Jamie caught the way Sarah grimaced, raising her own glass to her lips, muttering, “Sometimes it’s a blessing and a curse.”
A silence stretched between them before Jamie spoke again. “Do you believe in soulmates?”
She watched Sarah’s expression closely as she blinked, the question clearly catching her off guard. She and Sarah weren’t really the type of friends who had deep conversations on purpose—an unspoken mutual agreement between them. The few times over the years their conversations had strayed into the deep end, it had been more of a read-between-the-lines situation rather than either of them saying what they meant outright. But Jamie didn’t want that this time.
“You know, I’ve never really given it too much thought, but I think I do,” Sarah said curiously.
“I definitely didn’t, at least not at first.” Jamie laughed. “God, I thought the whole concept was such a load of shit. Like, you’re telling me that of all the people in the world, there is only one other person out there made for me? And I’m supposed to find them? In my list of things I needed to accomplish in life before running out of time, that was at the bottom.” She shifted in her seat, bringing her legs up and tucking them underneath her, making a mental note of the absence of the feeling like she needed to run that usually accompanied a conversation like this.
Jamie smiled, settling back into the armchair. “But I think I’m starting to see things differently. Maybe we’re like a chain of paper dolls, cut in one form, and maybe our soulmates are the people who expand us, growing and strengthening that chain through the connections we make. Some of them are romantic, some are platonic, and some are familial—but all are equally important because, at the end of the day, a soulmate is someone lucky enough to bear witness to our lives in a way no one else does.” She inhaled deeply, carefully choosing her next words. “I’m sure some of this is me being overly reflective heading into my surgery this week, but getting to be a part of this family—to get to experience that kind of love—Beth, Lily, Amanda, you—even Nell in her own weird way—all of you are my soulmates. And it’s been amazing getting to experience that before I die.”
Sarah’s lips parted slightly as she stammered through her surprise, “Jamie—I—that’s—die?” Her glass clinked against the marble coaster as she set it down. “No one’s talking about dying. I thought your team was feeling really positive about this surgery.”
“They are, and I hope that it does go well. I really, truly do because the idea of leaving Beth and Lily—of leaving all of you—” Her voice cracked, a hot prickling sensation burning at the corner of her eyes as she looked away.
Sarah handed her a box of tissues, and Jamie was thankful for the moment to pull herself together. “Sorry.” She grinned feebly. “I told myself I wasn’t going to cry.” She looked back at Sarah, her confidence settling in, feeling more sure than ever about what she needed to tell her next. “I need to have a plan going into this surgery, you know, something for every outcome. I thought you, of all people, would appreciate that.”
“I do appreciate that, but it doesn’t necessarily mean I like thinking about it,” Sarah said softly. “So how can I help?”
Jamie crinkled up the damp tissue in her hands, shoving it into her pocket before leaning forward, reaching for the shoebox on the coffee table between them.
“Thanks for indulging me on the deep stuff, I know that’s not really our speed.” Jamie laughed, trying to force a mood change between them, tapping her fingers against the lid of the cardboard shoebox.
“Well, it’s not like I can say no to you right now. The cancer card is kind of hard to beat.”
“My plan is already working perfectly, then.” Jamie lifted the shoebox and handed it to Sarah. “I need you to take this. If everything goes according to plan and I wake up just fine from surgery, great, I’ll grab the box back, and we never need to speak of this again. But if, for whatever reason, things don’t go according to plan, I need you to make sure Beth and Lily find this.”
“What’s in it?”
“It’s mostly for Lily—just letters of advice I wish I had been able to hear from my mom after she passed away. To be honest, I’m sure she’ll find it equally as corny as she finds me right now.”
“Oh, stop,” Sarah scoffed. “Lily idolizes you, and you know it.”
Jamie grinned. “She’s the best kid, Sarah. I mean that. I’ve loved every moment of getting to be a part of Lily’s life. And I hope I get a lifetime more with her.”
“Me too,” Sarah whispered sincerely.
A quiet followed, and in that moment Jamie appreciated Sarah’s comfort with silences, understanding that a lot could be said without words.
“And for Beth?” Sarah asked after a long pause.
“There’s a—uh—letter in there for her too,” Jamie said, shifting her gaze away to hide the fresh wave of tears building up. She wiped at her eyes, laughing through it. “I’m sorry, I’m—I’m not the best at explaining my feelings, but I think it’s important that you understand.”
Sarah looked at her for a moment, her smile reassuring and open. “I’ve got time, take as long as you need.”
Jamie took a deep breath, eyes darting to the shoebox in Sarah’s hands. “I couldn’t figure out why I survived cancer the first time. My prognosis was less than stellar, and I was ready to die—scared, but ready. I made my peace with that possibility. And I didn’t get why I lived—until I met Beth. Until I met my soulmate.”
Jamie watched Sarah closely as Beth’s name left her lips, watched the way an invisible shield glossed over her gaze. The one she understood was Sarah’s way of sayingI’m not here to get in your way.She had always appreciated Sarah’s respect when it came to Beth, something she could have easily withheld.
“Loving Beth has been—it’s changed me in all the best ways, ways I didn’t know existed. And I just, I wanted her to know that…you know, if things don’t go according to plan…I wanted her to know how much all of this meant to me. And how much I ultimately want her to find her happiness. I think that’s something you and I have always shared…”
She let her voice trail off as her eyes met Sarah’s with that same flash of understanding of what loving Beth in that way was like.
“So,” Jamie said, clapping her hands to her knees before standing. “Yeah. That’s it. That’s everything.”
Sarah rose slowly, the shoebox still in her hands. “So you just need me to make sure they get the box? That’s it?”
“Yup. But not right away. I have a feeling the girls are going to need a little time before things start feeling normal again, and that’s when I want them to find it.”
