab, I take you, no questionsasked.”
I glanced up at Jude. He was standing there with his big arms crossed and his dark eyes leveled at me. I nodded, swallowing around the lump in mythroat.
“Same goes with the weed,” I said. “I’m done withit.”
The expression on Jude’s face didn’t falter. Whether he believed I could hold up my end of that or not, he didn’t show any sign of doubt. “Okay.”
I glanced at Brody, and he nodded too. “We’re all onboard,” he said. “Whatever youneed.”
“Good. Because I’m gonna need you guys to work out a new schedule for me, keep me busy during the day. But no interviews for a while. And no meeting fans backstage. We can tell them I’m saving my voice for the shows. I need the shows. But I can’t handle the people in my face rightnow.”
“You’ve got it,” Brodysaid.
“And I need no booze or drugsbackstage.”
“Not a problem,” Judesaid.
“It’s not forever, just for a while. Seth’s gonna be around when I want to talk. I’m gonna need support.” I felt Maggie’s eyes on me, and I couldn’t even look at her. “I know it’s not her job, but since Talia won’t be as tied up with my promo shit, I thought maybe she could find me AA meetings to go to, each town we hit. You know I don’t want all that Betty Ford shit. I like going to regular meetings with regular people in whatever church basement. I don’tcare.”
“Yeah, Zane,” Brody said, his voice soft. “Weknow.”
I lowered my head. I was getting fucking teary-eyed, but I didn’t want to cry. I just couldn’t believe I was having a moment like this, when I’d convinced myself all these moments were behind me now. That I had all my shit undercontrol.
Seth was right, though. I was out ofcontrol.
And I was falling apart in front of the people who loved memost.
“I’m sorry,” I said, and my voice fucking broke. “I’m sorry I’m putting this on you all right now, when I should’ve dealt with it before the tour. I can see thatnow.”
Someone moved in, and I saw Jude’s boots in front of me. He pulled me up into another hug. “You know we’d do anything for you, brother,” he said, quietly, right in my ear. “Anything youneed.”
When he released me, Maggie was right there. She reached for me and I scooped her into my arms, hugging her so tight I almost couldn’t breathe. I wasn’t expecting her to come anywhere near me, but she was hugging me right back,tight.
