But the mere thought of Jude blowing me off because he might be at his clubhouse with some other woman in hislap?
It made me feel mildly homicidal withjealousy.
I sat at my desk, looking out at the slice of water and the sparkling lights of downtown, which I could see through a gap in the high-rise buildings across from mine. My phone lay in front of me, the little light blinking to tell me I had new messages. I’d left the sound off for the last couple of hours while I worked on mylaptop.
And maybe because I was avoidinghim.
What if he messaged with some lame-ass explanation (i.e., lie), and/or blew me off morepermanently?
What if he didn’t message atall?
I never play a game that I can’twin.
That’s what I’d told him, and I’d definitely meantit.
Especially when it came tohim.
Neither doI.
That was what he said, and I believedhim.
Was I just a game to him, then? A game to be played and won, or manipulated however he liked, or worse—abandoned as soon as things didn’t seem to be working out in hisfavor?
And if so, where did I really fall on his prioritylist?
Deadlast?
When I finally checked my phone, there was no new message from Jude. Just some random Tinder dudes and Instagram messages. And Jessa, asking me if I’d hang out with her on Friday night, after my meeting withBrody.
I texted her back:I’ll bring the wine and gingerale.
Since she was breastfeeding, I knew she wouldn’t drink with me, but hey, I could drink alone,right?
When I finally went to bed, all I could think about was how hard I’d fallen for Jude Grayson, once upon a time. I really didn’t think about it, ever. But now it was all coming back, the memories sharp and painfully fresh. As if they’d been waiting all along. As if being ignored for so long had only made themstronger.
Kind of like my feelings forhim.
Yes, I’d had a sexual bucket list. But I would’ve tossed the entire bucket out in a heartbeat forJude.
Because I was in love withhim.
I thought I was. It wasn’t like I had any other experience to guide me or compare the depth of my feelings to. I’d never been in lovebefore.
I’d never known how far I couldfall.
I really didn’t know how it would feel until ithappened.
I also didn’t know how it would feel to be lovedback.
For a few oddly painful days, I’d really thought he did love meback.
It turned out I was wrong, anyway. At least, about his feelings forme.
I made that mistake with Jude once and it was, in a word,devastating.
Was I really so willing to risk making the same mistakeagain?
* * *
