“What do you feel like you would be agreeing to if theyasked you to be a bondmate? What does it look like when you envision a future with them?”
“A lifetime of being in relationships I didn’t get to choose. Giving up control over my own life. Waking up scared they’ll one day change, the way my dads always did. Half the time they treated my mom like a needy problem they were cursed to deal with, and the rest they treated her like a queen, all depending on what they wanted from her. Am I going to get that same treatment from my own pack? Will they be kind and loving and generous until I disappoint them, until they realize I can’t be controlled? Harper, they think I’m so fucking perfect, but I’m not. I’m incapable of loving them. Yes, I like them. Yes, I love fucking them. I like who they are, but I don’t think I know how to love them the way they deserve to be.”
“You love me, don’t you?”
I roll my eyes, knowing what she’s going to say. “Obviously, forever and always.”
“Doesn’t that mean youarecapable of love?”
“But you’re not an alpha. You would never break my heart, and society doesn’t give omegas the power to hold another’s life at their fingertips the way it does with alphas.”
“And you think they would hurt you like that?”
“Not on purpose, no, but I think that it’s going to take a lot more time to be able to answer that question. They all fell for a version of me I tailored to them so they would keeppayingme, and I’ve barely been able to be myself here. They’ve only ever seen the best sides of me. Fuck, Harper. They don’t even know my real name yet! All they know is that one of the names they call me is correct, and I don’t know if they figured out it’s the one Alric was told.”
“Come home, get some space from them, figure out what you want. Find a therapist who specializesin omega childhood trauma. You don’t need to make such a huge life decision under duress. Why don’t they know your name yet?”
It’s hard to explain, but I’ll try. “They have too much of me right now. If I choose to walk away forever, I can say they never even knew my name. It just feels less real, I guess.”
She looks thoughtful. “I can understand that.”
There’s a loud buzz inside of her apartment. “Sorry, hon, I have a delivery downstairs, I have to go, but call me later!”
She blows me a kiss and hangs up, leaving me with plenty to think of, but for now, a tug deep within me is missing my stoic alpha.
Alric has been gone since this morning when I woke up in his arms, but I think I know where he is.
The rain is light and I don’t mind getting a little damp. I leave his room and walk towards the back door, shutting it behind me. I’ve always loved the rain, cloudy skies, and the greenery for miles that it brings. My big city life is enjoyable for now. I love the convenience of everything I need being within a couple blocks, but I always saw myself somewhere far from there. Near forests and waterfalls, where tiny red mushrooms grow along trails and moss clings to ancient trees. I only stayed in the city so long because that’s where most of my clients are—not a lot of need for a sugar baby in quaint small towns next to icy oceans.
I feel so turned around, as if I’m drowning in emotions.
The future I had for myself is becoming fuzzy after this week. It has always been so clear, but now the things I want and need shift inside of me. I don’t want to need any alphas, but these three men are winding themselves into my soul.
The thought of never seeing them again presses an ache into my chest, but it feels like a complete betrayal of myself.
I was never supposed to needanyone,want anyone.
When I was young, I promised myself I’d never rely on anyalpha, and here I am missing them, even though they’re so close. How much of this tangled emotion is the scent match’s influence, though? What is a genuine connection versus the fact my body’s chemistry aligns perfectly with theirs?
They’re offering me the life most omegas dream of—hell, that most people dream of. Rich, hot partners, ready to dedicate themselves to me forever.
I must be truly broken if all I want to do is reject it.
Harper is right, though, I don’t need to make decisions today. They aren’t asking me to marry or bond with them right this second. They’re only asking for a chance to find out what this whole scent match thing really means.
Scent matches are a very serious biological phenomenon. It overrides everything in our society. If you’re married and you find your match, you’re granted an instant divorce if you want it.
I need to decide if I want everything it entails.
There are spring flowers all around the island and I pick my favorites. Delicate daisies, wild lavender, vibrant red poppies, and a variety of others. I place them in my salt water-damaged bag. I’m going to need quite a few of them for what I’m planning. It takes me about an hour to collect enough.
I return to the villa’s outdoor dining area, and lay out all the flowers, the stems longest to shortest and then by color. I quickly take three flowers at a time, threading the stems together, adding another flower and forming a circle to make a small wreath. It’s the same principle as a flower crown, just on a larger scale. One of the things I learned at Forest Scouts summer camp—well, that and how to sell a lot of cookies.
When I was a kid, I loved going to camp, even though the beds were uncomfortable and I ended the summer covered in mosquito bites, because at least I got to be away from home. A break from seeing my mother beg for herpack’s attention, a respite from being ignored or criticized at home.
It takes some time, but my fingers are nimble and repetitive motion makes for easy work.
When I’m finally done, confident it’s secure enough to be able to be moved, I gently pick it up and head straight to the small cemetery.
