Chapter Eighteen
***Savanah***
Savanah stepped out of the place she had begun to call home just as the sun was beginning to rise over Delti Utopia 6, revealing the dusty and empty land beyond. There were a few others awake: those that were guarding the land and those that were restless like herself. Irene and her husband were still asleep, likely wrapped up in each other, as they should be.
Savanah had always believed it would be Irene who would be a mother first, if Savanah ever found love and had a child at all. She had always seen herself as too playful to be a mother, especially so young, but not only had a shift occurred in her the moment she had been taken to be used for her body, but she also felt a shift the moment the medic had told her she was with child.
Savanah tried to take stock of her feelings, hoping she could figure them out before Kyllian came to see her once more. There was no way to know when he would be able to get away undetected now that he was so deep into his father's lifestyle, but right now that was a good thing. Savanah wasn't ready to tell him and didn’t even know if she should at all.
Not only was she carrying a child that was not his and was not intentional, but she would never be able to put an exact name or face to the man who had given her this curse or gift, depending on how she looked at it. She would never imagine getting rid of this child. He or she had nothing to do with the choices of others, but Savanah also knew she couldn’t wish such a burden on any other being.
First came the embarrassment and despair at the way her and her child were sure to be branded from now on. There were cruel people out there that did not wish to hear stories and explanations before making quick judgments about others.
Then, it was the anger. The anger that this was allowed to happen in the first place, was likely still happening to dozens of others, if not more, as the problem was allowed to run rampant. She hoped that Kyllian was making progress and finding something, anything out that could help. But that still would take a backseat to the thoughts and decisions weighing heavy on her mind.
Out of the corner of her eye, Savanah spotted a familiar shape flitting around at the edge of her vision. Tika had been learning the ways of the Naga for a while now and was progressing quickly under the care of the others. From a little androgynous waif of a thing, she was becoming a kind, intelligent, and strong young woman.
Distracted, she didn’t notice as someone approached her from behind until he whipped her around and pulled her to him. Kyllian had come much too soon for her comfort. Not even a full day to think about what she had found out; her emotions were running high. It felt wrong, letting him kiss her and tell her that he missed her so. And she could feel herself mentally pulling away, a roadblock erecting involuntarily around her heart.
Savanah tried to smile, thinking about how horrible she was being to him when he had done nothing wrong. And he had such an emotive face, showing her that he was hurt and confused by how she was acting towards him suddenly. But it was like she couldn’t control it. It was just far too soon for her to be around him with the secret she was keeping right there inside of her body. She was almost afraid he would know. Like he would feel the difference in her or hear her child's heartbeat and feel betrayed. It was a paranoid thought, she knew that, but logic took only a little place in her life lately.
"It feels like it has been a long time. I wasn't sure when you would be able to come," Savanah said softly, unsure whether she was trying to convince him or herself that she could continue this like nothing had happened. She had missed him very much, but with the knowledge she had now, his presence brought a sense of dread.
"I know. Thomas has me getting my hands dirty in everything he does. It's like he had me dive in head first. I am going along with it because the more involved I am, the more information I can get," he offered, his hand reaching out to gently caress her back. Savanah tensed up but did not push him away. Though, he soon saw right through her war with herself.
“Is something wrong? Did something happen while I was gone?” Kyllian asked, doing that thing when he ran his hands haphazardly through his hair. It mussed it like always, something that both drove her insane and made her like him even more. It was a habit he almost never noticed, and she had been watching him do it since she met him.
“No, I just…” Savanah stammered, not knowing what to say as she felt a lump in her throat. It was stuck there along with everything that she wanted to just tell him and let go of, but she couldn’t do that. She just couldn’t. Instead, other words began to form, words that she wasn’t ready to say and knew she would regret.
"You don't have to do this for me anymore." She paused as he looked even more confused than before. He was going to say something, probably regurgitate something back to her about how he wanted to do this. He wanted to help her. But that was just the problem, wasn't it?
"This isn't your fight, Kyllian; even if you feel like you're responsible in some way because your father is the mayor. You got wrapped up into this because you met me, because your father ordered you here from Earth after two decades of complete silence. This isn’t your job, and I can't ask you to do it for me anymore." Savanah shook her head and looked at the ground so that she didn’t meet his eyes. She was pushing him away before it was too late and they both got hurt even more by her demons. They didn’t need to be his too.
"I don’t understand, Savanah. I offered to do this for you and for me. I want to help you because I care about you and because my father could very well be involved with all of this. And I want him out of it or out of my life, but we need proof. And I came here to see you and tell you that I have names of people that could be involved, people we can watch or interview."
Savanah couldn’t let him continue. She would have to either continue her investigations on her own or she would need to drop it entirely for the sake of the child growing inside of her.
“I appreciate it, and I am sorry your father is involved. But there is no we in this anymore. There just can’t be. I can’t feel responsible for the situations I put you in anymore.” She saw the instant hurt on his face. She didn’t want to do that to him at all. He recovered quickly, though, and took a strong stance before nodding and walking away without another word. The damage was done, even as Savanah fought the feeling, she had to just follow him and tell him how confused she was, that it wasn’t about him at all. In fact, she was trying to save him from a life of misery she was about to wrap him into. This way, maybe he could cut ties with this stupid planet and go back to Earth: forget all about it. He would be safe and happier than he could ever be with her. At least, that was how she was justifying things.
“I thought you really liked him, maybe even loved him.” The small voice startled her and almost made her jump as she realized Tika was now standing there, only a few feet away. In the heat of the moment, Tika must have come closer to them without Savanah noticing.
“Yes, and that’s why I did it. I think one day you’ll understand, but not now.” Savanah knew what she said was so harsh. She was just taking everything out on people she cared about and couldn’t stop herself. Luckily, Tika was not so easily offended.
As she spoke, she looked like a petite adult, a wise woman instead of a young orphan taken in not so long ago. It was her way: an inquisitive child one moment and an ancient guide the next. “I think I understand more than you give me credit for. It seems you are pushing him away for some reason. Something is wrong or different about you. What are you hiding?” she asked, cocking her head to the side, almost like a poet listening to their master speak and trying to figure out the meaning.
Tika’s intuition was spot on, and though Savanah wanted to lie or just walk away, she wasn’t sure she could. Not only did she believe that Tika would press the matter, but Savanah knew if she held it all in much longer that she would just explode, and that couldn’t be good for the baby. It was bad enough she could still have the episodes, though she had been good lately. She didn’t want any stress added to the fragile little life.
“I am with child,” she said softly, hoping no one else would come around to hear them.
Tika took a step closer as she understood the fact that this was a secret. “The baby… it’s not his, is it?” she asked sadly, glancing down at Savanah’s stomach with a sympathy that made her uncomfortable.
Savanah shook her head. “I wish it were so simple, but no. It’s from my time under the casino,” she said, not needing to give any other explanation. Tika knew mostly what happened, and Savanah tried not to give what was done to her a name that would hit too close to home and possibly send her into another one of her episodes.
“I see. So why don’t you want him to know? He knows what happened to you. I can’t imagine him being angry with you over it,” Tika reasoned, making a lot more sense than the thoughts running through Savanah’s head. It reminded her of the clarity she had before when she was just carefree regular Savanah.
“No, I think you are right about that. He wouldn’t be angry, though it still does scare me. But I don’t want to burden him with that decision, the decision to stick with me when I am having a child that is not his. If he decided to leave, he would live with the guilt of leaving a pregnant woman to fend for herself. That’s not something I want him to feel. He would never find happiness again with that weight on him. And if he chose to stay, I would never know if it was out of a feeling of obligation or duty or because he loved me and would love the child as his own. And then we would come to fight and resent each other, and then it would come out that he didn’t really love the child and hurt this child as well,” Savanah explained. It felt good to give a name to what she was feeling, to express it to someone, even someone so much younger.
“I think it is an easier decision than you think,” Tika said suddenly. “I was taken in without a second thought and brought here. All of you treat me likes friends and family though I do not belong to any of you,” she pointed out. “Love is an easy choice.” She skipped away, leaving Savanah to think on it, knowing she had possibly ruined her chance at love already.
