Everything I felt for Maggie, since I’d gotten clean, had only intensified. The feelings were always this intense, but the pot just kinda dulled them down, or distracted me from them. Intense feelings, in general, without anything todoabout them—like get stoned—were a lot to deal with rightnow.
Definitely didn’t make it any easier to stay off theweed.
But I had to admit, actually experiencing the intensity of my feelings for Maggie, while pretty overwhelming, was pretty fucking incredible,too.
Like when we’d had sex without a condom… There was nothing to buffer the connection between us. It was raw, powerful;naked.
“But,” she said, “I just can’t be in a relationship with you if you’re using, Zane. You’re really… different… when you’redrinking.”
“Nodoubt.”
“And when you smoke pot…” She shook her head and sighed a little, like she was really trying to find the right words. “I like who you are, Zane. I really do. I wish you could understand how much that’s true, despite how much I’ve pushed you away. But I feel like the pot is just a slippery slope to all the otherstuff.”
“I know you do. And you’d beright.”
She stared at me,surprised.
“You wouldn’t be the first person to say that to me,Maggie.”
“Oh.” She went silent for a moment, thinking. “Okay. So here’s the thing. I feel like when you need to smoke weed it means you’re out of control, even just a bit, and it scares me.” She shrugged with discomfort, her shirt slipping a little farther off her shoulder. “I guess… it’s my hard limit. Does that makesense?”
“Hard limit…” I repeated, considering that. “So you’re saying… spanking and tying you up is okay,then?”
Her eyes narrowed at me a little. Then her full lips twitched in the hint of a smile. “Good to know giving up weed hasn’t dulled your sexdrive.”
“Actually,” I admitted, “it’s kinda made mehornier.”
At that, her eyes went wide. “I’m… uh… not really surprised. It’s definitely made you… clearer. It’s subtle, but your eyes are clearer. You’ve been brighter, in general, since you stopped smokingup.”
I had to hold back a smile. “Brighter?”
“Yeah. Like all your dazzling-golden-sun-god shit just got more blinding. It’s annoying,really.”
Now I full-on grinned. “Sungod?”
“You know that’s what they call you.Rock’s golden god.Like, girls get a sun tan just gazing atyou.”
Ilaughed.
She frowned. “I think we’re getting beside the point…” Then she wrapped her arms aroundherself.
And this was it. The moment Maggie started raising her defenses and I turned up the charm, cranked up the flirt, pressed into her space and got my hands on her, daring her toresist.
But I didn’t. Not thistime.
My pulse was beating in my dick, my growing hard-on getting uncomfortable in my jeans, and yes, I wanted to fuck her. I wanted to pull her to me, peel off her clothes, jam my tongue in her mouth and my cock in her pussy and never let her go. I wanted to fuck her on the floor and on every piece of furniture she had. Never mind that we’d fucked right here on this couch about six monthsago.
But I knew I had to keep it platonic, as hard as that might be. For now. Because I wasn’t ready to touchher.
Because if I fucked her again and she put up her wall, I couldspiral.
I had no fallback now. No parachute. No bag of weed in my pocket to take the edgeoff.
And no way was I touching anotherwoman.
It was Maggie for me, but it wasn’t even about proving that to her anymore. I definitely didn’t need to prove it to myself. I didn’t need to convince anyone that Maggie was the woman forme.
I didn’t care about any of thatanymore.
