We’d never said so, never talked about it like that, but there was definitely a hole left behind by Seth that none of us had truly attempted to fill until thisyear.
“What about Jude?” I asked. “Did you talk to him? Over theyears?”
“Sometimes,” he said. And I got the feeling that was all I was gonna get. Seth wasn’t the kind of person who’d want Jude catching shit for talking to him, and I knew that. So I let it lie. Even though I was incrediblycurious.
If Jesse wasn’t even talking to Seth, why wasJude?
“And how was the reunion in Vancouver, for you?” I asked him instead. “Was it everything you hoped it wouldbe?”
“Sure,” he said. “In a way. But it was pretty bittersweet. I got to work with all these amazing people again. Not just the band, but some of the crew I knew from the old days. And Brody. Got to meet Maggie. Met Jesse’s wife.” He paused there, like he was waiting for me to say something about that, but I didn’t. “But I only got to play the one song. And I’m not gonna lie, that was hard forme.”
“Yeah. I guess it would be…” It hadn’t really occurred to me, until he’d said it, how hard that wouldbe.
Standing in that bar, watching the show. Watching Ash play his songs, standing in hisplace.
“It stung. But I just tried to be graceful about it. Be grateful for the moment. Being invited up on that stage at all… Having your trust again, even in some smallway.”
“It wasn’t small,” I told him. “We don’t invite just anyone onstage with us,Seth.”
“Yeah. That’s what I kept telling myself. And it did give me some closure, in a way. Just like I’d told myself it would. I told myself I could move on now. Let the past go. Leave all my bitterness and that haunting feeling, that things were still left undone, behind. Stop fantasizing about playing with Dirty again. I could play with other bands and really commit myself to it the way I never had, because I’d been holding out for Dirty. I was finally free to moveon.”
He looked away. Far away; out over the dark of theocean.
“And then you did ask me back,” he went on, his voice low and thick with emotion. “And it turned my world upside-down. Everything changed overnight. I thought I had it all back.” He looked over at me. “Then it got ripped out from under me again. I got dismissed, all overagain.”
I cringed; I couldn’t help it. It was so awful. The entire thing. Losing him again. And Brody’sallegations…
“You must’ve been pissed,” I saidquietly.
“Yeah, I fucking was. But mostly at myself. I still loved you guys.” His voice broke a bit when he said, “I always lovedyou.”
I did not know what to say to that.We loved you, tooseemed pathetic, given what we’d done tohim.
What we’d taken away fromhim.
He cleared his throat. “These last six months, I played with some other guys,” he said. “Mostly because I had to. I had to keep playing for my own peace of mind. But it wasn’t right. It wasn’t Dirty. The whole time, I think I was really preparing myself to come back, somehow. I thought I was done, but I wasn’t fucking done. When I saw the call for auditions, something just snapped in my head. I knew it was my time. It had to be. This was my shot. And once I got that into my head, I wasn’t letting it go for anything. Jessa was wrong about me. Brody was wrong. The whole band was wrong. You were all wrong about me, and I was gonna prove it. To you guys. To the world.” He shook his head, sighing. “I really, totally believed that. I believed it when I convinced Jude and Liv and Maggie to give me that shot. I believed it when I stepped out onstage, and when Iplayed…”
“I know you did,” I said. “I could hearit.”
His eyes held mine, just like they did when he’d stood up on thatstage.
“But then I saw the looks on your faces,” he said. “When you saw it was me. Jesse. Brody. They didn’twantit to be me. They were so fucking disappointed that it was me. And it broke my heart all overagain.”
“Seth. I’m so sorry aboutthat…”
“That was the moment I was done. I think the first time I got kicked out of the band, I was too messed up to fully process the loss. And the second time, I was overwhelmed, kinda blindsided by the whole thing. But I wasn’tdone. When Brody told security to kick me out on my ass after I played my heart out for you at that audition… and I saw you looking at me, so shocked and confused and, I don’t know… betrayed… I wasdone.”
The finality in his words sank into me, filling me with a heavy, dreadful sadness. Just like at the auditions, I did not like seeing him give up thefight.
But I also didn’t like seeing him fight… and lose thebattle.
I hated the way things had gone down at that audition, the way he’d been treated. But I couldn’t force the other guys to change their minds abouthim.
“What will you do now?” I asked him gently. I didn’t want him to think I pitied him. I didn’t. I respected him, immensely. “Where will you go afterthis?”
He shook his head and gave up another heavy sigh. “I don’t know. Maybe go up to Vancouver, visit Ray. Lay low for a while. He was pretty happy when I told him I was coming up for the auditions. Pretty disappointed when I changed my mind and auditioned in L.A.instead.”
“I didn’t know you didthat.”
