Chapter Sixteen
Christy was wholly confused. Sex with Blake was so different. It was better, more satisfying than any sex she had ever had, and not just in a physical way either. She had known that after the first time that they had had sex, but she still did not quite understand what it was that made it so different. It felt more real, more…
Heather said, “You mean it’s intimate.”
Christy, who’d been trying to explain her feelings, gawked at her. Then it clicked. That was exactly what she meant. Sex with Blake was not just sex: it was intimacy, in all its forms, and she knew then that she was going to stay if there was any way at all to do it.
She locked her fingers together. “Yes, that’s it. That’s what I meant, and you know what? That scares the shit out of me.”
“I know. You were so busy proving you don’t need it, you never let yourself know it. Because if you knew it, you might have to admit that you could fall in love.”
“I do love him.” The words came from her mouth before she could halt the flow of them. She looked down at the floor and added, “I just have no idea at all how he feels about me, and given how awful I have been to him, I’m not sure I even deserve that from him.”
“Wow,” Heather said, and with real feeling. She grabbed one of Christy’s hands, and Christy looked up. Heather stuck a finger in her face and said, “Let me tell you something. You do deserve to love, and what’s more, you deserve to let yourself be loved back. You’ve always been so scared of turning out like your mom, and I get it because I was there and I know what was happening to you when you were a kid. I know what she put you through, bringing home guy after guy and telling you each one was going to be the perfect husband and daddy. I know she was not the only one who got hurt when it did not work out. Your mom didn’t ever see how much she was hurting you, how much those guys she brought in and out of your life, were hurting you by never being the one, but I saw it. Because I was there.”
It was true. A thick, salty lump formed in her throat. Her chest went tight with tears she had never shed but had always wanted to. How many times had she felt like it was finally going to happen, that she was finally going to be a part of a real family, only to have the rug yanked out from under her? How many times had she had to be strong so she could comfort her mom when all she really wanted was some comfort of her own?
She choked out the words, “You know me too well.”
Heather said, “I know you well enough to know that you want this, that you love him, and that you are already looking for a way out. Well, you know what? You know the goddamn way out. It’s through that portal. If you don’t think you want him and this, then take it and go home.
“Because the truth is, while he was a lousy coffee date, he is a great guy. If I had to choose a guy for you, he’s the guy I’d choose. He’s a smartass, but so are you. He’s stubborn, and he’s scared of falling in love because, let’s face it, he has a lot to live up to considering what he had as an example when he was a kid. But he does love you. I know it. So, I’m telling you, as your best and longest friend, that you either need to be with him or leave him alone. Because all you’re doing right now is hurting the both of you.”
It was true. She was hurting herself, tearing herself to pieces while trying to figure out what she wanted and if she loved him when she had known all the time that she did. She was hurting him too. She was, and she had not wanted to see how hard he was trying to be with her, how much he was asking her for because it had been so much easier to just pretend that all he wanted was to use her for a family, and then drop her when he had it.
A family.
The one thing she had always wanted so badly. She still did not know if she would be a good mother. Maybe and maybe not. But one thing was certain; Blake would be a goddamn good father if they ever did have kids. He would be a great father in fact. He would also be a great man for her, and all she had done since she had come back was try to find an excuse to leave again.
Tears rolled down her face. “You’re right. The portal’s there, and all I would have to do is take it. I want to take it because I’m so scared, I feel like I can’t breathe. I feel like running away because I am so scared I will ruin it all, just like my mom used to do. That I will cling too tightly or find fault with everything because I have some crazy notion of what love is supposed to look like, and he can’t live up to it, and vice versa because yeah, look at what his parents had.”
Heather let out an exasperated breath. “You know what not to do. Go do what you want to do.”
That was all she needed to hear. Christy turned away and headed for Blake’s room, her feet flying over the stone floor. Her heart hammered hard and fast in her chest and her breath came in hard and sharp gasps. He was so close, and she had to tell him all those things, had to tell him before she could stop herself, before she could convince herself to just leave and leave it all unsaid. Before she could chicken out.
His door was closed, and she tapped on it. He swung the door open and said, “Hey, I was just looking for…”
Before she could think it through, she flung herself at him. Their bodies collided. Their lips met. That pure sweetness that was what she felt for him filled her as she felt the urgent press of his body and mouth against hers. Their teeth clashed a bit, and then their tongues met and danced. His hands pulled her closer yet, and into his strong and powerful embrace. That kiss lingered long, and she savored every single second of it, every soft-and-yet-fierce bit of it.
That kiss didn’t break off; it tapered off slowly, and when it was over, he said, “Christy, we need to talk. I need to tell you…” his hands raked through his hair. “I need you to know what’s happening.”
She said, “The Orcs are coming, aren’t they?”
“Yes.”
That single word told her everything she needed to know. War was there, and there was nothing she could do but stay or go. She knew then that it was past time to stop lying, to stop hiding her heart from him. She loved him, and she knew that she could lose him. She didn’t want to lose him.
She said, “Blake…I…I love you. I want…” She broke off. Tears shimmered across her vision. Her legs felt weak. Had she just done that: said the words she had always been so afraid to say? She had, and once they were out, she had to keep talking. “I do. I didn’t want to. I have always been scared to fall in love. My childhood, well it sucked. My dad left when I was little, and my mom never got over it. She pretty much left me to raise myself while she chased down love in every bar and bottle she could get into. I…I am so scared that I’ll have kids and screw them up. That I won’t give them enough love. I’m afraid I will love you and end up like she did.”
His fingers cupped her face. His voice was rough with emotion.
“My God, why didn’t you tell me all that before? I know when we met I was…yes. I know. It was all screwed up. But you know what? You’re enough. I know my line would die out if I didn’t have children, but you, well, you’re what I really want. You’re enough. If you love me but don’t want kids, then I don’t care. But…but you have to go home now. I’ll find you after this war is done. I promise.”
“I’m not leaving.” Christy folded her arms across her chest and glared at Blake. “I’m not. You’re crazy if you think I am or will. I just told you I love you and you said you love me too, and then you follow that up with, ‘Oh, by the way, I’m shoving you back through a portal. No worries, I’ll hit you up after this Orc thing’s all over.’ Are you serious?”
Blake raked his hands through his hair. “I didn’t say it exactly like that.”
“No, but that was the gist of it.”
