Now it was Raye flinching, too, and shaking her head. Did Kalfr really believe that? That all of this was… a farce? Something fake, something contrived? Perhaps even another plot against him, but this time fromthem?
“You are too late, Gael,” Kalfr growled, his voice deepening. “Youleftme. You have no more right to me, nor to my trust, nor my fate!”
Gaelfr flinched again, his breath catching — but before he could speak, Kalfr spun around, away. And with fast, jerky steps,he stalked into his own room, and shoved the door shut behind him.
Raye stared at the closed door for a frozen instant, and then instinctively wrenched forward, spreading her hand against the solid wood. No.No. Kalfr couldn’t keep thinking that. He couldn’t truly believe such things. And now Gaelfr would barge in, and address this. He would fix it.
But when Raye shot a searching, expectant glance back toward Gaelfr, he hadn’t moved. Instead, he was gazing at the closed door, his shoulders slumped, while more pain flared in his eyes. Pain, and regret, and… fear.
Raye blinked at him, while all those furious words of Kalfr’s swirled through her thoughts.You left me. When I needed you, you were gone. Not one word of apology. You have no more right. You are too late.
And the longer Raye stared at Gaelfr, the more she could taste that ever-rising fear, bitter and pungent in the back of her throat. Gaelfr was afraid of losing Kalfr. Afraid of losing control. Afraid of being weak, wrong, unworthy. Afraid of failing.
It was so familiar it ached, and the sight of it made it even worse. Big, brutal, belligerent Gaelfr, rendered silent and defeated, his grand Orc Mountain plans — whatever they had been — already crushed beneath Kalfr’s feet. And he still wasn’t trying to move, trying to fight it, his shoulders sagging lower, his head slowly bowing, his eyes squeezing shut.
Suddenly Raye couldn’t bear it, couldn’t stand it for another breath. And without at all meaning to, she swept toward Gaelfr, squeezed her arm around his waist, and shoved him forward. Toward Kalfr’s door.
“You’re a fierce, brave Bautul warrior, Gael,” she breathed, quiet. “Youwilladdress this, like you vowed to do. Like you promised me you would do. You’ll tend to yourástvinur, and grant him help, and healing, andpeace.”
Gaelfr’s glance toward her was blank, inscrutable, but Raye hadn’t missed that telltale streak of wetness beneath his eye. And it was enough that she set her jaw, tugged him closer to the door, and firmly rapped against it.
There was no answer, but perhaps Raye hadn’t expected one, and after another bracing breath, she pushed the door open. Barging in, apparently in typical Bautul fashion, whether anyone else wanted it or not.
Inside, the room was dark and quiet, but Raye’s eyes instantly caught on the sight of Kalfr, sitting hunched on the bed. His knees were drawn to his chest, his tall body looking strangely small, and Raye swallowed, and again shoved Gaelfr forward. Closer, and closer, until she could pluck the lamp from his slack hand, and set it down on the small table beside the bed. And then she gave him one last push, until he was standing beside the bed, blinking down at Kalfr’s curled-up body upon it.
But Gaelfr still didn’t speak, didn’t move — and after another instant’s studying him, Raye settled her hand to his stiff back, and began stroking her hand up and down. Pressing him as much silent comfort and encouragement as she could muster, just like he’d so often done to her, these past few days.
And yes, his big shoulders rose and fell, and his hand reached out toward Kalfr’s bowed head, before dropping again. So Raye kept touching, kept stroking, until Gaelfr took a dragging breath, and braced himself against her touch.
“You were right to say all this of me,ástin mín,” he finally whispered, his voice a croak. “I am — sorry. I am so sorry, for how I have hurt you.”
Before them, Kalfr didn’t betray any acknowledgement of having heard him, but Raye kept stroking Gaelfr’s back, and he drew in another ragged breath. “I ought — never to have left you, as I did,” he continued, with obvious effort. “I ought never tohave stayed away from you for so long. I broke my vow to you, and I was…”
The pain spasmed across Gaelfr’s face, and Raye stroked harder, pressing deeper against his skin. “I was wrong,” he finished, with a heavy sigh. “I was stubborn, and angry, and — jealous.”
Jealous? Raye blinked at him, that word swooping oddly in her chest, and Gaelfr grimaced as he glanced toward her. “I was jealous,” he repeated, flatter. “And I was… fearful. Cowardly.Weak. I could not bear to watch you make a life with a woman — to make a home, ason— without me. So instead of facing this pain, and fighting for you, as a true Bautul would, I… ran. Ihid.”
His eyes closed as he spoke, the shame and misery deepening across his face, but Raye kept stroking, until he took another deep, painful-looking breath. “And all the summers I was gone,” he added, hoarse, “I did not lead nor train warriors, nor even fight a single battle, as I ought to have done. Instead, I…”
Raye’s heart stuttered, her breath locked in her throat, waiting as Gaelfr inhaled another slow, shaky breath. “I was — little better than a bondservant,” he rasped. “I ploughed furrows and fields. I dug ditches and tunnels. I worked in the deepest mines. I covered my face, and forswore my name and my vows and my kin. I left all I was, all I cared for, so I could hide amongst those who hated and feared me, and thus heapshameupon my own head.”
Oh. Oh, gods. The grief cracked in Raye’s chest, quivering in her breath, because — no. He couldn’t have. Gaelfr couldn’t have been suffering alone all these years, too. He couldn’t have given up what he clearly saw as his own purpose, his own calling, to hide himself away, to bow and scrape for people who hated and feared him. Because he’d been… jealous. Afraid.
Just like… just like Raye.
“And then I judged your own good work here,ástin mín,” Gaelfr said, his voice small and strained. “I mocked you for playing as a farmer, and digging in the dirt. When in truth,Iwas the one who did this, all these summers, andyou” — his back shuddered against Raye’s hand — “you helped our kin. You built these cleverbyrgis, and earned the title ofvorður. You faced great fear, and put yourself at great risk, in the path of great harm, as a true Bautul does. Whilst I… Ifailed.”
His voice broke, and he bowed his head. And then, oh gods, his shoulders quaked, and a deep, guttural sob escaped his throat. He was weeping, Gaelfr wasweeping, and Raye could only stare at him, stunned and unblinking, while misery jolted through her chest. He’d failed. He’dfailed. A refrain so familiar, so viciously painful, she could have choked on it.
And gods, no wonder Gaelfr had been so adamant about all this. So determined to prove himself, to address everything. To take charge. To find his own power in this. But he’d lost that power, just like she had, and now —
Now, it was Kalfr, in charge. Kalfr, raising his head, his eyes glimmering strange in the lamplight. And with a harsh exhale, he reached and grasped Gaelfr’s wrist, and tugged him down toward the bed.
Gaelfr instantly went, letting out a low groan, and sinking heavily to his knees beside Kalfr. Leaving Raye standing there alone, untouched and strangely bereft — until Kalfr’s eyes slanted toward her, and his warm hand lightly clasped her wrist, too. Drawing her forward, and then guiding them all down to lie on the bed together, Gaelfr on his back in the middle, his rigid chest heaving, his eyes squeezed shut.
The sight clenched painfully in Raye’s chest, wrenched her taut and rigid, too — but there was Kalfr’s hand. Kalfr’s hand finding hers, and gently settling it against Gaelfr’s hard chest. An order, perhaps, and when Raye’s wide eyes snapped to Kalfr’s,the command was there too, glinting with cool, challenging purpose. A test. A trial, just like Gaelfr had said.
The vision of the altar surged behind Raye’s eyes —do not look at me, nor speak to me— but right now, Kalfrwaslooking at her. Looking at her, holding her eyes with yet more of that silent command, even as he too slipped his hand down Gaelfr’s front, and back up again.
