Page 166 of Dirty Like Jude

“Is this gonna be a problem foryou?” he askedme.

“No,” I said. Reactive.Defensive.

Fuckingscared.

I just wanted this conversation over with. Because it made me feel horriblyexposed.

I’d been living this lie, this secret, for so long now, I’d gotten weirdly used to the constant discomfort of it all. The guilt. The pressure. The small, almost daily deceptions. And maybe I’d convinced myself I could just stay used toit.

As long as it was kept asecret.

I’d convinced myself, maybe, that no one would everknow.

That we’d figure things out, somehow, before anyone ever had to findout.

But we hadn’t figured thingsout.

We hadn’t figured anythingout.

I’d refused, flatly refused, to move forward with our so-called “relationship.” And Zane had refused to give me an annulment or a divorce. We were still secretly married but not married. Both of us holding onto something so stubbornly, so defiantly and so tightly, it was bound tobreak.

And yet, it couldn’tbreak.

Not in the middle of a worldtour.

Too many people were involved. There was too much pressure, too much expectation. Too much money already invested, too much time already put in, too much work alreadydone.

Too many people counting onthis.

To break was not anoption.

So I stood strong, like I always did, and I told Jude what he needed tohear.

“Everything will be fine,” I told him. “The tour will be incredible,” I assured him. “There will be no problem between me andZane.”

But I really didn’t know if any of that was the least bittrue.

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