“I know,” she made herself say. “I understand. But you should still — go.”
She didn’t miss their uneasy glance toward each other, the way they were silently speaking to each other, allying together against her. Just like they’d done throughout all the rest of this, too, trusting each other over her, despite everything they’d done to each other — and she couldn’t stand to see it again, couldn’t bear it for another instant, another breath.
“Just stop it, and go,” she rasped. “And stop worrying, I’m not going to do anything drastic while you’re gone, or anything that risks harming our son. I just — need some time. Like Gael said.”
She aimed another wan smile toward Gaelfr’s face, letting him think he was right, he was still helping her. And that was lying to him, too, and she could see him hesitating, his nostrils flaring —
“Please, just go,” she gasped. “Do what you swore to do, and trust me, like I’m trusting you. Go do your jobs, keep us safe, and give me some damnedpeace, for goddess’ sake!”
And yes, finally, that had done it, and Raye’s furious wave toward the door was the final finishing push. Both Kalfr and Gaelfr nodded, lurching to obey, Gaelfr swiping for some clothes on the way by. And though Gaelfr didn’t look back, Kalfr gave her one last, regretful look before following Gaelfr out the door, and shutting it quietly behind them.
They were gone.
61
After Kalfr and Gaelfr left, Raye sank down on her bed, and sobbed. Her face in her hands, her body heaving so hard it felt about to break.
She was pregnant again. Alone again. Left behind again, but now with all these new truths, all that bitter suffocating darkness, clogging her throat, pouring from her eyes. Kalfr and Gaelfr had both lied to her. Gaelfr wasn’t really her mate. Gaelfr had bullied Kalfr into being hisástvinur, when Kalfr perhaps hadn’t even wanted it. Gaelfr had been trying to earn Kalfr’s forgiveness, and his love, all this time.
And worst of all, Svein hadn’t been safe with Kalfr. Kalfr had known that, all this time, but he’d still let her believe she’d failed. Failed.
Raye rubbed both hands at her leaking eyes, while that cruel, devastating word kept thudding through her skull. Failed. Failed. She should never have trusted them, she should hate them, bar them from her life forever…
But that thought caught, skidded, twisted upside-down, and she squeezed her wet eyes shut, and dropped her shaky hand to her waist. No. She couldn’t bar them from her life. Not again.She couldn’t do that to Svein, and not to this secret new promise, growing deep inside her. A new life. A new son.
We all need to finally face the truth, echoed her own traitorous voice, as her fingers spread wider against her waist, clutching against the still-unfamiliar softness — and that was another hitch, another truth she couldn’t deny. For all Gaelfr’s faults, for all the ways he’d lied to her, and pushed her to serve his own penance — he’d still fed her. He’d still helped her. He’d helped Svein. He’d given them food, clothing, shelter, training, safety. He’d given Raye not one loom, but two, and everything she needed to continue her profession, her calling, her family’s great gift.
I would never have left you, he’d said.I only ever sought to do all within my power to guard you, and help you, and heal you. To guide you back to who you ought to be. Who you are.
It ached in Raye’s chest, and now there were the visions of Kalfr, too. Because Kalfr had also helped her, and given her a calling, hadn’t he? He’d raised her up beside him as his watcher. He’d welcomed her help with thebyrgiand the band, even as he’d still offered her time and space for her weaving. And amidst it all, he’d given her so much pleasure, too. Claiming her as his own in his home, before his band, upon all those altars. Glowing with her beneath the moonlight, becoming one with her, embodying the goddess’ blessing.
And all that, when he himself had suffered, too. When his own father had failed him, and left him to bear such unspeakable cruelties from his own clan. When he’d fathered his own son, and had then been instantly barred from his son’s life. When he’d missed his son’s birth, his first steps, his first laugh, his first words. His entire damned life.
The tears were streaking down Raye’s cheeks again, her nose sniffling. Because yes, she’d been right about the danger to Svein. The risks from Kalfr’s clan. But… had she been right tokeep Svein from Kalfr? To not grant Kalfr one single visit, and to threaten to take Svein across the sea, forever? To refuse to meet with Kalfr, even after the war had ended, to discuss how they could work together to best raise their son, and keep him healthy and safe?
The visions of Kalfr’s unopened letters swarmed unbidden behind Raye’s eyes, and she let out a thick, ragged groan, burying her face in her hands. No. She’d still been wrong, too. She’d still made those choices out of anger, and jealousy, and fear. She’d hurt both Kalfr and Svein, and she’d hurt herself, too.
And what had Kalfr done then? Had he taken revenge, either against her, or his clan, or the men his clan had warred against? No. Instead, he’d focused on preventing more war. He’d focused on helping his clan’s sons, in any way he could. He’d fought to build a new future for the Bautul. To make a world where his son could be safe. Wherehecould be safe.
A cold shiver swept up Raye’s spine, because then, as part of that — Kalfr had ended up on that damned mission against Sybil. And just like with his clan, he’d been forced into a connection with someone he hadn’t wanted. Someone who’d then used him, and hurt him, and made him revisit that pain all over again. And now…
Raye straightened on the bed, while more miserable comprehension flashed through her thoughts. Because now, with this trip to Sybil today, Kalfr was rising up, and facing that pain. Fighting his past. And he’d even told them that, hadn’t he?I see choosing to parley not as a defeat, or a loss,but as strength. As what a brave, wise Bautul would do.
He was finding his power, and wielding it where it mattered. Not over Gaelfr, not over Raye — but on their behalf. On his sons’ behalf.
The water kept streaking from Raye’s eyes, and she buried her face back in her hands. Here she’d been, nursing her jealousyof Sybil, doubting Kalfr’s plans and his motivations, when he really had been trying to rise beyond all this, do his best for his family, his kin, and for himself. Maybe even trying to trust them, and show himself worthy of their trust in return.
I wish for your support, and your strength, he’d told them.Your trust.
Raye groaned, shaking her head against her hands, because goddess, it was such a mess. It was such an exhausting, confusing fucking mess, and where did they go from here? Where did she go from here? Was there even a path out of this, after all the ways they’d hurt each other, lied to each other, mistrusted each other? After the way she’d just sent them off on a deadly, crucial mission, without even a goodbye? Lying to their faces, making it all even worse, saying,Trust me, like I’m trusting you…
Trust me, like I’m trusting you.
Raye gulped down another breath, and wiped at her eyes.Trust me. Trust me…
And with it, there rose a strange, quiet new clarity, a tinge of light winking to life in the darkness.Trust me.
Maybe… maybe she couldn’t trust Kalfr or Gaelfr. Maybe she couldn’t trust the Bautul. Maybe she couldn’t trust anyone else, ever again.
