And just like that, Seth was out of the running. Forgood.
I did not say a word aboutit.
In my head, I’d already let go of any hope that the band would come around. Zane would, possibly. Maybe he already had. Dylan might, too. But Jesse and Brody were firmly against even the idea of Seth rejoining the band, and clearly, they weren’tbudging.
When we were done and both Jesse and Dylan had left, I stuck around for a few extra minutes; the guys had invited me to join them for lunch and beers, but I’d declined. I lingered just long enough to tell Brody and Maggie, in person, that I needed some space. I’d honor commitments already made. I’d be at the auditions, of course. But otherwise, I wanted to be left alone for a while. A few weeks. Nothingoutrageous.
They could give me that,right?
Maybe they thought I was just annoyed with them for sending Liv down to Kauai to interview me. Maybe they thought I was just trying to get under Jesse’s skin somehow by taking photos with Seth, holding hands on thebeach.
Who knew? We hadn’t exactly talked aboutit.
Since I’d come back from Hawaii, no one other than Dylan had said a word to me about my time in Kauai with Seth. It was there in their eyes when they looked at me, but no one had asked. Maybe they’d all agreed not to bring itup.
Maybe Brody had advised them not to bring it up, in hopes of making the whole thing just goaway.
Maybe Maggie or Dylan had suggested they leave it alone and leave me to myprivacy.
I didn’t know. I didn’t particularly want toknow.
I simply explained to them that I had some things, musically, that I was working on with DJ Summer; things that it was still too early to talk about. It was true enough. She and I had been working together, casually, ever since my solo album, making music whenever the mood struck. Nothing formal, but I’d been planning to write some new material with her again,soon.
What I didn’t say was that I’d been thinking, seriously, about inviting another musician to work withme.
I knew I was lying to them—all of them—by omission, by not breathing a word about my brewing feelings for Seth. About the connection I’d felt with him in Hawaii—and in my bed. About the music I was thinking about making with him now. Insecret.
And I felt bad aboutit.
More so, when both Brody and Maggie looked at me like they clearly didn’t like what I was doing. Distancing myself from everyone. Keeping something from them that they couldn’t quite put their fingeron.
Well, toobad.
Just because Dirty wouldn’t work with Seth, that didn’t mean that Icouldn’t.
* * *
“Ican’t promise you anything,”I told Seth, as we stood in my home studio together the next day. “I was just thinking about it… and I think we should keep playing together. We could write, if it feels right. Create something new. I don’t know… maybe we could even cut analbum.”
He’d been perusing my collection of bass guitars, lined up on a row of stands against one wall, but looked up at me on the wordalbum.
“But first…” I shrugged. “We could just play. See where it goes. I could play you some things I’ve been working on. Maybe you have some material you could play for me,too…?”
He took a step toward me like he had to peer deep into my eyes to be sure I meant it. “You’reserious?”
“Yes. I’m serious.” But I tried to make a joke. “I mean, I summoned you again, didn’tI?”
Seth didn’t smile at all. “You’re serious… about making an albumtogether?”
I shrugged again and walked over to the wall of floor-to-ceiling windows, looking out over the water. “Maybe,” I said. “I could. We could.” I turned back to face him. He was staring at me, hard. “My solo album did well enough… I can kinda do whatever I want. If I called the record company tomorrow to tell them I had a new album for them, they’d behappy.”
“I’m sure they would be,” he said carefully. “But how happy do you think the rest of your band would be? How happy would Brody be if you cut an album withme?”
I crossed my arms over my chest and tried not to think about that. “Would you believe me if I said I don’tcare?”
“No,” he said. “Iwouldn’t.”
“Yeah. So maybe I do care.” I sighed. “But that doesn’t mean it’s gonna stop me. And it shouldn’t stop youeither.”
