But the truth was, I went down south to breathe. To get away from the lawyers and the media and the bullshit. Find my head, get my shit together—and stayclean.
It wasn’teasy.
Along the way, I stopped eating, stopped sleeping. I lost twenty poundsovernight.
I also lost some serious respect for myself when I didn’t go right back and face down Brody’saccusations.
No matter how hard it was, though, I didn’t break. If anything was gonna break me, losing Dirty—again—would’ve doneit.
Or seeing that look in Jessa’s eyes when she met me in that cafe, after the band asked me back—and she asked me why I didn’t justleave.
Didn’t you already ruinenough?
Or Brody, putting his fist in myface.
Or Jude, telling me that I was dismissed.Again.
But I didn’t break. I didn’t once feel the itch—that overwhelming desire to get fuckedup.
I didn’t think I ever really would again, but I couldn’t be sure of that. It would be stupid to believe that. Which was why I still did the meetings, still worked every day at living clean and what that meant to me andwhyI was living clean. Still spoke with my sponsor at least once aweek.
But I just told her, “It was a rough sevenmonths.”
Elle absorbed that, her eyes moving over my bare chest again, just like they had yesterday. “You do look healthy, though,” she concluded. Then her eyes met mineagain.
Anddamn… she was gorgeous up close. Like all the rest of her, her face was strong but delicate, with high, Scandinavian-looking cheekbones, though I knew her ancestry was mainly French. Her straight nose with the pretty little tip… her carved lips… all the clean, curving lines of her. And her eyes… cool and gray with little streaks of blue andsilver.
I didn’t respond. I had no idea what to say. I felt tongue-tied, looking into that face. Seeing the wisdom there, and the control. This was a woman who had her shit together, clearly. I knew it, because when she looked at me, this close, it made me question everything I thought I’d ever figured out aboutmyself.
“I am lonely,” she said suddenly. So suddenly it caught me bysurprise.
I didn’t respond, and she looked out over thewater.
“I mean… I have a lot of people in my life,” she said. “A lot of friends. Family. But there’s a deeper connection that’s, I don’t know… missing. Some days I ask myself what it is that could possibly be missing from all of this…” She gestured out, over the ocean, gleaming in the morning sun. “And I don’t even know. But itismissing… and it’s not just being in love. I was in love with Jesse, and I still felt alone.” Her eyes met mine, and I felt the full force of them, locked on me. “And it’s not just feeling wanted. I’ve been wanted by men and still felt lonely. It’s a weird thing, being surrounded by people, being wanted by so many, admired, and still feeling alone. But… I amlonely.”
I nodded, like I understood that feeling, and I did, in a way. I’d had a taste of fame. But I was no ElleDelacroix.
“I get that,” I told her. “Feeling lonely. But sometimes we feel alone when we’re not. I’m sure you’ve got more love than you could ever know.” Because that’s what she was saying, right? That’s what she wasmissing?
Love.
“What about you?” she asked. “You’ve probably still got fans. Legions of them,really.”
“I’m not talking about fans,” I told her. “I’m talking about people who love who you really are, not who they think you are.Reallove.”
She cocked her head a little. “What happened with your friend with benefits?” she asked, her eyes holding mine, like she was peering into me again, searching for truth. “Melissa?”
“Michelle,” I said, though it felt awkward, suddenly, talking about another woman when I was this close to Elle. When I could smell her and see those little flecks in her eyes. When my cock was still half-hard. “I guess… the benefits just kinda faded over time. Friendship felt like a better option, so we went withit.”
“That’s good. That you’re stillfriends.”
I shrugged. “Sometimes it works, afterward. Sometimes itdoesn’t.”
“Yeah,” she said softly, and something flickered over her features. Regret,maybe?
Pain?
“How about Ash?” I asked her. “You two stillfriends?”
