Marlene nodded, “Yes, but he still won in his way I guess. His son took the throne, and they were all forced to come here. I don’t know that they were so unhappy with that, really. But to be so changed had to be hard on them.”
She stood and began to gather up the plates. Christy said, “Here let me help you.”
Marlene said, “Thanks.”
Heather said, “I’ll carry that bottle back to the kitchen.”
They all went to the stairs and down them. The hall was silent now, and the lights had come up and on. The whole castle held a sort of hush, a soft quiet that held tension that Christy could feel. She asked, “Do you know if Blake went with the others?”
Marlene said, “I wouldn’t doubt it.”
The cook was gone and the kitchen clean and shining. Looking at the table made Christy remember that early morning and the tea and Blake’s amusement with her throwing the flour at his face when she had panicked at the sight of the grease fire he had caused.
And just like that, as if her thoughts had conjured him, he was there. He spoke from a corner, “Something smells good.”
Marlene held out the bowl. “You want some dinner?”
He looked into the bowl. His blond hair was rumpled, and lines of fatigue marked his face. He said, “I do but…Christy, can I talk to you?”
Say no, her mind screamed. Just say no and keep it moving. You don’t need this, and you really do not need him in your life, and you sure as hell do not need him in your heart or your bed. This has already gone too far.She cleared her throat, “I’m…” She looked around for some support from Heather or Marlene, but Marlene had a hand on Heather’s wrist and was pulling her away, fast. “A little busy.”
Then she turned and fled, right past the startled Marlene and Heather and toward her room where she shut the door and stood before it with her heart beating too fast and her entire body aching for his touch.
She managed to avoid him for the next few days. There was a lot going on. The humans from the village were being brought to the castle for their own safety; there was a pack of Orcs headed right for that village, and they could destroy the village, and the people in it. Having come face to face with the Orcs once herself, Christy understood that and relished her part in the rescue since it took up so much of her time and energy. It was not that she had to go riding in to help; it was more a matter of working with Marlene and the cook and others to make sure there were beds enough, food enough, and other necessities to keep them all in some kind of comfort, but even that was labor. The castle was vast, and she knew magic was what helped to make it larger still, and she also knew that whatever magic was spending expended, some of it was Blake’s.
Which just made it all somehow worse.
He was a magical thing, a once in a lifetime thing, and she was just an ordinary woman. She was certainly not the kind of woman his mother had been, not a woman possessed of a ton of courage. Every day as she worked, her life came back at her, hurtling around the corners. She found herself wondering how much of what she had accomplished had been accomplished because she was afraid to change the course she had set for herself. How much courage it would take to do something she truly loved. And what, exactly, she would really love to do.
She was thinking those thoughts when Blake finally cornered her. He said, “I think you’re avoiding me.”
“I’m just busy.” That she was avoiding him was not something she was willing to admit because if she did, she would also have to admit all the reasons why she was avoiding him.
Blake said, “I know I stood you up on our date and I’m sorry. I wish I’d had time to let you know what was happening. I do. I really wish I’d had time to do it. I wanted to, more than you know.”
Her heart ached. She could not figure out why. They had had sex all of one time, and he was so wrong for her, so why did she feel like he held so much of her in his hands?
“I know. You had to find out what the Orcs were up to and you and the others were gone all day and evening. By the time you came back, I was tired. So…so yeah. It’s fine. Whatever.” Hurt welled up. So did confusion. She was mad at him for ghosting on her, but she also knew why he had. She also knew that it had been important, what he had done instead. But more than that, she was mad at herself for catching some kind of feelings for him when that was the last thing on earth she needed to do. She was going home. Period.
He looked away. The sun came in through the windows and lit up his face. “Christy, is there any way we could have something together?”
Say yes. Say you want to find out.She took a deep breath, trying to tamp down those thoughts careening through her brain and the desire to utter them. They could never have anything. She did not want a child. She did not want to live there in that place. She wanted to go home. He could find someone, a woman who wanted all the things he offered.
There were humans, both men and women, who came searching for that place. She had met many of them. She knew that Blake had not hit it off with any of the women who had come through looking for that world but he might, one day. He might, and that woman might be willing to bear his child. He would find himself adrift from her because no matter what, that need to preserve his line was still the biggest thing on his mind. It was the one thing he had not budged on and never would.
She said, “No. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want…” She could not say that she did not want him. She did, and so much. But they were too different. They wanted such different things. “I have to go home,” she finished lamely.
He looked at his feet. The sun haloed around his golden head now and she felt her heart throb painfully. How she wanted to step closer to him, run her hands through that slightly coarse and crisp hair, tug his face up to hers and kiss him so hard that her head would spin.
She wrapped her arms around her body. Her eyes ached with the need to shed tears she knew she could not shed. Everything inside her said that he was the one, the one she was supposed to be with. But there was no way that they could be together.
She could never be a mother, never be happy with a man who wanted her because he wanted a child, and not because he wanted her.
Blake said, in a voice lacking any inflection or emotion. “They will be here soon to take you and Heather back through the portal.”
The silence spun out, long and awkward. Her emotions were a tangled mess she could not unravel or make sense of. She wanted to go. She wanted to stay. She wanted him. She wanted to run away from him as fast as she could.
He turned and walked out, closing the door softly behind himself and Christy felt the hard knots of tension in her body growing tighter and thicker as she stared at the door, knowing all she had to do was go through it, go to him, tell him everything and that she wanted to stay. That she had no idea what to do. That she was scared he was the perfect man for her. That she was scared she was the wrong woman for him.
