I had a flash of saying goodbye to my mama, papa, and sisters so long ago. The place where I said goodbye had changed, the people I bid farewell to were different, but I had not changed one bit. The pain of leaving someone I loved, knowing I might never see them again, knowing that even if I did make it back to them, they could likely be gone because death had claimed them, well,that pain nearly drove me to my knees as I stood here. My breath came shallow, and the golden light blurred, wavering through gathering tears. Gillie squeezed me tighter, as though sensing the tremor running through me, then drew back. Tears shone on her lashes, catching the fading sunlight.
“Ye will have the curse broken, and ye will return to yer family.”
“Ye are also my family,” I whispered.
“Aye,” she said gently. “But ye ken what I mean. Ye will return to the family ye were born into and take yer rightful place.”
A cool breeze stirred, lifting loose strands of my hair, and I tucked them back behind my ear as I spoke. “I do nae care for taking my rightful place,” I said, brushing away tears that were already cooling on my skin. “I could nae even if I wanted to,” I added. “Even if I could break the curse, I could nae ever return home. They’d take one look at me, unchanged in twenty years, name me a witch, and hang me.”
Gillie opened her mouth as if to speak, but across the way, James motioned toward me. The sky behind him glowed a soft gold, and I knew we needed to leave. “I do want to go home and see my family just one more time,” I rushed out, feeling the press of time as I had not in years. “I want to ensure they are all right, but I fear—well, I fear—”
“Aye,” Gillie said, the one word heavy with understanding and sorrow. “Ye fear time will have taken many of them.”
I nodded because my throat had tightened, but I swallowed and spoke again. “If I can break the curse, I’ll come back here.”
She arched her eyebrows at me. “And if nae?”
The air suddenly felt colder. “If nae,” I said, barely above a whisper, “I do nae think I can stand to lose ye someday, the children, and—”
She set a cold finger to my lips and scowled at me. “Ye can nae go through life alone.”
I pushed her finger away and grabbed her hands. “I can nae go through life losing those I love. ’Tis too much pain to bear over and over again.”
Now she glared at me. “Ye promised Mara ye’d aid me.”
“Aye,” I said, misery rising. “But—”
“Nay!” she bit out, stomping her foot, the sound dull against the packed earth. “I will nae hear any arguments. What is yer plan, then?” she demanded in a furious whisper, her face turning red. “Will ye live alone in a cave? Will ye avoid all human contact?”
“Nay,” I said softly. “Do nae be ridiculous. I will be a true Traveler, and I will go from village to village healing people until I hopefully meet my end someday.”
“That is a terrible plan,” she said, shaking her head.
“Aye,” I agreed, “but ’tis the only one I have right now.”
She poked lightly over my heart. “Ye could nae ever stick to that. Ye feel too much. Ye will let someone in. First, they will be a friend, and then a mentor, mayhap, and then they will be as family, just like—”
“Just like Mara and the rest of ye.”
She gave me an understanding smile. “Ye can avoid loving a man, I suppose,” she said, shrugging. “Though I do nae recommend it, as they can bring ye such pleasure out of bed and within.”
Warmth bloomed in my cheeks again, despite the growing cold.
She winked at me. “But ye can nae avoid feeling for anyone without avoiding everyone, and if ye do that, if ye live in isolation, ’tis nae living at all.”
Her words settled heavily in my chest as dusk claimed more of the sky. The thought of losing her, the children, and so manyother Summer Walkers I’d come to love made me ache, but I knew she was right that the life I’d have if I shut everyone out would be miserable, so I would relent, just a bit. “I’ll return nae matter what,” I grumbled, “but I’ll nae be wedding a man, falling in love, and having bairns, only to lose them all. Nay.” “I’ll nae push ye,” she said. “But ye might as well enjoy the pleasure a man can bring ye, especially one ye ken ye will nae ever see again.”
Her gaze slid past my shoulder toward James, and before I could stop myself, a question slipped out. “Do ye ken if it’s possible to be with a man and avoid having a child?”
Her eyes met mine, and a slow, conspiratorial smile tugged the corners of her mouth up with a wicked tug.
“As a matter of fact,” she said, “I do.”
Not long later, with Gillie’s words about how to prevent a bairn in my head, along with her comments that James would be the perfect candidate for me to ‘take my pleasure,’ as she said, I found myself being helped onto my horse, James’s hands wrapped around my waist. I don’t know whether it was Gillie’s teasing words playing through my mind or simply that I was attracted to this man in a way I’d never been to another, but when James touched me, my entire body tingled. Heat blossomed immediately in my lower belly and, unfortunately, on my face.
“Safe travels!” Gillie called with a grin. I knew she had seen my blush and likely understood why. “See ye soon!” she added, and I knew that was her way of reminding me I had promised to return.
I followed James’s lead, letting him wind us past the Summer Walkers and villagers who’d gathered to see me off. At the end of the line stood Dyron and Sorcha, their small hands clasped,cheeks smudged with dirt and berry juice. My chest tightened as I slowed my horse, dismounted, and knelt to hug the children. When I pulled back, Dyron handed me a long piece of twine knotted into a bracelet. “We made it for ye,” he said, motioning to himself and his sister, who was now sucking her thumb.
