“Wow, what a charmed life you lead, Sarah Gallagher.” Beth laughed warmly as she picked up her remaining taco. Sarah couldn’t help but laugh, too.
“That’s all Nell. I’m still me, but my job comes with different perks now.” Their laughter faded, and Sarah felt the tension begin to pull again at the silence that followed.
Sarah wanted to ask Beth so many things about her life and how she was doing. Beth wasn’t someone she was used to staying on the surface with. From their very first meeting, she had metaphorically grabbed Sarah by the hand and pulled her down into the depths of her thoughts without hesitation. But that wasn’t them anymore. Sarah wasn’t sure if that was a part of whatever dynamic they were leaning on now.
A few minutes passed in silence as Sarah fought the urge to overanalyze every minute of their conversation so far. Her thoughts started to loop: Had she been weird? Too pushy? Too friendly? Not friendly enough?
Beth tucked a strand of hair behind her ear contemplatively. “You told me back in June that I could let you know if I wanted to talk about Jamie with you.”
Sarah watched Beth slide her sunglasses down over her eyes, blocking her ability to see what really lived behind them. “Yeah. Yes. Of course you can. What’s up?”What’s up? What’s up! Really?She chastised herself for not being more eloquent with her words.
“Transparently, things are kind of a clusterfuck,” Beth said in one breath, crinkling her paper napkin and tossing it on the empty tray in front of her.
Sarah’s head snapped up at that, startled more by the openness rather than the admission. She stayed quiet, letting Beth lead.
Beth’s tongue traced along her upper lip as she thought carefully. “Obviously, I miss Jamie so, so much. But…” She trailed off, eyes fixing on a spot on the lime green table top.
It was small, but it was there, that visible hesitation. Beth was deciding whether she trusted her with this. Sarah didn’t like the twist in her stomach that followed that realization because Beth’s trust had always been a given. There was a time in their lives when Beth would crawl into her lap on hard days and fall apart in the safety of her embrace, but those days were so far behind them.
“I’ve been stuck in this place where I don’t know the right way to grieve her anymore. I loved her, but I don’t know what we would have become if we had more time. Would we have broken up? Would we have gotten married? I have no clue. I honestly could have seen it going either way. And then comes the guilt because it doesn’t feel fair to think like that when she’s not here to prove me wrong. I’m stuck in this space between mourning and guilt, and to be honest, it’s starting to wear on me,” Beth finished, her chest heaving, fingers curled tightly around the water bottle in her hand. “Fuck. Sorry, Sar, I didn’t mean to unload on you like that,” she muttered, taking a swig from her water bottle. “I haven’t been able to say that to anyone, but it feels good to get it out there. Please don’t think I’m a bad person. I really do miss Jamie, but also, like,what the fuck, you know?”
Sarah was still hung up on the three-letter variation of her name that only Beth had ever called her. It had been a few years since she’d heard her say it.
Her first instinct was to offer up a solution. Something to solve Beth’s problem instantly, but all she could think was,I have no idea how to help her. I’m the last person who should be offering any kind of advice here.She reached her hand across the table, resting it in the space between them. Not quitetouching Beth, but close enough that if Beth wanted to reach out, she could.
“I don’t know what the right answer is, but I do know that we all have thoughts we’re not proud of. But as far as those go, I think they’re pretty harmless and incredibly understandable.”
Beth looked up at her; Sarah caught her own gaze in the reflection of Beth’s sunglasses. Beth didn’t smile, only nodded.
Sarah didn’t know what it meant, what any of this meant, but she did know that Beth had trusted her with this, and maybe that was the stepping stone they needed to begin to build the foundation of a new kind of friendship between them. She removed her hand from the table, pulling her own sunglasses down over her eyes, and stood to deposit their trash in a nearby bin.
“I still can’t believe you let Nell hire a matchmaker,” Beth said, amusement lacing her words.
Sarah grinned. “Letis a bit of a stretch. It’s Nell. She kind of just does what she wants. You get used to it. At least I’ll have some good stories to tell you.”
Beth turned her gaze slightly to look at her as they walked back toward the hotel. “I’d like that. To hear them, I mean. I forgot how easy it is to talk to you.”
Sarah kept her eyes on the sidewalk ahead of them, but that didn’t stop the smile that slowly spread across her face. She wanted to say,me too, but instead she kept walking beside Beth, matching her stride for stride.
FOUR
LILY
JULY
A muted wall of noise pressed in around Lily as she shook out her arms under the hot arena lights, waiting for her cue to step onto the floor for her second-to-last event of the Olympic Games. It had been an intense week of competition; it was the Olympics after all. She had helped Team USA secure gold in the team all-around with her beam routine and had even picked up an unexpected gold on her individual uneven bar event. Still, it was the bronze medal for the individual all-around that had been gnawing at her for two days. It wasn’t the outcome she had planned for.
But it was fine. That’s just how things went sometimes. Lily would adjust. All she needed to do now was take the next ninety seconds of her life and give it everything she had. A judge motioned for her to step onto the floor. Time to shine.
The spring-loaded floor creaked beneath her feet as she took her starting position, inhaling deeply as she placed one hand on her hip, turning her head, waiting for her music to start.
Ninety seconds. That’s it. That’s all it was. Lily could do that except for…Bronze.
The word bounced around her head like a rubber ball, ricocheting off every surface.You didn’t win the all-around. Youwere supposed to, but you came up short. Maybe you’re not as good as everyone says.
“Get out of your head, Gallagher.”
Jamie’s voice cut through her mental chatter. It sounded so clear, so real, almost as if Jamie were standing on the mat beside her.
