“That doesn’t mean you should have gone to prison for her,” Tony said.
“Maybe not,” I admitted. “But I couldn’t just stand by and do nothing. Not again.”
Tony stared at me for a long moment, and I saw the conflict in his eyes, the understanding warring with the anger.
“I get it,” he said finally. “I understand why you did it. Butthat doesn’t make it right, Simon. You can’t sacrifice yourself every time someone you love makes a mistake. You can’t control the outcome by throwing yourself on the sword.”
“I wasn’t trying to control anything,” I said, but even as the words left my mouth, I knew they weren’t entirely true.
“Yes, you were,” Tony said quietly. “You were trying to control the narrative. You were trying to make sure Sadie didn’t suffer the consequences of her actions. And in doing so, you took away her choice. You took away mine. You decided for all of us what the outcome would be.”
I looked away, unable to meet his eyes.
“And you know what the worst part is?” Tony continued. “You were willing to sacrifice everything, including a life with me, without even asking if that’s what I wanted.”
The words hit me like a punch to the gut. “I wasn’t sacrificing a life with you.”
Tony’s expression hardened. “What?”
“I wasn’t sacrificing a life with you,” I repeated, my voice gaining strength. “Because we don’t have a life together, Tony. We have a secret. We have stolen moments in dark corners of a sex club. We have six years of hiding and pretending and lying to everyone around us.”
Tony’s jaw clenched. “Simon—”
“No,” I cut him off. “You want to talk about sacrifice? Let’s talk about what I’ve been sacrificing for six years, Tony. Let’s talk about how I’ve been your dirty little secret, yourmo leannán rúnda.How I’ve had to pretend I barely know you in public, how I’ve had to watch you walk away from me over and over again because you’re too much of a fucking coward to claim me.”
“That’s not fair,” Tony said, his voice low and dangerous.
“Isn’t it?” I demanded. “You want to lecture me about making decisions without consulting you? What about you? You decided to keep us a secret. You decided I wasn’t worth the risk. You decided that your reputation, your image, your fucking closet was more important than me.”
“It’s not that simple,” Tony said, his voice strained.
“Then explain it to me,” I shot back, throwing my arms out wide. “Explain to me why I’m not worth coming out for. Explain to me why you can fuck me in secret, but you can’t acknowledge me in public. Explain to me why I have to keep pretending I’m nothing to you.”
Tony’s hands clenched into fists at his sides. “You don’t understand.”
“Then make me understand!” I shouted. “Because from where I’m standing, it looks like you’re ashamed of me. Like you’re ashamed of what we have together. It looks like you’re ashamed of what you are.”
“I’m not ashamed of you,” Tony said, his voice rough. “I’m fucking terrified.”
The admission hung in the air between us, raw and vulnerable.
“Terrified of what?” I asked, my voice softer now.
Tony turned away from me, his shoulders tense. “You grew up in a different time than I did, Simon. You came of age when being gay was... if not accepted, at least tolerated. You had the internet. You had representation. You had a world that was slowly changing.”
He turned back to face me, and I saw the pain in his eyes. “I didn’t have that. I grew up in a time when being gay could get you killed. When holding another man’s hand in public meant you might not make it home that night.”
I opened my mouth to respond, but Tony kept going.
“Do you know what they called us?” he asked, his voice hard. “Faggots. Queers. Cocksuckers. And those weren’t just words, Simon. They were threats. They were promises of violence. They were the last things some men heard before they were beaten to death in alleyways.”
I felt my throat tighten.
“I watched men disappear,” Tony continued. “I watched them get fired from their jobs, kicked out of their homes, disowned by their families. I watched them get arrested for thecrime of existing. I watched them die, Simon. From violence, from AIDS, from suicide, all because the world told them over and over again that they were sick, that they were wrong, that they were abominations.”
His voice cracked. “So I learned to hide. I learned to bury that part of myself so deep that no one would ever suspect. Because if they did, I’d lose everything. I’d lose my family, my career, my life. I’d become one of those men who disappeared.”
“Tony,” I said softly, but he shook his head.
