“Yeah.”
“You once asked me what I would do about it if I were you,” she said. “About the marriage. And I told you that would depend on how much I loved him. So… how much do you lovehim?”
“Enough to stay married to him for almost two years, in secret, and pretty much put myself throughhell.”
“So,” she concluded, “a lot. Enough to make a marriagework.”
I looked over at her, and she was looking back at me,steady.
Jessa Mayes had changed in the last year. She’d grown up. Matured and softened and gotten stronger all at once. She looked good, too. Obviously, she always looked good. She was a lingerie model, for one. Long brown hair with golden highlights and this undeniably gorgeous face; similar brown eyes and dazzling smile as her rock starbrother.
But these days, she looked like she wasfeelinggood, too. Coming home, coming back to Dirty and writing with the band again, being with Brody and having baby Nick, becoming a mom and someone we could all count on… she’d become part of us again. Part of our family. It was good for her, and it was good forus.
It was good for me, because she’d become someone I could count onagain.
“I’ve never talked to anyone else about him,” I told her. “Justyou.”
“You can talk to me about anything,Maggie.”
“Yeah.”
She fiddled with her phone, and a new song started. It was “Maggie May” by RodStewart.
I groaned. “You’re a bitch. I hate thissong.”
“And you forget I was there,” she said, big brown eyes blinking at me innocently. “I was at the Wet Blanket show in L.A. when Zane sang this song, and you definitely didn’t hate it that night. You looked pretty starry-eyed, if Irecall.”
“I hate you a little rightnow.”
Jessa grinned, but she left the song playing quietly. And I wondered what I’d come here to talk to her about, exactly. Or if I’d even wanted totalk.
Maybe I just wanted to be with someone whounderstood.
I knew Jessa understood both Zane and substance abuse in ways maybe I didn’t, and maybe neverwould.
“You know,” I confessed, “sometimes I think he must think I’m crazy. Or other people will, when I try to explain our fucked-up relationship to them. Like maybe no one will understand why Zane smoking pot is such a big deal to me. What’s wrong with someone smoking pot? It’s not like he’s shooting up in some skeezy alley or binging on hookers and blow. And he’s not like your typical stoner cliche, you know? He’s not a burnout. He’s Zane Fucking Traynor. The man gets shit done. He’s still a rock god, no matter how much pot hesmokes.”
Jessa shook her head. “It’s not about that,” she said gently. “It’s not about the type of drug someone uses or how much they use or how fucked-up they get on it. It’s the fact that he can’t stop doing it. I mean, if he can’t. If he chooses getting stoned over any other important thing in his life, even once… that’s the addiction part. And even if it seemed under control, it won’t stay thatway.”
“Right. I know that. I’ve seen it all, with my dad, you know? I know where it all leads. And Zane wasn’t in control. From my point of view, things have been amazing since he stopped smoking up. But I guess we’ll just have to see how it goes? I’m afraid to get my hopes up too high,Jessa.”
“I don’t blameyou.”
“Like I think when I went after his dick this morning, part of me just wanted to see what would happen. See if us fucking would trigger him to flip right back into his old ways, or if he’s really done with all that shit. I don’t want to be a trigger for him, and I don’t want sex to be, either. I guess I don’t know what might set him off, and it puts me in a scary place. It’s fucked-up. I’ve just never known how to trust him. That’s on him, because he’s definitely done a lot of shit to make me lose faith in him, but it’s also on me. I’ve got trust issues through theroof.”
Jessa took that in, and she didn’t seem too quick to want to blame me, but I knew I had ownership in this mess. It wasn’t allZane.
“You know, I’ve known Zane since we were kids,” she mused. “He’s always been like a brother to me. And I never messed around with him, was never infatuated with him or anything, so I probably understand him better than most women would, in a way. I never had rose-colored glasses on when it came to Zane, you know? I could see his issues pretty clearly, even when I was neck-deep in my own. I know what he’s made of, and I probably know things about him that most peopledon’t.”
“Yeah. Most definitely. You see that boy you grew up with and the man he became, right? The real, multi-dimensional Zane. A lot of people can’t see past the rock starthing.”
“Yeah.” Jessa fixed me with her brown eyes. “Which means I know he has a huge, beautiful heart,Maggie.”
My chest tightened at her words and tears sparked my eyes. Because she was right aboutthat.
“And I know he can be loyal, and I know he’scomplicated.”
“Yeah,” Iagreed.
