That’s why he had no problem spitting what he considered game to Najee, just as he had done so many times before to other cellmates.
“Guess you gotta let her go,” Chuck finished. “We be behind these bars and the only thing we can rely on are people’s actions. Words don’t mean shit up in here.”
Words didn’t mean much to Najee outside of here either. A person could talk all day about what they would do, but if there was no motion behind what they were talking about, Najee preferred for them to stay quiet.
Renae, his girlfriend of five years, had made her silence known. She’d been moving weirdly for a few weeks now, and Najee couldn’t place his finger on what the hell was up. He understood getting locked up was emotionally and mentally taxing, but he also let her know that if staying with him was too much of a burden, she could move on. He wasn’t in the business of keeping someone somewhere they didn’t want to be. It didn’t matter that they were in a relationship, Najee didn’t want her to feel like just because he was locked up, that she was too.
“Yeah, I hear you,” Najee mumbled, sitting on the lower bunk.
“Is you listening, though?” Chuck asked, standing across from him. Trust me, youngin’, I’ve been in your position. My ol’ lady done gave me chance after chance. At some point, I had to just let her be free.”
“‘Cause you couldn’t get your shit together?” Najee questioned, already knowing the answer.
Chuck nodded. “Mhmm. Damn right I couldn’t. Look at where I’m at... again. Don’t nobody wanna put up with that shit, but some women do. Their love for us men outweighs our flaws. That doesn’t mean they won’t or don’t hold some resentment.”
That’s what Najee didn’t want to happen. Renae could tell him all day that everything was fine, but he felt otherwise. He had too much time on his hands to think, and her reassurance wasn’t hitting like it used to. Najee was a problem solver, so thefact that he couldn’t fix this, and from where he was at, bothered him.
“I ain’t trying to have that,” Najee said.
“Well, you better figure some shit out. You get out real soon.”
It was a weekly reminder. Had his probation officer been more understanding and not reported his violation, Najee would’ve been a free man. The politics of it all is what pissed him off, but he was doing his time like a G. There wasn’t shit else he could do.
Picking up the piece of paper with numbers scribbled across it, Najee contemplated his next move. His fingers brushed across the smeared ink, wondering what made her want him to reach out now after he’d already done it twice. He wasn’t the handwriting letters type of man, but he figured Orielle would’ve appreciated it since she was a songwriter and all.
“Damn girl didn’t even write back,” he mumbled and smirked.
Her pretty smile popped into his head, and then her voice did. She entered Najee’s dreams plenty of nights. Singing her heart out, belting words that only he could identify. It was torturous and somewhat relieving. Najee didn’t blame her, but her tear-stained cheeks and pained voice turned those sweet dreams into nightmares.
“Whoever that is got you in a chokehold,” Chuck observed. “If you don’t call them, I will.” He reached for the paper.
Najee chuckled. “Watch out,” he said, swatting his hand away.
“You been lookin’ at that phone number for the last few days like they gon’ hop off of it and talk to you.”
Najee lowkey wished Orielle could. He could take a hint. If he' hit her line and got ignored again, she wouldn’t have to worry about him at all.
“You remember ol’ girl I told you about?” Najee asked.
Chuck nodded. “The reason why you in here?”
Najee’s jaw ticked.
“Don’t do that,” he muttered.
“Don’t do what? Tell the truth?”
It wasn’t Najee’s truth, but Chuck believed it to be.
“It wasn’t her fault,” Najee defended.
“Maybe, maybe not. But you still took up for a woman who only wrote you back once. Shit, you better than me.”
Najee wanted to tell his old ass that he was better than him, but was he really? They were sharing the same cold ass cell, had on the same clothes, and slept on the same flat ass mattress. Najee’s morals were different from a lot of men. He learned that at a young age.
It wasn’t just about what he did, but why he did it. She didn’t ask him to step in that night. She didn’t beg him to put himself on the line, but she didn’t have to.
He saw her face and that look in her eyes.
