“But — Gaelfrisstill my mate, right?” she whispered, into the silence. “Because you’re my mate, Kalfr, and Gael is yourástvinur, so therefore he’s my mate, too. That’s how it works, with the Bautul. And that’s — that’s what got us all into this mess in the first place.”
But Kalfr’s breath escaped in a cold, angry laugh, even as his mouth bitterly twisted. “No,” he snapped back, “this isnothow it works. To fully gain you as his mate, Gael must yet swear the vows, and take you upon an altar, and call down the goddess’ blessing upon you and your union. Without this” — he jerked a dismissive shrug — “he is yet your close kin-brother, and a second father to our sons. But he isnotyourmate.”
Not her mate. Oh.Oh. Raye’s chest seized, her eyes closing, while her thoughts swarmed with more stark, painful misery. Because — no. Gaelfr had never spoken any vows like that. And even if he had taken her upon multiple altars, now, it had always been about her and Kalfr, and Gaelfr himself had never called down the goddess’ blessing upon her, had he?
But — but why? Had he not wanted to? Had he still hated Raye that much, all this time? And surely that was why he hadn’t wanted to father a son with her, either.I should never have dreamt he could find worse than you…
Raye couldn’t bear to look up, now, folding both arms slowly around her bare chest, her head bowing low. Goddess, what had she been thinking, with any of this? Had she truly ever thought she could make amends, and prove this? Had she believed that they would ever forgive her, let alone care about her, or trust her?Loveher?
And worst of all, how could she have ever imagined that bringing another innocent child into this mess might heal them? And that their goddess might ever deign to visit her in a dream, and give her that child, and bless her?
No. It had all been a foolish, selfish delusion. She’d been stubborn, and greedy, and jealous. She would never be good enough, no matter what she said or did. She would never be able to atone for her sins. She’d failed. Failed.
Her throat was quavering, her lip trembling, and she was going to break down weeping, while Kalfr and Gaelfr watched — so she shoved sideways, away. Swaying on her feet as she swiped unseeing for something from the nearby shelf — a dress — and wrenched it around her shivering shoulders before reeling toward the door. She’d failed. Kalfr was furious with her, maybe still leaving her, punishing her, sacrificing himself for this. And Gaelfr had lied to her, all this time. Gaelfr had never been her mate. Gaelfr had never cared about her at all.
“Raye,” came one of their voices, and Raye couldn’t tell which, through the ringing in her ears. “What are you doing?”
It took all Raye’s strength to swallow down the sob in her throat, to find her voice. To say what she should have said, long, long ago…
“I’m giving up,” she whispered. “For all our sakes. For good.”
58
Raye was giving up.
And even as the thought crunched and churned in her gut, suddenly it felt like the only option left. She’d worked so hard, fought so hard, desperately tried to do everything right — and it still hadn’t worked. Nothing had worked. Nothing had ever atoned for her sins, or earned their love.I should never have dreamt he could find worse than you.
But now — how would she survive this, without them? What would she do next? She should have been more careful, she should never have allowed them to bring her loom and her livelihood here. She should have been thinking about Svein, only about Svein, she should have never trusted them, never…
She fumbled for the door latch, fought to yank it open — but it didn’t open. Didn’t budge. And when Raye blinked at it through her swimming eyes, she found — an arm. Gaelfr’s thick, rigid bare arm, holding the door shut, blocking her path.
Raye twitched, and followed the arm up to Gaelfr’s shoulder, his face. And though he still looked haggard and pale, there was now a familiar tightness on his jaw, a stubborn glint in his eyes.
“No,” he ground out. “Please, woman. I —”
His throat convulsed, and his eyes darted sideways. Holding, glimmering, as if silently pleading, with — oh. Kalfr. Who had come over to lean against the door too, his mouth set, his eyes unreadable.
“Speak this, Gael,” he said, though his voice was softer than before. “The truth.”
Gaelfr’s chest expanded and hollowed, his big body quaking. As if he was about to face a pitched battle, as if he had to fight for every word, every breath.
“I — I wished to be your mate, woman,” he finally gritted out. “I have always wished for this. From my first breath of your scent upon myástvinur.”
What? Raye stared at Gaelfr, unblinking, while his mouth contorted, and he hauled in another ragged breath. “Do you not — do you not recall?” he croaked. “The reason Kalfr and I first fought that night, at your home? How I… I wished for this?”
Oh. Yes. It was forever burned into Raye’s memory, and it rose far too easily, unfurling behind her eyes. How Kalfr and Gaelfr had argued in the moonlight, and Gaelfr had claimed that Kalfr was his, and therefore Raye would be, too. And then — what had Kalfr said?
If she does not wish you to be part of this with us, then you shall not be.
Raye blinked, while those words repeated again, and again.You shall not be. You shall not be.
And when Gaelfr had kept arguing it that night, kept pressing his claim on Kalfr… Raye had just assumed he’d been right. It had never occurred to her that maybe — maybeKalfrhad been right, all along.
And that meant — Gaelfr really hadn’t been her mate, all this time. He hadn’t. He’d lied to her, too.
The misery felt like a blade, stabbing straight into Raye’s belly, but she couldn’t look away from Gaelfr’s drawn, ashenface. Waiting, her heart skipping, as he took another shaky, broken breath.
“But I knew you did not wish for me, woman,” he rasped. “You never wished for me. But when I came to you, and found you so weak, and in such danger, I feared for you. Feared you would push me away, when you needed help most. So I —”
