I walked over to where he lay and stood over him, staring down, but he didn’tmove.
“Yeah,” he said. “I know you’re in love with Maggie, and I know you’re probably wondering where the fuck I stashed the car key right now, ’cause you want to get right back in that car and leave me in the dust so you can go get stoned. So. What’re you gonnado?”
Fuck.
I rubbed my hands over my face andsighed.
Nothing. I wasn’t gonna doanything.
I wasn’t even mad at Seth, really. Except that I kinda was. I was itching with the need to smoke up, and I hated myself forit.
I hated people calling me on it. Pointing out my weaknesses tome.
I wasn’t fucking stupid. I knew I shouldn’t be smoking weed. I knew it was a fucked-up replacement for liquor, in a way. Way less volatile in my life, but no less addictive. No less dangerous to an addict likeme.
Fucking insidious shit; it was gonna do me in one way oranother.
I’d never wanted to admit that to myself, but I fuckingknew.
I knew I was a cranky bastard when I didn’t smoke up, when I was craving it, whenever withdrawal started to hit. That I was moody and uneven depending on how much I did or didn’tsmoke.
It was fucking bullshit, and like the addict I was, I just kept telling myself the solution was moreweed.
More weed, and I’d feelbetter.
Fuckingpathetic.
I never wanted to end up as fucking pathetic as I’d been at the height of my drinking; when I’d looked back with sober eyes and really seen the shit I’ddone.
Or at least, the shit I could rememberdoing.
But here I was. Heading right down that samehole.
Same fucking shit, differentpile.
“So this is the part where I go hit the nearest meeting and start working the Twelve fucking Steps all overagain?”
“Told you. I’m not here to tell you what to do. But you want steps? Step one, flush your weed down the nearest toilet, all of it, and stop that shit. And once you stop jonesing and twitching for it and actually have a clear head for once, take a look at Maggie and see what you see. If what you see is the woman you want by your side for the rest of your life, then you find a way to make that shithappen.”
Yeah. Fucking brilliantadvice.
If only I knewhow.
“And here’s another guarantee I can give you, brother,” he added. “You’re never gonna make that happen while you’re smoking up and fucking otherwomen.”
I turned away and looked out at the fucking desert, like it had anyanswers.
Empty.
The sky was pretty fucking empty, too. Just a big void of silence, echoing back the truth of Seth’swords.
“Maybe if I had her,” I said, “I wouldn’t be smoking up and fucking otherwomen.”
“Uh-huh. Because it’s her fault,right?”
I looked at Seth, lying there with his hands folded over hisribs.
Jesus Christ, whose side was this fuckeron?
