I told him about the first time I slept with Seth so he’d keep giving mepills.
“Please understand. At that point, I would’ve done pretty much anything if I thought it would make me feel good. I just wanted to feel better. But having sex with Seth didn’t make me feel better. In the end, it made me feel worse. I saw what it was doing to him… and I was so hurt over what was happening—or, what wasn’t happening—with you, and whenever I felt worse… I wanted togethigh.”
I told him, and I didn’t cry. I’d shed more than enough tears over all of it over the years, and I wasn’t going to cry about it now. The time for crying, and lying, and running from the truthwasdone.
So I kepttalking.
I told him about the next time I had sex with Seth when we got high, and the time after that. I told him how Seth told me he loved me. I told him how I lovedhim, Brody, but he was with Christy, and I was so sure I’d fucked everything up, and I wasn’t strong enough to give up the drugs, or ask anyone for help, and how all my secrets and lies and pain twisted me up inside until I couldn’t standmyself.
I told him, for the first time, why I ran away that last night I saw him, during that break inthetour.
“I saw Seth that night, too. He cornered me and he was all fucked up. I knew he was doing a lot of coke then; I didn’t even know what else, but I knew he was in bad shape. He said he wanted to be with me. He wanted me. He wanted… what we had before. I told him I couldn’t do it anymore. When he pressed me on it… I told him. I told him I was in love with you.” I could barely look at Brody as I said it. The shame of it was crushing, the regret, that I’d never told him how much I loved him. I’d only told Seth. “I told him I loved you and he called me a whore. And Ifeltlike a whore, Brody. I’d let him fuck me for drugs when I was sixteen. It went on, off and on, for almost two years. I never told anyone what was happening. I just let it happen. I didn’t care. I didn’t care about myself anymore. I just wanted the pain to stop. The thing was, I just gotmorepain.”
I looked at Brody, feeling shaky. Through it all he’d sat next to me, his thigh pressed to mine, holding my hand, barely breathing. When I saw his face now, his blue eyes dark and storming, I could see the force of his anger, barely restrained. I could see it rising in him, like a tidal wave about to crash and smash everything in its path. And for once I saw it for what it was. It was not anger aimedatme.
“He was struggling,” I said softly. “He said he was in love withme,and—”
“He raped you,” he said quietly; deadlyquiet.
“No. It wasn’tlikethat—”
Brody stood abruptly. “You’re telling me you had sex with Seth so he’d give you drugs. For two fucking years. Behind all ourbacks.”
I stood to face him. “He didn’t force me. Iwanted—”
“Like hell he didn’t. He took advantageofyou.”
Then he turned away, like he couldn’t even look at meanymore.
I got up close behind him, wanting to wrap my arms around him, but Ididn’t.
What if he pushedmeaway?
I didn’t know what else to say to him. I didn’t want to make it worse. I just wanted him tounderstand.
“I didn’t run away from you, Brody. I didn’t run away from Seth, either. I was running from what I’d done to myself. I wasn’t that girl. That twisted girl who’d made so many mistakes, who felt dirty all the time and so completely lost. I wasn’t your princess either. Do you understand? I just needed tofindme.”
He turned back to me, his eyes shining with tears. “And did you find that? Did you find what you were looking for whenyouleft?”
“No.” I shook my head, hugging myself. “I got clean. Things got worse before they got better, but I got clean. It took a few years to totally stop with the pills, to stop thinking I needed uppers or painkillers to deal with my life. But it was what I had to do. I’ll never regret that part.” I sighed. “I was terrified of going on tour with the band, Brody. I’m not going to say there weren’t temptations everywhere I went. There was plenty of partying in the life I chose; but going on tour…. I just couldn’t go on tour with Seth. I needed to distance myself from him. Not because he was awful to me. Because he was tied up in my drug use, and I knew it would be one party after another. I don’t know where I would’ve ended up if I kept on like I was. It wasn’t even the drugs… I wasn’t using every day or anything; I can’t even say for sure if I was an addict. I can still drink or smoke a joint without going over to the dark place. But the pills were different. Maybe it was the timing of it all, or my age, but I was losing myself. And I was so fucking depressed. It would’ve been the depression that killed me, just like it killed my dad. And the pills… they fueled that.” I moved a little closer to him, looking up into his face. “But no, I didn’t find what I was looking for until now. When I came backtoyou.”
Brody looked down at me for a moment, his eyes gleaming. Then he drew me into his arms… and the relief I felt at his acceptance was so intense, so overwhelming, I did starttocry.
“Jessa. Don’t cry.” He kissed the tears from my face. “You never did anything wrong. Please tell me you know thatbynow.”
I shook my head. How could he say that to me after everything I’d justconfessed?
“I did everything wrong,Brody.”
“No. We did wrong. We didn’t protect you.” He held me tighter. “I didn’t protect you. I thought I was doing the right thing, giving you space. You were young, and…” He trailed off, shaking his head. “Fuck me. How could I not’ve seen what was going on? Allthattime?”
“Don’t do that,” I told him. “Don’t blame yourself for my mistakes, Brody. I lied to you. I hid what I was doing from you and from everyone else. You guys had a lot on your plates and you were away a lot. It really wasn’t that hard to keep it a secret; I had excuses for everything back then.” I shook my head at the memories. “But no more excuses, and no more lies. I just want it to be over. And I don’t want to blame myself anymore. I’m working on forgiving myself. But with you, there’s nothing to forgive. You tried to love me and I ran away. That wasn’t yourfault.”
I sighed and dropped my head against his chest, emotionally exhausted. I clung to his solid comfort, to the fact that he wasn’t walking away. That he was holding me, despite everything I’djustsaid.
“I just need it to be done,” I told him. “Once and for all. I need it to die, where it belongs. Inthepast.”
ChapterTwenty-Nine
