“But it’s a lot to get your head around,”shesaid.
I sighed. “I’m not a rock star, Maggie. Musicians like Zane and my brother… Dylan and Elle… they’re not just rock stars. They’rerock stars. I’m just kind of a geek, you know? I like words and sitting in a quiet space and daydreaming, writing things down on paper with pretty-colored pens. I know I work as a model, but I’m really an introvert. I get my juice here, in a small group, or on my own, with room to think. The guys in the band, they think on the fly. They’re reactive andcombustible—”
“And you’re more of a slow burn,” Maggie said withagrin.
I sighed again and smiled; Maggie knew me pretty well. “They feed off that crazy energy onstage. I’ve never been like them that way. Never really wanted to be,” I confessed. It sounded like a betrayal or something, in the dark of the church… the band’s sacred space. “Does that soundcrazy?”
“Fuck, no,” Maggie said. “You think I wanna be a star? My dad was a rock star. Well, still kind of is, if you ask him. And I’ve worked six years with these crazies, and I know it’s not all glitter and fairytales. Don’t get me wrong. They live a charmed life, and they live it to the hilt. But it’s not foreveryone.”
She held up the wine bottle, and when I nodded, she reached over and topped upmymug.
“Do you know what’s going on with Seth?” I asked her casually. If anyone had the scoop, it would be Maggie. “Like… what’s your opinion on him coming back into the picture? You know he met with Brody.” It wasn’t a question; Brody would never keep something like that fromMaggie.
She sipped her wine and gave it some thought. “Hard to say. Brody hired me on after Seth was already gone. But Zane was still drinking, you know? The band was probably at the height of all the craziness that surrounded the first album, and yet they were still really coming together in a way, after you left, and then Seth… It felt like this epic seismic shift was going on and I kind of landed in the middle of it. Growing pains? But I really couldn’t say how Seth leaving changed them. I only know whatIhear.”
“What doyouhear?”
She shrugged. “Everyone seems cautiously optimistic about him… resurfacing. I think they’re uneasy, though, about trusting him again in any way. It’s almost like he’s an old lover who broke all their hearts. They’d like to give him another chance, but once bitten, twice shy, right?” Her pretty lips curled into a slight smile. “There’s a thrill in the air, though. You can feel it. That potential, like embers smoldering. The fire on that relationship never really went out, Iguess.”
“Right.” I sipped my wine uneasily and kind of regretted asking. It wasn’t exactly what I wanted to hear. But it didn’t really mean anything; it didn’t mean they were going to decide to trust Seth again. Not when there were so many talented guitarists out there whohadn’tbroken theirhearts.
Though I understood what Maggie meant. There’d always been fire between Seth and the rest of the band. Meincluded.
It’s hard to put out that kind of fire once itcatches.
“Though it is pretty fucking clear they miss you like hell,” sheadded.
I smiled at her, softening at her words. Maybe it was the wine, or Maggie, or the church and the candlelight… sitting here, surrounded by the band’s stuff, like I really was part of it again… but it felt really fucking good. “Thanks for that,Maggie.”
“Don’t thank me. They love you. Wealldo.”
And then it came; the discomfort. Geez. Was I ever going to stop feeling guilty abouthearingthat?
“Look,” I told her, “I feel like I owe you an apology. Or at least, an explanation. For why I’ve been…avoidingyou.”
She cocked an eyebrow at me. “I didn’t know youhadbeen.”
“Yeah. Well…” I picked at the rip in the knee of my jeans. “I haven’t exactly been making myself available. But I want you to know that the reason I’ve stayed more in touch with Roni than with you over the years, for example, is because… well, my relationship with Roni is just… kinda frivolous. She doesn’t expect much from me or hold me to a higher standard. Whereas you’d never let me get away with the shit I trytopull.”
Maggie just brushed that off. “I just figured you’re going through some shit. That’s your business. I’m here for you, whatever happens,youknow?”
“I know.” I gazed at my old friend, feeling worse for her understanding. It was intense, how much I’d missed her; just talking to her, like we used to talk. Back in college… before I left. “Everything’s falling apart, Maggie,” I confessed, my voice small in the dark of thechurch.
“Whatis?”
“Me and Brody.” I whispered it into the shadows, like the walls had ears, though there was no one to hear it but me andMaggie.
“Oh?”
“Before you came on the scene, you know, years ago… we had a thing. Kind of. It’s… complicated. I mean, I had a thing,forhim.”
Her eyebrows wentup. “And?”
“And… I guess he’s always wanted me, too. You know…fromafar.”
“Uh-huh,” she said, taking thatin. “Afar.”
“Yeah.”
