He tried breathing to see if it helped centre him. Of course, it did sod all. He sighed. “Sorry, can you repeat what you said?”
Gethin chuckled. “I didn’t say anything. It was obvious you’d gone for a mental wander. But I really don’t want to have to say this twice.” He twisted to face Sorley and took Sorley’s hands in his. He swallowed. Sorley watched him, fascinated as a sheen of sweat appeared, glistening on the wolf’s forehead.
“Look, it’s simple. I love you, Sorley. I probably should have said that before. But I wasn’t sure you’d hear me.” His throat bobbed wildly and a pulse ticked at his temple. Sorley felt the urge to smooth his thumb over the spot, but Gethin had a death grip on his hands. He felt his sluggish vampire heart skip a beat at Gethin’s declaration. Sorley had known, of course, but he’d tried so hardnotto know, just as Gethin thought. This man knew him inside and out, all the parts he’d tried to hide. It was terrifying.He loves me.
He nodded, unable to maintain eye contact with Gethin’s earnest brown gaze. “I know you do.”
“And you love me back.” Quiet, assured, confident.Correct.
This time Sorley looked up sharply. Silence stretched between them, taut and fragile. Gethin was holding his breath, Sorley realised. His eyes prickled with whatever his physiology had left him with instead of tears.
“Aye, I do,” he said at last. “But it’s hopeless. And I refuse to put myself through heartache for no good reason. This will only end badly.” He was whispering now. “I’m worth more.”I wish I was worth more.
Gethin loosed one hand and brought it up to card his fingers through Sorley’s still-damp strands.
“You’re wortheverything.”Gethin’s eyes were huge and luminous. “Which is why I’ve been speaking to Dalziel, and Justin, and even Alec.” He smiled hesitantly, an endearing, crooked affair. “I’m going to become immortal.”
Sorley had never fully understood the meaning of the phrase ‘record scratch moment’ — until now. The world tilted in an out-of-focus whirl, his head spinning as he absorbed Gethin’s meaning. Then he tugged free of the shifter and shot off the bed, hands landing on his hips in awhat the actual fuckstance.
“Are you absolutely out of your mind? Seriously, Hughes, have you lost whatever paltry marbles you were allegedly in possession of?” He raked his fingers across his scalp and gawped incredulously at Gethin. “You’re insane.”
He stalked to the window and stabbed at the heavy brocade curtains that covered the blackout blinds behind them. “You see these? They aren’tdecoration, man. They’re to keep. Me. Alive. To stop me burning up. To prevent me from turning to ash. They’re not a fashion accessory or a design statement. They’reabsolutely freaking essential.”He warmed to his theme, pacing the uneven varnished floorboards, his bare feet slapping silently on the planks. “Have you even considered food? Everything you love to eat, and ohboy, have I seen you eat, will taste alien and make you violently, horrifically sick within minutes if you’re stupid enough to swallow it. Apart from unadulterated caffeine, alcohol and water, none of which will have any effect on either your thirst or your nervous system, blood,humanblood, will beit— forever. For eternity. Until the end of the world. The End Of Time. Do you haveanyconcept of what that means?”
He halted his pacing to glare at Gethin, who hadn’t moved from the bed except to sit forward. His big hands rested on his knees as if Sorley were delivering a fascinating lecture instead of schooling him on every reason not to choose immortality.
But you want him to. You want this so desperately you can taste it.
He threw his hands in the air. “Well? Are you even listening to me?”
Gethin drew in a long steady breath, then let it out equally slowly. “Of course I am. And I’m touched that you think enough of me to try to dissuade me. But I’m not going into this blindly. I’ll be upending my entire life, my family, even my job to an extent.” Now he did move, sliding off the bed to come and stand in front of Sorley, his smile tender. “What part of ‘I love you’ didn’t you get? I’m not along for shits and giggles, as the kids say.” He grasped Sorley by the shoulders and squeezed. “You don’t really want me to walk away, do you?”
“Yes! No. Fuck’s sake, I don’t know! How can you want this, Gethin? How can youchoosethis?”
“You mean because you didn’t?”
“No.” He shook his head violently. “I did choose, because to say I didn’t suspect something was seriously fucked-up about Dalziel appearing out of nowhere looking like the embodiment of some of my most private fantasies, and offering me the chance to live by his side for eternity, well, it would be a lie. I knew it was weird. I was educated, don’t forget, even though it was three hundred years ago. I might have been dying in fucking agony but I wasn’t some totally wet behind the ears child. I’d seen men die. I didn’t want to be like them, not then, not that way. I thought…I thought perhaps he was a sorcerer. I had minutes, maybe seconds to decide, but I did make the decision.” He scoffed bitterly. “Or maybe my prick decided for me.”
Suddenly overcome by the realisation that maybe lust had been the main reason he’d been so quick to agree to Dalziel’s offer, he pulled out of Gethin’s hesitant embrace and slumped on the edge of the bed, his head in his hands. “Have I really been letting my cock make all my choices for me for three centuries? I’m so pathetic.”
The sight of Gethin coming to kneel in front of him should have raised a smile, but he could only sigh. “What now?”
“Would it be so bad if you have been led around by your dick? It’s not all you’ve done. I know you watched over your family after your…” Gethin stuttered, “…rebirth, or whatever you call it. Knowing you, you’ve had dozens of adventures I can only guess at. You’ve made enduring friendships with people like Alec, Baxter, Melody. You’ve danced and drunk and partied with all manner of folk. You speak more than one language, you’ve learned incredible skills like pole dancing. Didn’t you deserve to have some fun?”
Sorley didn’t answer. He didn’t know how he felt about Gethin’s question. Didn’t have a clue. He was drowning in the scent and feel of the man being so close. Shower gel and soap didn’t begin to disguise the warm, earthy aroma he’d come to associate with safety and comfort, with desire and laughter, with sarcasm and a practically permanent hard-on. Of the man who had somehow become his personal magnetic north. His only destination. His home.
“There are days I yearn for the oblivion only a bottle of brandy can bring,” he said plaintively. “God knows, I’d even sell my soul for the calming effects of a mug of coffee.” He snorted. “That’s assuming I have a soul, which is unlikely. Don’t you think?” he addressed Gethin with no small hint of bitterness.
“I don’t see why you’d think you don’t have a soul.” Gethin shuffled until he was wedged between Sorley’s thighs, then changed his mind and stood up. He crawled behind Sorley on the bed to pull him against his broad chest, Sorley’s back to his front. Then Gethin’s brawny arms with their prominent veins and soft dark hair encircled him like a promise. “If, for argument’s sake, all the creatures on Earth were created by one true god, God with a capital G, as I presume you were brought up to believe.” He waited until Sorley nodded. “Then it stands to reason vampires are part of His plan. Because I know the jury’s out over animals having souls, which frankly is bullshit as anyone who’s ever had a dog can testify, but yeah, you’re not an animal. You’re a human. Or you were.” He chuckled, his breath hot against Sorley’s ear. “Wolves don’t buy into the monotheistic sky daddy deal, but if we did, we’d surely be far more likely to be soulless than vamps, and I think we’re okay.”
“Did you just diss the religions of millions of people across the planet?” Sorley felt the beginnings of a giggle, like a tiny bubble trapped in his chest. He didn’t exactlybelieve,or rather, he couldn’t define anything more than a vague hope of something more,but he had always felt he needed some kind of rock to anchor himself to, or he’d be liable to float away. It helped that Dalziel believed. The bubble burst: he really was lamentable if he’d had three hundred years to work things out and still couldn’t make his own decisions. Surely he should know if he believed in God or not? How hard could it be?
He turned around, as quickly as he could, pushing away the arms that held him so safely, rearranging them across his shoulders and back as he burrowed his face into the fragrant warmth of Gethin’s fuzzy neck. “Gethin?”
“Yes?” Strong fingers clung to his hip.
“I keep people at arm’s length or push them away because I’m frightened.” His voice caught on a dry, scorching sob. “I’m frightened I’m too much effort. I’m too brash, too opinionated, too sexual. Too uncompromising. Too much hard work.” A pause. “I swear a lot.” He burrowed deeper, secure in the knowledge that Gethin could hear him, muffled as he was. “I don’t want to be me, but I don’t know how to change.” Another choking sob that tore at his throat. “I do love you. I’m just so scared you’ll get fed up of me like the others. That all immortality would do is give you eternity to hate me.” He whimpered. “I couldn’t bear it if you hated me.”
It took him several moments to realise that the choppy breathing sounds and harsh inhales were becauseGethinwas crying. Sorley angled his head to look up, then swiped his thumb across the damp skin under Gethin’s left eye, anxiety clawing at his heart. “What’s wrong?”
