Vampire Falls. Season six, episode nine – “All Together Now”
If you think Damon Van Schwartz’s eyes look blue inVampire Falls, then I’m here to tell you that they are way, way higher on the blue scale in real life, my friend. Like, bluer than every expanse of water a young-adult fiction author could ever compare them to. Insanely blue. I swear a blue hue reflects across the marble floor as he strides in with a Colgate smile, phone in his hand, and an assistant picking up on his every non-verbal command.
I swallow and tuck my hair behind my ears as I watch him cross the floor, the rest of the convention attendees flocking towards him like ants to honey. He glances between them and his phone, his smile not faltering as he greets fans and nods, but not stopping for a moment in case anyone tries to mount him. (I’ve seen this happen once. Poor woman was so overwhelmed she started crying and tried to climb up his back. We’ve all been there, Marion.)
“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god,” squeals Sadie, as Damon glides across the foyer, “his eyes aresoblue.”
See?
Roxy has pulled Sadie close and put an arm around her as she slowly falls apart being in the same oxygen space as her favourite actor for the first time. It’s an important rite of passage for any superfan, and honestly, I’m glad I’m here for it.
Sadie’soh-my-godsbecome more and more incoherent until the poor girl is actually sobbing. Roxy and I share a knowing smile, then we turn back to watch Damon Van Schwartz finish doing his thing, and something incredible is happening.
Damon Van Schwartz, being the ultra-sensitive people-loving person he is, has clocked the cute crying kid and is heading right for her.
Which means he’s heading right for us.
Basically, right forme.
I quickly insert myself between Charlie Chamberlain and Sadie and put my arm around her too, so she looks like mine and Roxy’s daughter and, ignoring Charlie Chamberlain’s insistence that I apologise for crushing his metatarsal, look down adoringly at Sadie who is now practically hyperventilating.
“Hey kid, what’s up?” drawls Damon Van Schwartz. Oh, hisvoice. “Who you here with?”
“My-my-my . . .” stammers Sadie, fanning her face with both hands.
Charlie Chamberlain steps in front of me. Wanker-face.
“Me, her brother. Sorry, Damon, I think she’s a little overwhelmed.”
Damon?Who the bloody hell does Charlie Chamberlain think he is, addressing Damon Van Schwartz in such a casual manner? Unbelievable.
“Oh, that’s OK, we all get a little overwhelmed sometimes, right?” says Damon Van Schwartz. “What’s your name, kid?”
“S-s-s-s . . .” hiccups poor Sadie.
“Sadie,” says Charlie, stepping backwards and putting his arm around Sadie so I’m relegated to standing behind him and hisstupid tallness.
“Nice name.” Damon looks at Charlie Chamberlain. “What about you, big brother. What’s your name?”
“Charlie.”
“You think our Sadie’s gonna be OK, Charlie?”
“She’ll be fine.”
I step to the side as Damon Van Schwartz beams at Sadie, well-schooled in calming down hysterical tween fans. He stretches his arm out behind, turning his palm up without even looking at his assistant who somehow reads his mind and pulls out a Sharpie and a glossy photo from thin air. She puts them in his hand, and he signs his name across theVampire Fallsphoto and hands it to a snivelling Sadie.
“Well, I hope you have a great weekend, Sadie. Make sure you say hey next time we see each other, OK?”
Sadie manages something between a nod and a convulsion, and Damon Van Schwartz stands up and takes a moment to acknowledge Roxy and then me. His eyes rest on my face for a moment before he looks down, and I remember with horror what I’m wearing. He reads the slogan and raises his eyebrows.
“Well, good for you, I guess,” he says, then turns to walk away.
“This isn’t my T-shirt!” I blurt. Damon Van Schwartz recoils a little. I guess he’s always on high alert for potentialI’m-your-biggest-fan-I’ve-saved-my-toenail-clippings-for-youtypes. “I mean, I had an accident and had to get changed and this was all there was.”
“Hey, no need to explain: you do you,” says Damon Van Schwartz, pressing his palms together, then pointing at me with both index fingers. “You wanna be a virgin, you be a virgin.”
“No, I mean, thank you, but this isn’t mine and anyway, it saysThis is an old T-shirton the back,” I say, turning round so he can read the back.
