“And I know he can be a royal fucking asshole when he wants tobe.”
“Amen tothat.”
“I know he has demons and he struggles with addiction and he’s slutted his way through many a world tour,” she said, “but I also know he lost his parents young, younger than I did, and I know what that does to a person. How it shapes you in a way that’s so unfair, that’s beyond your control because you’re too young to even know it’s happening. And there’s this hole that stays with you, this missing piece, because you never get to find out how different you might’ve been if your parents had been there to parent you. I know he’s far from perfect, Maggie, despite what a lot of his fans might think. And I can see why he would fall for you. If I had to choose a woman for Zane Traynor, I don’t think I could find a woman better for him than you. But if you asked me if he’s the right man for you… I don’t think I could answerthat.”
“Would you think I was crazy if I said I think the answer to that is yes? And I think the only thing really standing in the way of us is that I’m tooscared?”
“You’re not crazy, Maggie,” she told me. “But what are you scaredof?”
I took a breath and braced myself to admit to her what, so far, I’d only admitted aloud to Zane. “I’m scared that he’s too much like mydad.”
“Ah.”
“I’ve known too many men like him, Jessa,” I said, feeling the need to elaborate, even though she hadn’t balked at my confession or judged. “I’ve seen the broken marriages and the addictions and the womanizing and the damage and the pain and the bullshit. I’ve seen it up close, and I don’t know that I’m strong enough to deal with it. I don’t know if I can handle having my heart broken like that. I feel like I’ve already lived through it all, my whole life, with my dad, and I just don’t want to do it anymore. Even just thinking about it is painful. All the conversations I’ve had with my dad when he’s wasted, and visiting him when he’s been in the hospital, and all the forgotten birthdays, having him disappear for months at a time, showing up with a different girl on his arm every other time I see him… He keeps getting older, but the girls stay the same age.” I shook my head at the thought, so disturbing to me. “I’ve seen Zane with so many women over the years, and I don’t think I could bear to see him live like that for the rest of my life if we really did attempt to be together and it didn’t work out. I’ve always been afraid that if that happened, I’d be fired from Dirty, but to be honest, I think I’d have to leave anyway. If Zane and I were together and then we weren’t, even if he and Brody and the rest of the band wanted me to stay, I’d have togo.”
“I wouldn’t blame you,” Jessa said, without the slightest hesitation. “And I know Brody and Elle wouldn’t blame you either. Seth would probably understand, too, given what he’s lived through with his own addiction and recovery. And the rest of them can go fuck themselves if they don’t understand. Because who would want to live like that? That’s not a life for you, Maggie. I love you, and I’m telling you, I don’t want you to be miserable. You deserve so much better than that. What woman would be strong enough to deal with that anyway? I don’t even think it has to do with strength, because honestly, you’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever known. I don’t think there’s any question that you’re strong enough to make a marriage work, even with a lunatic like Zane Traynor, as long as he mans up on his side of things. But I understand what you’re saying. If you two didn’t stay together, I don’t see how you could keep working withDirty.”
“I couldn’t. I know Icouldn’t.”
Jessa sighed sympathetically and sipped her tea. “Then maybe you just need to ask yourself if you’re willing to take that kind of risk, Maggie. Is Zane worth that risk toyou?”
She was right. At the end of the day, that really was the most important question I needed to ask myself. And when I did, the answer came to me veryclearly.
“He is worth the risk,” I told her, quietly. “If he’s clean andsober.”
“Well, then, that is one hell of a risk,” she said, holding my gaze. “Because I don’t think any addict can guarantee you they’ll be clean every day for the rest of theirlife.”
“They can’t,” I agreed, thinking of my dad and all his useless, empty promises over the years. “There are few guarantees in life, right? And you and I both know that one would never be iron-clad.”
“Whichmeans…”
“Which means,” I finished for her, “I either trust him or I don’t. I take a chance or I don’t. Because there is no guarantee of anything here, and the risk isreal.”
“Yeah,” Jessa agreed. “But if you love someone with your whole heart, Maggie, the risk is alwaysreal.”
Chapter Sixteen
Zane
Iwason a plane to Vancouver around midnight, eight hours after Maggie’s flight took off—after I’d finished my work and as fast as Talia could arrange a flight for me. I had some shit to do in Chicago, including a creative meeting for the “Blackout” video that Brody strongly advised me not to bailon.
Then I hit theair.
It was a private jet, straight from O’Hare to Vancouver, and since we were flying back two time zones and Talia had a car waiting for me at the Vancouver airport, I got to Maggie’s place just after midnight, Vancouvertime.
I would’ve brought flowers and candy and teddy bears and fucking balloons if I thought it would help, but since it probably wouldn’t, I came alone and empty-handed. I left Shady in the car and rang thebell.
I didn’t message Maggie on the way or let her know I was coming. I never told anyone exactly why I was suddenly jetting to Vancouver. Likely, they knew. Maybe they gave her a heads-up.
I had noidea.
But it took her a long-ass time to open thedoor.
A light went on inside, then there was a definite pause as she checked me out through the peephole. The lock clunked open and the door cracked, and Maggie looked at me, uncertain, through the gap. She looked tired, but not like I’d woken her up. More like she’d been trying to sleep and failingmiserably.
“What are you doing here?” she askedsoftly.
“What areyoudoinghere?”
