Rand hadn’t been gone that long.
I shouldn’t have been ready to move on, but that didn’t change how I felt.
I wanted to move on, and I wasn’t sure what to do with that.
8
KYLE
I woke up extra early, excited for the day.
I wasn’t excited because we were getting one of our final inspections or because I was finishing up the last of the painting…or even because we were expecting a shipment of some pretty cool coffee mugs I thought would fly off the shelves.
I was excited because I couldn’t wait to see Ethan.
That was annoying as hell. As annoying as me thinking that everything to do with the coffee shop was forus. There was nous. There was onlyhim, and I was just along for the ride to help him through this tough time. But tell that to my subconscious who conveniently forgot that minor detail at every turn.
I closed my eyes and tried to quiet my mind enough to go back to sleep. If I got out of bed too early, I’d be ready to leave well before I could make my deliveries and would end up pacing for hours. Or worse than that, I’d head to the coffee shop first and risk disturbing him before he was ready to start the day.
Ethan wasn’t like me, waking before the sun out of habit. He was smarter and enjoyed sleeping in.
He was smarter and stronger than me in a lot of ways, though I doubt he saw that. He’d been through some really dark times and managed to pull himself out. That was a feat all by itself.
Really, he amazed me. I was nearly forty, and there had been times in my life that were rougher than others, but looking back, I didn’t see them with the same clarity that Ethan saw his. He was something special.
Someone I wanted to spend more time with. More…everything with.
That was selfish as fuck. Ethan needed a friend, not someone who wanted more than what he was ready to give. I needed to extinguish those feelings before I ended up hurting him.
Annoyed at the direction of my thoughts, I sat up in bed and groaned. When did I turn into the equivalent of a teenager with a first crush? The kind of crush that made your whole morning from just seeing them across the room. The teasing smiles that ended up being the highlight of your week. Ethan and I had been working side by side for a couple weeks now, and just a “thank you” or “I made you a cup of coffee” was enough to have me practically floating.
“Argg!” I threw the covers off me and went straight to the kitchen to start the coffee. There was no point staying in bed if all I was gonna do was think about Ethan in ways I knew I shouldn’t.
I padded into the bathroom for my shower and the very familiar routine I never veered from. Even though it was starting to feel less familiar now that I felt like it was missing something. That something being Ethan.
For years, I’d been making the same pot of coffee every morning. But recently, I started to notice that after I filled my mug, there was just enough left in the pot for a second cup. A second person. It would be perfect if Ethan was there. One for me, one for him. I even knew how he took his coffee and would have it ready for him with half a spoon of sugar and one ice cube. I smiled as I thought about when he made me swear not to tell anybody who came into the coffee shop to order their fancy coffees about his little secret.
Of course, I promised him I wouldn’t tell a soul.
I knew a lot about him now. The little things and the big things. I knew which of the pastries he couldn’t turn down, and that he often missed breakfast on Wednesday because it was garbage day, and he was too busy running around to make sure the cans were where they needed to be to remember to take care of himself.
It was easy to see why he thrived with a Daddy. Making time for breakfast and remembering to get the mail or brush his teeth wasn’t always top-of-mind for Ethan. And it wasn’t that he was irresponsible. He wasn’t. He took care of those inspections and permits like a boss, and there was a woman at town hall who knew him by name because of all the questions he had to make sure he got everything perfect.
But when it came to taking care of himself, it was always an afterthought.
As I drank my coffee, I pumped and wondered what it might be like to switch up my routine. What if I didn’t have to pump anymore. What if I could sit in bed with my morning joe as Ethan drank from me. “And that’s why I can’t sit still for asecond,” I mumbled as I tried not to let my mind wander where it shouldn’t.
When waiting at home with my pesky brain fantasizing about the Little who had been worming his way into my heart was too much, I opted to start my deliveries early and go the long way to the shop. Last week, I discovered a new bakery on my route, and it quickly became a favorite of ours. They had the best breakfast croissant sandwiches.
I got one for him and one for me, along with a sweet treat I knew Ethan would love.
As usual, music greeted me as I reached the front door to the coffee shop, and the front door was already unlocked for me. But Ethan wasn’t there. “Hello?”
“I’m out back, Kyle!” Just hearing his voice was enough to make me smile.
This wasn’t normal for me, at least not with anyone but him. When I’d dated guys in the past, it was usually after I’d spent time with them and eventually said, “Why not?” There was never any of this ridiculous crushing happening.
Not that I was dating Ethan yet, but I wanted to. There was no denying that anymore. If it hadn’t been for Rand and the raw wounds that Ethan still carried, I’d have been actively pursuing him.
