Yet I’d never forgiven myself. Because if I did that… it would be like giving myself permission to breathe. To just be. To beme, not just the model who looked flawless in pictures but was a royal messinside.
But Iwasamess.
Still.
As much as I’d been able to forgive him, I’d always felt dirty and conflicted over what happened between me and Seth. I’d cared about him, and if I’d been a better person, I thought, a stronger person, I would’ve been able to help him. Things wouldn’t have spiraled out of control. He wouldn’t have gotten so deep into drugs and he wouldn’t have been kicked out oftheband.
As Brody’s words went around in my head, I realized how completely and mercilessly I’d blamed myself for Seth’s life falling apart, for the brutality of his addiction, foreverything.
Why?
I asked myself that question as I cleaned up the glass Brody had broken against the wall. And the answer came to me, soclear.
Because it was easier for me to believe that everything was all my fault, that I had screwed everything up, than to accept that Seth had done bad things, made bad choices, that were beyond mycontrol.
Just like mydaddid.
The hard truth was that I’d wanted to help Seth. I’d wanted to save him and I’d failed, epically—and this struck right to the heart of my pain over what happened with my dad. I couldn’t save my dad, either. How could I? I was five years old when he killedhimself.
But I had never gottenoverit.
I was still paying for his mistakes. And now Brody was paying forthem,too.
He was right about another thing: I was the one still holding the past between us, like a weapon. So maybe it was time I laid myweaponsdown.
Forgood.
Except I couldn’t really do that unless I faced the mess I’d made and, once and for all, cleaned it thefuckup.
But I still hadn’t done it. I still hadn’t talked to Brody. I’d kept putting it off, with one excuse or another. I’d been scared to face it head-on; to talk to him, and risk losing him. And now here I was, tiptoeing around him, terrified that everything between us would inevitably fall apart when he found out. I saw it coming. And I did feel powerless, like it was out of my control, when that wasn’teventrue.
I’d asked Brody to fight for me. And I loved him. No; morethanthat.
Brody Mason was the love ofmylife.
So when was I going to fightforhim?
Now. Rightfuckingnow.
I found his phone, and I used it to text Seth while he was still in theshower.
Brody:Need to talk. Meet forcoffee?
By the time I’d finished getting dressed, Seth hadreplied.
Seth:Yup-when &where?
I texted him where to meet, my fingers shaking just a little, then deleted thethread.
I left Brody a note to let him know I’d be back in a while, that I was going to pick up groceries. I told him I’d make us dinner tonight. I realized how it might seem when he got out of the shower to find me gone, so I drew some girlie little hearts on the note so he’d know I wasn’trunningaway.
Then I took his truck and headed downtown before I lost mynerve.
* * *
Seth was already therewhen I walked in. I saw him right away, and it struck me how odd it was to see him sitting there, in the middle of a busy cafe, by himself, with no one bothering himatall.
If any current member of Dirty tried to pull that, they’d bemobbed.
