And I wanted to seeher.
The documentary TV series that Dirty had shot this summer while searching for a rhythm guitarist, and ultimately hiring Seth back, was starting to air tonight. Brody had decided to host a screening of the first episode. But he was keeping it tight, just the inner circle and theirdates.
Maggie had sent me the guest list, and of course Roni was on it. Roni was never all that tight with the band, but she was tight with JessaMayes.
Since the screening was at Jessa’s house, wasn’t much chance I was getting that name scratched off the list, even if I wantedto.
Didn’t love that this was how we were seeing each other, walking into a room of people, instead of alone. But seeing her face-to-face seemed like a better option than a text messageanyway.
Better way to approach her and see if maybe she was as unhappy about the way things went down a week ago as Iwas.
7:22pm.
I rolled into Brody’s place alone. I wasn’t the first to arrive or the last, but when I walked into the party room, Roni was already there, helping Brody set up at thebar.
And the feelings I had when I saw her there… Nothing butwarmth.
Relief.
A kind of softening of the tension I’d been carryingaround.
Goodfeelings.
All goodfeelings.
But then I watched as she went to sit down on a couch… and Zane sat down next to her. Elle was on his other side, so it’s not like he was sitting down with Roni in particular… Butshit, did it stick in mythroat.
Seeing her sitting next to him likethat.
She’d looked up when I walked in. So I knew she knew I washere.
But she didn’t come nearme.
She smiled at something Zane said, and the ugliness in me crept up. That old voiceinside.
The one that wondered if maybe it really was all about sex for her, and alwayswas.
But I knew, I fucking knew that wasn’ttrue.
I endured the screening. The show was pretty damn good, thanks to Liv being a kickass director, even if it had a touch of that cheesy reality-contest-show feel. Zane and Jesse were great. Lots of banter and white-toothed smiles. Theusual.
Roni remained on the couch, next to Zane, the whole time. They didn’t talk all that much, but the ugliness festered in me until I had to walkout.
I made up some bullshit excuse to take off before anyone else, kissed Jessa and the baby, and drove the fuckhome.
When I got there, I dug out some weed. I didn’t even bother keeping cream soda stocked at home. Toodangerous.
I went out to my back porch and sat alone in the dark and smoked. I never smoked alone. I rarely smoked atall.
But I smoked in the dark, and Iremembered.
* * *
Eight long monthsafter I’d told Roni she wasn’t the marrying kind and basically made a grade-A drunken asshole of myself, we came back home off the first worldtour.
With the wind totally yanked the fuck from oursails.
Seth had been kicked out of Dirty at the end of the tour. Literally on the last night of the tour, after the last show. The band couldn’t handle his drug abuse anymore, or the erratic behavior that was a result of it, and he had so much drug debt, so many bad choices dragging him down… no one could save him from himself by that point—evenme.
