“You’renothinglike him!” I protested hotly. “I don’t think you could be if you tried. Don’t worry. I won’t breathe a word to James. It could seriously upset him, and we don’t know anything for sure.” This time, I kissed him, slowly and thoroughly until I wondered why we were still outside when we could be naked and writhing on the sheets of his bed. We were thinking along the same lines, so I hurried to slake the dirt off my hands and arms, then once again we were tumbling to the mattress to give vent to our desire.
Lying together some time later, staring at the ceiling, I said, “Did you mean it, about feeding from me?”
A deep groan prefaced Edwin’s throaty, “Absolutely. If you’re still up for that?”
“I am. I’m a bit nervous, but I’d be a liar if I said the thought didn’t excite me.”
He found my hand and held it so tightly I feared for my bones. “Later today, when you’ve rested?”
“Absolutely.” I rolled over and searched his face. “What’s on your mind?”
For the longest moment, he didn’t reply. Then, with a hesitance that worried me, he said, “I’ve been thinking.”
Oh, shit.“About what?”
Another long pause, before, with a crack in his voice that tore at my heart, he said, “The thought of one day losing you is so painful, I’m struggling to even say the words. Would you…I mean…if it didn’t repulse you…might you consider drinking my blood sometimes, like James does? Vampire blood would keep you from ageing almost indefinitely. I know it’s a lot to ask, but I’m not asking lightly.”
Oh, Goddess.Nowwhat do I say?
33
JAMES
What can I possibly say?I’d listened while Dalziel spilled his guts about what he described as the second worst period of his life — the worst being the loss of his children when he was human. Tears slid unchecked down my cheeks as he recounted the events without any noticeable emotion, but,fuck me, surely reliving this had to hurt him. I hurt and it wasn’t my pain, although parts of it felt frighteningly similar in places.
He noticed me swiping my eyes dry with my arm. “I didn’t tell you to garner sympathy. That part of my life is in the past and all wrongs have been fully avenged. I don’t dwell on it; it’s done and over. I told you to give you some background as to why I think I might be able to help you.”
“Okay.” How could anything I say not sound pathetic? “So what now?”
“Your turn.”
My turn to what—Oh God, no way! I hugged myself. “Explain, please?”
“Perhaps I wasn’t clear. You need to purge yourself of every thought you’ve been storing in the back of your mind hoping it will stay hidden and quiet, which we’ve seen doesn’t work. Bring them out into the open and let the light destroy them.” Hehuffed. “Quite a vampire metaphor in there somewhere. But this won’t work unless you give it your best shot. Nothing spared. Not a stone left unturned in those dark recesses that are the kindling for the flames of your nightmares.”
There was a long pause where I’m sure the only sound was the rising tempo of my heartbeat while I digested his words.
“You want me to tell youeverything?Like, relive all the worst days and nights of my entire twenty-three years and detail it all for you. Out loud?” I stared at Dalziel Millar like he’d lost his mind.
But he merely nodded, before saying in a tone that gave me no hint he was kidding, “I do.”
“Fucking Christ,” I muttered, stung into swearing. I wasn’t scared of this bloke exactly, but I’d been around Edwin and his friends long enough to have a healthy respect for the world of hurt Millar could unleash on me if he felt like it. Or, more likely, if I hurt one of his vampire coven. He took his responsibility as their sire very seriously. You could almost feel it coming off him in waves.
He handed me a paper bag. “A box of tissues. I suspect you might need some. I prefer cloth handkerchiefs myself, but you might wish to burn anything that comes out of this session. A ceremonial ‘fuck you’ to that bastard, shall we say? I will light the fire in the grate later, or if it’s too warm for you inside, I have a small patio area in the back.”
I continued gawping at him, lost for words. He didn’t seem to mind my lack of speech, sitting patiently with his hands resting loosely in his lap. He moved just enough that if you didn’t know, you wouldn’t suspect he was a vampire. Tiny fidgets, a twitch of his nose, a blink, the subtle rise and fall of his chest, then he circled one ankle in its posh-looking loafer. Damn, it put me at my ease and I knew he was a vamp.
Eventually, I sighed. “You’ve done this before, right?”
“Sadly, yes. No two circumstances are the same, but as you have realised, the supernatural world doesn’t make it easy to admit what is seen as weakness by some of our kind. There are no sanctioned therapists that I am aware of. The Evergreen Council has a wide reach and is growing ever larger, so if they were about, I would know. It’s possibly not healthy to deal with trauma by kicking seven bells of shite out of the one or ones that hurt you, but as a vampire, I can confirm that it feels fucking fantastic.” I could feel my eyes were like saucers at his sudden switch to such an informal way of talking. “Of course, you don’t have the physical advantages to take that route, and even if you did, your assailant is safely returned to the hell from which he evidently escaped. Which leaves us with less violent methods at our disposal.”
“Yeah.” He had a point. Cormack was dust, and my Edwin had been the one to avenge me. Thinking of Edwin gave my heart a rusty jolt. I was aware I’d been hiding in a cloud, a bubble of numbing foam, for a while. Why had I done that? I dredged my hazy brain cells for anything that had triggered my retreat into a space I’d not occupied since the time I’d first been taken into care all those years ago. I couldn’t think why I’d felt I had to run. I loved Edwin. I was…extremely fond of Trace. What roadblocks had I thrown into my own path? The answers wouldn’t come.
“I’m a bit lost.” I swallowed the lake of saliva that had somehow formed in my mouth and raised my eyes. “I, uh, perhaps you’re right.” I’d rather remove my own eyeballs and eat them with ketchup than do this, but I had the feeling that therapy wasn’t supposed to be easy.
“Would you like anything before we start? A cup of tea, perhaps?” I shook my head. “Are you physically comfortable?”As I’m ever likely to be.The enormous circular armchair with its assorted cushions and a thin fleece blanket was as near tofloating as I’d ever managed. I nodded silently once more. “Then we will begin. In your own time, James.”
“I was out at a club. In Leeds, like. That’s my home. Was my home. I like dancing. Iusedto like dancing…”
