I wondered if it was already over before it hadbegun.
Just like the lasttime.
And all the times beforethat.
* * *
After Jude tookmy hand in that bar and told mewe’re not goin’ down that road, you better believe I stayed the hell away fromhim.
Days became weeks, and then monthspassed.
Almost twoyearspassed.
At some point, I started dating Ben, one of Piper’s best friends and a King who went by the road name Blazer. Unlike Piper, Ben had pursued me. It was fun, sometimes, but we weren’t always the world’s best match. We were on and off and on again. He treated me with respect, mostly, but like my other relationships with men—other than Jude—it wasn’tdeep.
Meanwhile, Jessa had kept doing whatever she was doing with Seth. But things between them seemed rocky and about as on and off as Ben andme.
Dirty had landed a record deal off their demo. Even when it happened, I didn’t realize what a life-changing thing that would be forthem.
Or how much farther it would take Jude away fromme.
Brody had gotten some huge inheritance when his dad died, and he bought a house in North Vancouver which became the band’s party palace. But I never went to those parties. Dirty’s debut album,Love Struck, was released and they had a number one hit right out of the gate with “Dirty Like Me,” a song Jessa had co-written. She’d co-written the entire album, but she didn’t seem to want to stick around to reap the benefits; she refused to go on tour with the band in support of the album even though her brother wanted her to go and I told her she wascrazy.
We actually fought about it; shecried.
She seemed dead set on modeling instead and left for the summer to model overseas. Then she came back to start college in the fall, and while she was in her first year of college and I was working at a store in the mall, just trying to scrape together enough money to make rent on the apartment I shared with two roommates and borrowing Jessa’s study materials—she was studying media and public relations, something I would’ve liked to do if I could figure out how to afford it—Dirty left on their first worldtour.
And Jude went withthem.
I would’ve liked to see the band before they left, but by that point there was really no getting close to Dirty unless you knew someone who could get you close. They’d moved into a new, private rehearsal space and Jessa never hung out with them anymore, didn’t go to shows and didn’t hang out at rehearsals or anything. And I was hardly gonna show up and rely on Jude to let mein.
I hadn’t seen him even once since that show at the Back Door—the one where he ripped out my heart and served it to me on an ice-cold platter. If he ever showed up at some party I was at with Ben, which happened on occasion, I turned around and left the party just asfast.
I wanted to be able to put on a brave face and wish him and the band well when they left town. But it stillhurt.
So I settled for messaging Jesse. I never saw him anymore either, but I had his phone number, so I texted to wish him well on the tour and left it atthat.
Months later, the band came home for a break from the tour. There was a party at Brody’s house, and to my surprise, not only was Jessa going but she asked me if I wanted to go withher.
To my surprise, I saidyes.
She’d also invited a friend from college, Maggie, and I soon realized the only reason Jessa was even going to this party was because Maggie wanted to work in the music industry and Jessa said she’d introduce her toBrody.
Jessa also brought some skeezy guy she’d been dating; a dude who offered us cocaine and crank while we drove to the party in Maggie’scar.
I declined, and was relieved as fuck when both Jessa and Maggie did too. I wasn’t against a little experimentation in the right circumstances, but this dude wasdirty, and no way was I ever tryingmeth.
The party was great. Tons of people, tons of booze, hot guys, drunk girls, the usual. I hung out with the band a bit, mainly Jesse and Seth, who’d always been nice to me. I made sure to say hi to Brody and thank him for having me and all that. And I did my best to keep an eye on Jessa and her skeezydate.
Jude, of course, was at theparty.
I didn’t talk to him, atfirst.
He didn’t talk to meeither.
The first time I saw him, he and Brody seemed to be in a mood. I saw them pull Jesse aside, and a short while later I watched as Jude escorted Jessa’s date right out the door and tossed him in the street. Then Jessa and Brody got in a screaming match. Well, Jessa screamed. Brody just kind of stood there, ashen-faced and looking like he wanted to strangle her. Then she stormed off into the house and I went afterher.
I found her at the bar in the party room, where I helped her polish off an army of shots. Mostly, she did the polishing. I just had a few. I felt way more nervous than I thought I would seeing Jude, especially when he barely looked at me, and I was scared of getting wasted and doing or saying something horrifying in front ofhim.
