Felix nods and quickly rearranges us so Vivian and I are facing each other, then he steps in front of the mic.
“OK. Quiet please.” The tiny audience goes silent. “In season one, episode six, “Did You See?”,what does Bud Leroy decide he wants to be when he’s older?”
I blink at the floor, a thousand scenes clicking through my brain, my eyes darting back and forth as I take myself back to the maybe thirty-three times I’ve watched that episode, until there it is. Bud Leroy, cross-legged on Lila’s bed, just after the opening credits, her head in his lap as they finish their Chinese food and talk about their future, and he tells her he wants to be a . . .
“Fortune-cookie writer!”
I scream the words out, just as Vivian shouts . . .
“Horticulture therapist.”
The audience gasps, and we both look round at Felix, who looks between us until his eyes settle on me, filled with sorrow.
“The correct answer is horticulture therapist.”
Vivian turns to her teammates and gives them a wink, which is somehow worse than if she was jumping around in my face. I feel like my knees are about to buckle as I stare at Felix, shaking my head.
“No . . . I . . .”
I gave the right answer, IknowI did. But then I look at Roxy, who’s looking back at me with such a pained expression, I know I must be wrong. Which means that Vivian is right.
And then I realise; I didn’t think far enough into the episode. I answered too fast.
My brain fast-forwards through the rest of the episode, past the flesh-eating Cranzig Serpentand the Vampire Triplets,to the final scene where Bud reveals to Lila that he’d rather be a horticulture therapist, because after Dorian at the underground bookstore betrayed them, he trusted plants more than he trusted people, and then he says . . .
“That’s my official choice, Lila,” I murmur, my insides crumbling, “I’m done with the fortune cookie-writing game.”
I could argue it. I could say it’s a trick question because he says both things in the episode, so technically both answers are correct. Maybe. Would it stand up in a court of law, because Bud makes his decision clear at the end of the episode (and then starts plumping the leaves of Lila’s spider plant)? In my nerd heart, I know it wouldn’t. I can tell from Felix’s sorry, puppy-dog eyes that his team of researchers checked and double-checked the answer against the script, because he knows exactly who he’s dealing with. Superfans. Or at least, I thought I was.
If I can’t get that right, then the who the hell am I?
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
ORION FENIMORE
What part of be quiet do you not understand?
LILA MURPHY
The part where you’re telling me to be quiet.
Vampire Falls. Season one, episode nine – “Not On Our Watch”
“Everyone’s looking at me.”
“Nobody’s looking at you, babe,” says Roxy. “They’re looking at the Kaltenbrande demon and the dude with the claw marks across his cheek. How is the blood spurting like that?”
Do not be alarmed. There has not been a demon massacre at the hotel. We’re looking round the special effects demos in one of the breakout rooms. You can have an actual artist from the show make you up to look like a vampire, demon or zombie – whatever’s your poison. Guess who had a reaction to the glue last year and had to take an antihistamine then lay down with a flannel over her face for the entire last day? What was under the flannel looked way worse than the Verrucrust demon prosthetics, believe me.
“And me, because I’m a big fake fan loser person,” I grumble.
Roxy ignores me and takes a photo of a zombie doing the peace sign. After the quiz, I raced up to our room to pack my bags and flee my failure, only to discover Roxy had anticipated this move and confiscated my key card. So here I am instead, dragging my hopeless, hollow shell around, a fraud among my peers. At least I’ve been able to shower.
“You’re not a loser, and you still get points for second place,remember?” says Roxy, putting the envelope in her backpack. We retrieved it from the coffee shop, where they referred to me as Chair Girl. “Reception said we can use one of the empty conference rooms so you can practise for the next part of the competition. You can do your usual routine, but you should still go through it.”
“What’s the point? Big fake loser people don’t win cosplay competitions.”
“They don’t if they don’t practise.” I pause and raise my eyebrows at her. Roxy rolls her eyes. “And you’re not a loser. You’re amazing, blah blah, I already said that.”
