But his glance toward her was flinty, his jaw set, and then he raised his brows back toward Kalfr in a defiant challenge. And Kalfr didn’t back down, though his shoulders sagged, his mouth twisting. “Ach, well,” he replied. “Then I made Raye your enemy. I pushed her away from us, also. And even once you brought her back to us” — his eyes slid toward Raye, glimmering with regret — “I tested her, also. I wished her to prove herself to me. And I…”
His voice faded, his throat convulsing, and Raye could see the effort in his breath, the way it shuddered through him. “And I did not tell you, Raye,” he continued thickly, “the truth of my own past, nor the dangers our sons faced, within our clan. I would have done all within my power to guard Svein, and keep him safe from harm — but my own father would have once sworn this, also. And I…”
He heaved for breath again, the pain in his eyes flaring brighter. “I ken you were right in this, also,” he croaked. “This was part of why I did not fight for you and Svein, nor come back to you, as I should have. It is truth that I feared causing more war, and feared you taking Svein across the sea — but I also did not trust my own clan with my son. Not even once the war wasended. I thought — I hoped — Svein was safer, with you. Without the Bautul. Withoutme.”
Without me. Raye’s stomach plummeted, because maybe that was the last missing thread, wasn’t it? Kalfr hadn’t trusted himself, either. He hadn’t trusted that he could keep Svein safe. He’d thought Svein would be safer, better off, without him.
“And mayhap,” Kalfr continued, almost a whisper now, “this is yet truth. Mayhap you would all be better, safer, without me. Look at what I have brought upon us even this day, ach? I have failed you. All of you. And mayhap I always will.”
He’d failed. Failed. And maybe he always would.
It struck even deeper than all the rest, into the same fear and grief bound into all Raye’s darkness, too. And looking at Kalfr now, at the sorrow in his eyes, the weight on his shoulders, there was only more understanding, heavy and heartsick. Kalfr pushing them all away hadn’t just been a test, had it? No. He’d also been trying to help them. To save them, from himself.
Raye’s breaths were coming fast and ragged, and she fought to rip through the tangles, to find the truth in all this mess. “But — I failed too, Kalfr,” she choked. “I barred you from Svein’s life. I did my best to keep you away from him. I made that threat to take him across the sea. And even after I did all that, when you should have hated me, you still kept coming. You still helped us. You still let Svein know you cared. You were still a good father to him. You stillare.”
She shot a glance toward Svein, who was now loudly shrieking as he and Mr. Snoofles chased Iyolf around a tree. “And even when you were parted from Svein,” she continued, “you kept trying to make your clan better. You did everything you could for your clan’s sons, trying to help them and guard them. You tried to build a band, a clan, ahome, where Svein could besafe.”
Kalfr blinked at her, his eyes bright, while Gaelfr released his hand in favour of caressing his back, and caressing Raye’s, too. Offering them both his support, his encouragement, as he’d so often done, all this time.
“You wanted to prove yourself to us, too,” Raye said to Kalfr, her voice breaking. “You wanted to pay your penance, and atone. And you…”
She dragged in a breath, searched his bright eyes. “You were planning to come back for us,” she whispered. “Once you were sure Svein would be safe with your clan. Right? You worked to reform the Bautul, to build thebyrgi, to make it safe. To build a band you trusted to guard your son, even if you failed.”
Kalfr didn’t reply, but he didn’t need to, because it was all there, glimmering in his too-bright eyes. Yes, he’d been planning that. Fengr had been right. Thisbyrgihadn’t just been for Kalfr’s clan, for his band. It had been for Svein. For her.
“But,” Kalfr began, shaking his head, and he was about to bring up Sybil hunting him, and the ways all his plans had been ruined. The way he’d almost fallen to his grief and his loss. His certainty that he’d failed, that he would never be enough, that the goddess had abandoned him.
But Raye put her fingers to his lips, and gave him a wavering smile. “You did it, Kalfr,” she whispered. “You proved it to us. You paid the price. Whatever atonement you felt you owed us — it’s finished.”
Kalfr was still shaking his head, but Raye kept smiling, feeling the goddess’ quiet certainty settling around her. “It was always finished,” she continued, “because you were always enough. You were always worthy of love, and care, and safety, no matter how many ways you failed. And maybe” — her smile trembled, her eyes blinking hard — “maybe we all can be. Maybe we can all learn to just be together, to accept each other.To accept all our failures, all our wrong choices, all the scars. Because every Bautul bears a few scars, right?”
It was something Kalfr had told her long ago, and she could see the recognition in his eyes as his hand slipped out of hers, and rose to her neck. Stroking over the bite-marks scarring her skin, and gently down over her new scar, too. The one — her eyes followed his touch — over her heart.
Raye’s hand closed over his, holding it there, feeling more of the goddess’ truth settling upon them. “And maybe our mistakes weren’t something to be forgotten, or erased,” she whispered. “Maybe they’re just — part of what brought us here. Part of what brought us together, and gave us such a perfect son, and made us a family.”
Her wet eyes slid toward Svein, still gleefully shouting as he raced around with Eyolf and Iyolf and Mr. Snoofles. And she could feel Kalfr watching too, could hear the swallow in his throat, while Gaelfr eased in closer behind him, inhaling deep against his neck.
“Ach, our wise mate speaks truth,ástin mín,” he murmured. “And we have already begun to learn all this, have we not? We have come together, and brought each other great pleasure and peace. We have defeated our enemy. We have made a safe home for our son. We have done much good work for our band and our kin. We have even found a new way to wield all these tests and demands of yours, so we all can enjoy them.”
He meant Kalfr’s new taste for command in bed, but more unease flickered across Kalfr’s eyes as he glanced toward Raye. “But you thought these tests were… a punishment,” he said, halting. “Did you not? As something you owed to me, rather than…”
But Raye put her fingers to his lips again, shook her head. “I still loved it,” she whispered. “I loved learning with you, playingwith you, finding such pleasure with you. And I especially loved having… permission, to do all that. Having that… power.”
Her voice dropped, beneath something like shame, but the relief and comprehension flashed across Kalfr’s eyes, and he caught her hand, and raised it to his mouth. “Ach,sæta,” he murmured, as his soft lips pressed against her fingers. “And you granted me this permission, and this power, also. You showed me a way to peace that I would never have found, without you.”
Raye’s smile was swift, and a little weepy, and she rapidly nodded. “You showed me that, too,” she replied. “So we’ll keep finding it together, won’t we? We’ll keep meeting each other, and enjoying each other, and learning from our mistakes. Because you’re still —”
Her voice cracked, her eyes stinging, as the emotion swerved and buckled in her chest. “You’re still the orc I wanted as my mate,” she whispered. “You’re still so generous, and clever, and kind. You’ve given me so much, and forgiven me for things that should have been unforgivable. You’re a wonderful father, and” — she shot a teary glance at Gaelfr — “you have a wonderfulástvinur, too. And I —”
I love you, she meant to say, but her throat was too blocked to get it out. And Kalfr had to know, she’d told him already, that very morning — but he hadn’t said it back, had he? And what if he didn’t, what if he couldn’t, what if he didn’t feel the same at all, and —
He swept forward, and dragged her into his arms. Cradling her so close and warm and safe, as his breath gasped against her hair. “Ach, sweetsæta,” he rasped. “I love you, also. You have always been the bravest, kindest, loveliest, most generous woman I have ever met, and I have never stopped grieving all the ways I have hurt you, and failed you. I have never, ever stopped missing you, all these years apart.”
The surprise and relief swept through Raye’s entire body, trembling her in Kalfr’s arms, and she could feel him trembling too, his lips pressing fervent against her hair. “And I ought never to have spoken to you as I did, your first day here,” he continued. “I ought never to have hurled such a test upon you, and made you believe you alone bore all this guilt and failure, and were bound to make amends to me. I spoke in anger, and cruelty, and in the pain of the bond, and despite this, you yet —”
His voice cracked, his claws spasming against her back, squeezing her closer. “You yet honoured this,” he choked. “Even if you no more wish us to weigh this, you — youdidthis,sæta. You kept your vow, in every way there was to do this. You offered me faith and patience and kindness. You helped me with my band and mybyrgi. You welcomed my touch and my pleasure, and you welcomed my belovedástvinur, also. You showed your fealty not only to me, and to Gael, but to all our band, and all our kin. I did not trust you at first, I did not think I could ever trust you or anyone else again, but —”
He drew back from her, and gently stroked his hands against her cheeks, wiping the wetness away, even as tears streaked down his own cheeks. “You showed me a way to trust, also,” he whispered. “And you keep showing me more, with every new day. Just as the wise, brave, beautiful daughter of the goddess you are.”
