Say no. Inviting him in is the dumbest thing you could ever do.She cleared her throat. “I suppose.” What? Had she just said that? It seemed like she had, and he took that invite and entered. The door closed and they stood regarding each other. Clara’s defenses slammed home. She wrapped her arms around her middle and asked, “Was there something else?’
Probably a bad question but it was too late to take that back.
Renall’s hands tugged at the tunic of his suit. He looked away then back at her. He finally spoke. “I know we don’t have any reason to trust each other, or even like each other.”
Her heart sped along. “I would have to agree with that statement.”
He smiled. A real smile. It lifted his cheekbones and lit his remarkable eyes. It changed his entire face, and Clara gaped at him, bemused by the sudden lightness she saw in him.
He said, “Me too. Look, I don’t intend to run this place forever. I have other plans.”
“Do you?” Her spirits plummeted. She had no plans, and if he was there to tell her he was selling the hall, where would that leave her? “Are you selling the hall then?”
“Not now.” His hands dropped to his sides. “I will, eventually. I…I intend to have my own world, well, a shared one with my brothers. That takes much in the way of credits and alliances.”
Hell yes it did. Her mouth dropped open. She blinked a few times. “I see. That’s…” Insane. A whole world? That was beyond mind-boggling. It was also a tricky thing to accomplish in a Federation like the one that aligned some planets with others and against more. She managed to ask, “Is that your…is that why you were angry? You thought I risked too much and that loss that could have happened could have undone some part of your plan.”
“Yes.”
At least he was honest. She had to give him that. She did understand suddenly, and she regretted her action too, but at the same time, she felt a slight frisson of resentment. She asked, “Surely you know that the larger the hand, the easier it will be for me to win my mother’s passage and then for us to win the rest of our family from first serio-max and then your debt. Naturally, that is a large incentive to take more risks.”
“I agree.” His lips, those kissable and clever lips, twisted into a grimace. “I just don’t know what to do about it. The other dealers are indentured for a set number of years. You alone are not. I know you know that and that the terms of your service here are private for that reason. I find myself in a situation where I do not quite know what to do.”
Me too. I don’t know what to do about how I feel about you. Because I want you, and I damn sure can’t trust you, and I am pretty sure you don’t want me. I also have no idea of who started that kiss, and if you regret it. If you wish it had never happened.She cleared her mind of those thoughts. “I see.”
Renall said, “I have an alliance. I must stay in it. So I also must apologize for kissing you. You see, I was not thinking properly.”
Her eyes closed and opened. Hurt came in. “You have an alliance?”
He nodded. “I do. I am already promised to the female child of a ruler of one of the planets in the system I shall be private planeting in. Their laws forbid sexual congress between betrothed, no matter whom that congress may be between. Also, they consider kissing sexual congress. So I have broken that agreement in part, and I have to ask you now to say nothing of it. I would rather forget the whole thing.”
“Me too.” She would. “I don’t want to cause you any…whatever.” Her pulse lowered and slowed. Renall had just made it very clear that he did not want her and that he could never be with her either. Not unless he wanted to toss away something of the magnitude of a private planet. No way was he going to choose a carder he barely knew over that, and she was not sure she could blame him for that.
Renall nodded. Relief was clear on his face. “Thank you.”
He headed for the door and out of it. Clara stood there, arms still wrapped around her body, thinking hard.
The loneliness came back. Her heart hurt. Her life felt gray and colorless and as stale and flat as the air being pumped through the room by the re-circulators. Another tap at the door sounded, and her heart sprang back into life. Was it him? Had he come back to say… “Oh for pity’s sake,” she muttered. “You really need to have an encounter with someone. Anyone. Release some of the tension so you stop mooning over him like an idiot.”
She pressed the button for the door and took her dinner tray. She settled at the table, staring at the food. Back in Old Toronto, she would have killed for that meal. Fresh fruit. Real bread and not just nutrition-loaf. A wedge of sky cheese, a porous and soft cheese made with the milk of goats found on Orbitary’s outer edges. A thin slice of protein shaped in an appealing way and covered with carb-rich gravy flavored with spices. A glass of wine made from actual roots and hanging fruits.
Everything tasted like dust. Everything around her felt hollow and insubstantial. Clara let tears come, her head bowing as she chewed and sipped and wished with all her heart that she and her family had never been caught and separated, and that she had never met Renall—because it was already very clear that he was doing a number on her emotions and that was one more thing she simply could not afford.
