It was like I was performing just for her, singing every song to her… and waiting for her to pass judgment onme.
Waiting for some kind of thumbs-up from her that was probably never gonnacome.
She didn’t say one word to me, either before or after the show. She didn’t talk to me all day. I’d barely even seen her in the last two days; she’d been avoiding me ever since she ran out of that bar where I was feeding her shots the othernight.
I’d seen her in the shadows backstage, but she wouldn’t even meet myeyes.
Christ.
All those fuck-ups… They’d just compounded in my head with the pressure of knowing she waswatching.
A few minor fuck-ups were pretty normal, typical at the first few shows of a newtour.
And yet the entire show tonight was sitting all wrong withme.
Again.
Even the weed wasn’t helping as much as itshould.
I shouldn’t have needed the weed anyway, but fuck it, what else did I have? It wasn’t like Maggie’s pussy was waiting for me, warm and ready when I cameoffstage.
And touching another woman was out of thequestion.
I didn’t need any otherwoman.
But I needed thistour.
I needed the music and I needed theshows.
For some addicts, touring knocked them right off the wagon. Every time. It was the constant partying, the free access to all the shit that came along with thepartying.
Booze. Drugs.Sex.
For me it was the opposite. It was the band, the music, the touring that kept me sane andsober.
But I needed it to go a certainway.
When it came to my talent, some people called me a perfectionist. So be it. The bar I set for myself and those around me was incredibly fucking high; I knew that. And yes, that high bar was probably half the reason I was an addict in the first place. Got me drinking, then drinking to excess, because reaching for that high bar all the fucking time? It was exhausting and damn neardebilitating.
The constantstriving.
The almost crippling fear offailure.
But once I got sober, I still reached for that high bar. I reachedhigher.
And goodthing.
Those high expectations I set for myself, for my voice, for my performance… they kept me sharp. They kept me engaged and wanting more, always pushing to bebetter.
They kept me at thetop.
And they kept me from ever thinking about givingup.
I could never give up on anything once I’d decided I wanted it. Just wasn’t inme.
Even if the pursuit of it destroyedme.
That’s why I would never give up onMaggie.
