The beta peeked down and let out a heavy sigh. “Good thing I keep a spare in the car.”
*
In preparation for a lot of crying, Erica didn’t wear any makeup. That made it easy to drag herself out of bed before the crack of dawn, slip into her car, and drive out of Tolstone. The hour and a half drive to Decatur shouldn’t have been this damn hard. The further she drove, the stronger the pull was to turn back.
All night, she replayed that kiss over and over in her head. Why did he leave? How could she go from ecstatically happy toutterly devastated in less than two minutes? Why had she left herself so wide open so he could blast through with his sweet words and tender touch? What had she been thinking, letting him come over and do that to her?
Erica gathered up the dust from the demolished walls and tried to box up her beaten heart again. She told herself that it was her own fault for letting him come over when she knew very well that she was too vulnerable. She shouldn’t have let the conversation get so personal. She shouldn’t have touched him when he tried to walk away. And she certainly shouldn’t have kissed him back when he charged forward, projecting such subtle power that she couldn’t help but bend to his will.
Erica fell too hard, too fast, and now—with her walls slowly coming back up—she realized one distressing thing. That cord, that tether, that seemed to form out of absolutely nowhere, that thing that screamed at her to go back to Tolstone, could not be undone. She hated it. But what the hell was it? She had never felt anything like it, not with any of the men she’d kissed or dated in the past. Why would kissing Dominic create something so strange and new in her? Whatever it was, she despised it and how it lied to her that she couldn’t take another breath without Dominic nearby. Needing anyone that badly was just too dangerous.
Almost mechanically, she pulled into the cemetery parking lot. The sun was up now, and she could hear the low rumble of a lawnmower toward the very back of the property. The earthy scent of freshly cut grass drifted on the strong wind that blew from the south, another sign that summer was coming soon.
She was the only visitor that morning, which she preferred. Erica didn’t want to make a show of herself sobbing over her mother’s grave while others paid their own respects near another plot. Her shoes crunched on the gravel pathways that cut lanes between the cemetery sections. Each one was namedsomething cute and comforting. Hope Alley. Heaven Drive. Redemption Street.
When she came to Love Lane, she turned and counted the blocks, looking for her mother’s final resting place. Erica turned off to pass through the rows, treading upon the crisp, manicured grass that was kept lush and green all year round. Her eyes skimmed over the polished granite, searching for the right name.
Once she found it, the lump in Erica’s throat thickened. Her pace slowed until she was by the grave. She sat and read the carved inscription.
Felicia Barrett. Beloved daughter and mother.
Erica sat cross-legged next to the headstone as the wind teased thin wisps of hair that had come undone from her braid. For a few long moments, she said nothing, too full of feelings and emotions to even know where to begin. She played with the hem of her long sleeves as she recalled her mother’s smiling face. She always went to her mom with every piece of news, good and bad. After Dominic nearly shattered her soul the night before, she knew she needed to talk to someone. If her mom were alive, it would have been her.
“Hey, Mom… Guess what? I finally bought that house in Tolstone we loved so much. You told me to go after my dream, and I did. It’s a great town. You would have loved it. The people are so nice. I haven’t met them all, but they’ve been great so far. You would love Gwen. She and her husband run a diner, and they’re such a sweet couple. I think you two would have gotten along… It needs a lot of work, but it’s nothing I can’t handle. You taught me so much.”
Erica smiled, getting braver. “It’s only been a week, but I met a guy too. He’s… He’s something. I remember all the times we eyed cute guys at the grocery store, and I know you would have been checking out this one. He owns the antique shop intown and he’s…” She paused, trying to think of the right words as if it really mattered. “He’s generous to a fault. He helps out everyone in town with their problems, but he doesn’t have time for himself. It’s kind of sad. I’m not above helping someone in need, but he just doesn’t seem to know how to say no.”
She looked down at her lap and played with a loose thread still attached to her sleeve. “He came over last night, just out of nowhere, and we… we kissed, Mom. And it was so amazing. I kissed guys in school and all, but there was something magical about this one. I know that’s so corny, and you’d be giving me that smile like I’m just talking nonsense, but it really was special. I’m confused. I guess I’m scared of what I feel for him.”
Her lips parted as she remembered the way it felt to be in Dominic’s arms, so warm and safe. “You gave me the talk about boys and all, and you know I had my flings, but this… this is so different. I wish you could have met him. I wish you could give me some kind of advice, because…” She huffed out a laugh when she remembered the thing about his golden eyes and looked up to the shady branches of the live oak tree. “I feel like I’m going insane sometimes when I think about him. It’s such a mess. I don’t know how to feel. He’s so hot and seems almost too good to be true. He’s so patient with me. You know I’ve got one of those faces that tells people to fuck off if I’m not in the mood, but he saw through that. We’ve flirted, we’ve kissed… but I’m scared to let someone in again… I’m scared he’ll just leave like Dad did, and it’ll all come crashing down. I don’t want it to end, but I’m afraid to even start.”
She swallowed and turned her gaze back to her mother’s name. “We talked about the big things and the small things, laughed and cried together… But I feel like we never touched those big subjects like love. There are so many things I should have asked you. So many things we should have done. We alwaystalked about going to Europe and a cruise to the Bahamas. I wish we didn’t have to…”
Her voice trailed off as she became choked with such emotion that fell on her out of the clear blue sky above. “I wish we didn’t wait until you were gone to have everything we wanted.”
It was unfair to her mother that all of these wonderful things had to happen without her. Erica could just see her mother leaning across the kitchen table, asking question after question about Dominic, the house, the town, and everything she planned to do. She’d give tips on how to improve the landscaping and add in her own unneeded bits of advice on maintenance. They were all things Erica already knew, but her mom would tell her anyway. Erica could see her come up for a weekend visit, and they would have lunch at Lunar Lantern, then browse through Renewed Relics.
All the could-have-beens and should-have-beens mounted higher and higher until they came spilling forward in a wave of regrets that Erica couldn’t dam up anymore.
She pressed her sleeve to her lips and realized she was trembling. Tears pushed out from the corners of her eyes and blurred her vision until she couldn’t see the lettering on the gravestone anymore.
She couldn’t breathe for what seemed like an eternity, but when she took one heaving breath, the rest of her face twisted with anguish. The last time she cried this hard was at her mother’s bedside as she slipped from this world. The time before that was when Erica was told with firm but gentle conviction that her father was never coming back. How many times could a heart break in one lifetime?
Words bubbled up through her sobs, and her shoulders shivered with the effort to catch her breath.
“You never told me how to do any of this. You never told me how to go on without you. You survived after Grandma passed, but you never told me how. How can anyone get through this alone? You were supposed to always be there for me. You promised.”
Erica gripped her knees to steady herself as the hollow in her chest seemed to deepen into a bottomless pit that could never be filled. Not while her mother was gone.
For a second, she thought coming here was a bad idea. What good could have come of it except a sore throat and a broken heart that couldn’t seem to stay mended for long anymore?
It took an immeasurable amount of time before the tears subsided and the lump in her throat cleared. When she seemed to be over the worst of her sobs, Erica lifted her head and wiped her eyes.
When she was a teenager, she thought crying would never do anyone any good. Like her mother, she stayed strong and laughed off life’s troubles as they came. As an adult, she found these tears emancipating. This wasn’t the end of her grief. There would never be an end. It had been over a year, and the wounds were still fresh, and there would be plenty of moments when she’d remember her mother and cry like this again.
Maybe, with time, she could think of all the good times and not regret what they never did. Instead, she’d feel blessed for the time that they did have together, for those moments when they were driving in the old Mustang and laughed over nothing until they cried. For those moments when they played pretend together and danced in the living room to their favorite songs.
One day, Erica would heal.
