“Modeling, Jessa. What the fuck are you doing modeling, when you have all thistalent—”
“Are you kidding me? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get to where I have? You think I don’t work my ass off? That it’s not of any worthatall?”
Shit. This was going way the fuck in the wrongdirection.
I took a breath. “I know you’ve beensuccessful—”
“Yeah, I have. And I’ve done it without you. Without the band.Justme.”
“I know that. You’ve done well for yourself. I’m not saying youhaven’t.”
“Then why do you keep attacking it, like what I’ve done is such amistake?”
“Because it is a mistake when you’re throwing everything else away in pursuit of it and you’re running away from your life, from the people who love you. You know what that’s usually called? It’s called an addiction, Jessa. And it’s not fuckinghealthy.”
“Really. You think I’m addicted to modeling, you really don’tknowme.”
“No,” I said. “I think you’re addicted to the high you get from the validation of it. The distraction of not having to deal with your life, your regrets, and yourfeelings.”
“You’re so wrong,” she said, hugging herself, but I knew that wasbullshit.
“What happened to your big dreams?” I pressed. “Your notebooks all crammed with your ideas? You used to have something tosay. You had so fucking much to say, you were overflowing with words. And now I have to pry them out of you with acrowbar.”
“What do you want from me? You want me to stand here and talk about my feelings? Like what? How shitty I feel because I ran away? Is that what you want to hearmesay?”
No. I didn’t want to hear that. I wasn’t trying to punish her. All I really wanted was for her to let it all go. Whatever was keeping her from being here,withme.
“I remember sitting with you, talking for hours,” I told her. “Writing songs with the band, and going on tour, that’s all you ever talked about. I couldn’t shut you up about it if Itried.”
“I was a kid. What the fuck didIknow?”
“You knew what youwanted.”
“I’m not going onstage, Brody. I don’t want to be onstage and I don’t want to performanymore.”
“Then you don’thaveto.”
“Did you know my agent calls meevery dayasking when I’m coming back, telling me about all the jobs I’m missing out on? I could go. I could gorightnow.”
“Then why don’t you? If that’s what you want? If that’s where youbelong?”
“Because I don’t want to do it anymore!” she cried. Then she closed the distance between us, getting so close I could see all the colors in her eyes as she looked up at me. “Do you have any idea how wrong that feels? I’ve worked so hard, sacrificed so much, to just walk away… Don’t you get that? Ihadto succeed at it because I chose it and everything I ever did from that point on was wrong. If I didn’t make it work, then the whole thing would just crumble like a house of cards or a bunch of dominoes or some other stupid metaphor I can’t even think of right now!” She swiped her hands through her hair, frustrated. “But I’m so tired of it, Brody. I’m tired of working so hard to be what other people want me to be.” She took a shaky breath. “That shoot last week was beautiful. We shot at the Crystal, you know, the hotel? In the ballroom and on that big, sweeping staircase in the lobby, and I got to wear the most epically gorgeousdresses—”
“Iknow.”
She frowned. “Youknow?”
“I saw you.” Kinda felt like an idiot telling her this way, but since it came up… “I was downtown anyway, for a meeting, and Jude texted. He’d seen you. And I might’ve… swung by to look.” I shrugged, feeling weird about it. “I couldn’tresist.”
She was still frowning. “Why didn’t yousayhi?”
“You were working. I didn’t want to bother you.” That was true, but now it sounded lame. “Shit. Do I sound like astalker?”
“Kind of.” She sounded a little amused, but she didn’tsmile.
“Well, you looked like a princess. For real.” That was true, too. More than true. She was wearing a wedding gown with a long train when I saw her on that staircase, with all the lights and a big team of people flocking around her. I’d never had a fantasy of watching a woman walk up the aisle toward me until that moment. She looked like a goddess, but Jessa always looked that waytome.
“Yeah,” she said, but she didn’t look happy about it. “They treated me like one, and I didn’t even want to be there.” She shook her head. “I felt so fucking ungrateful, thinking about all the girls who’d love to be in my place, and I didn’t even want it. When I’m modeling, I’m not me, Brody. And that used to feel good to me. Safe. It doesn’t feel good anymore. I just… I want to write. I want to write songs and jam with the band and then I want to hang out in the recording studio and help them tweak the songs and fight over them and laugh like crazy, just like I did on the first album, you know? I want to behappy. I want to go watch them play live. I want to watch Zane sing my songs and I want to get excited and scream and dance until my throat is sore and my ears are ringing. That’s all I want. I want to feel like I’m where I belong. I just want to be a part of it again, but I want it to bemypart. Not rhythm guitar. Not backup singer. Not what you or anyone else envisions for me. I just want to write songs. That’s all I’ve ever, everwanted.”
