So once Kalfr and Gaelfr guided her to their dark bedroom, and drew her into the bed between them, she turned toward Kalfr, and spread her hand against his bare chest. She’d given him the power he’d wanted, offered him all he’d sought, and now she wanted to draw up her own power again, too. Wanted to keep meeting him, trusting him.
“So if you really did want that, between me and Gael, from the start,” she murmured, into the silent darkness, “then why didn’t you just say so? Back when we first met?”
Kalfr’s body instantly tightened beneath Raye’s hand, his heartbeat thumping faster, but she kept drawing down thatcourage, that trust. “Was it really just my response, whenever you talked about Gael?” she continued. “My — my jealousy, and my fear?”
Kalfr’s breath drew in and out, and Raye was distinctly aware of the sudden stillness of Gaelfr’s body on her other side. Waiting, listening.
“Because I… Iwasjealous,” Raye made herself say, over the tightness in her throat. “I was greedy, and stubborn, and afraid. And I was wrong to react the way I did, and keep Svein apart from you, for all that time. Iwas. But back before all that” — she swallowed, hauled in a breath — “I also trusted you, Kalfr. I wanted to believe the best of you, and make a family with you. And if you’d just properly explained, if you’d even just brought Gael to visit, I —”
Her voice choked, but she drew down another breath, and spoke a silent, pleading prayer for courage, for truth. “I would have tried to understand,” she said thickly. “I like to think I would have at least met him, and listened. And if I’d had a chance to get to know him, to learn how generous and devoted he is, to see how much you loved him — I think I would have loved him, too.”
It came out shaky, quiet, and her eyes squeezed shut, because that was all true, wasn’t it? She could have loved Gaelfr, so easily. Gods, even after all this, all the doubts and tests and conditions Gaelfr had hurled upon her, she still — she still —
Behind her, Gaelfr’s body hadn’t yet moved, not even his breath, but Kalfr’s breaths were now heaving hard against her hand. And would he reply, would he try to trust her too, or maybe he would leap up, walk away…
“I… I know,” Kalfr finally replied, quiet in the dark. “I ought to have done this. From the start.”
Raye blinked, her hand stuttering against his chest. But she otherwise held herself still, waiting, while her own heartbeat skipped faster, her ears straining for his voice.
“Before I ever touched you,” Kalfr continued, with a sigh, “I ought to have told you of my bond with Gaelfr, and my fealty toward him. I ought to have made it clear to you that he would always be bound to me — and through me, he would always be bound to our sons, and thus toyou.”
Raye’s thoughts skipped, while behind her, Gaelfr let out a harsh breath, and curled his arm tightly around her waist. Wanting to hear this, too.
“And you, Gael,” Kalfr said, on another heavy exhale. “I ought never to have gone to see Raye, without you — not the first time, nor any time after that. I ought to have given you a chance to meet each other, and learn each other, without my secrets and falsehoods tainting this between us.”
Raye’s heart raced faster, jolting erratically in her chest, because — was Kalfr really saying this? Did he really mean this? Was he trying to be honest with them, to trust them? Or was it still some kind of plot, some way to keep binding her and Gaelfr together?
She desperately wished she could see Kalfr’s face in the dark, but all she had was his rapid heartbeat beneath her fingers, the dragging inhale of his breath. “I was foolish, and greedy, and selfish,” he continued, quiet and hollow. “But most of all, I was… afraid.”
Afraid. That word struck too powerful through Raye’s thoughts, but she kept waiting, feeling that rapid thud of Kalfr’s heartbeat. “I was so afraid of losing you both,” Kalfr whispered. “Until then, Gael, you were always the only peace and pleasure I had ever known. You saved me, when I needed this most, and you kept me safe, all those summers. And I neveroncedreamt of seeking a woman without you, until…”
His voice hitched, and Raye’s fingers spasmed against his chest as her thoughts skipped and twisted. What did Kalfr mean, Gaelfr hadsavedhim, and kept him safe? Did he mean the battles they’d fought together? Or did this have something to do with what he’d told her about Gaelfr?If not for him, I should have been killed a dozen times over. Or aught worse…
“But then I metyou, Raye,” Kalfr continued, hoarse. “And from the first day we met, you were as a dream from the goddess. With your warmth, your kindness, your fealty, your beauty, your hunger. Even this safe, snug home you had made, this lush garden you grew, these wondrous meals you cooked, this stunning art you spun to life upon your loom. It was as though I had been whirled away from all the war and grief and death, and dropped into a realm of warmth and pleasure and magic. Into —home.”
Oh. Raye could so easily see it, could draw up her memories of her early days with Kalfr, and the awe and wonder and peace she’d seen in his eyes. How deeply he’d craved not only her, but perhaps everything she’d represented, too. And — her thoughts flipped — was this part of why Kalfr had built his ownbyrgi? Had he wanted to make his own home, too? With the garden, the meals, the safety? Even her own tapestry, hanging there in the loft?
“I could not bear to lose you,” Kalfr’s brittle voice continued. “Either of you. And thus, I fell to my fear of this. I feared I could not trust you to hear the truth of each other. I feared you might spurn me, or forever turn against me. In my darkest nights, I even feared” — his voice dropped — “that once you met each other, and saw the beauty and the power you each bore, you might — choose each other, over me. And build your own home, together, without me.”
Gods damn it. Raye’s eyes closed, the ache and the misery pummelling against her ribs, because — of course. Of course,that made so much sense, and even explained the twinges of jealousy Kalfr had betrayed over her and Gaelfr, even as he’d so clearly wanted them together. And then tonight, he had… they had…
“And in my fear and my mistrust,” Kalfr choked out, “I betrayed you both. I drove you both away from me. I showed myself unworthy of your trust and your fealty. I…failed.”
I failed. I failed. Words that swayed with dizzying power, with such painful familiarity that Raye wanted to weep. And she could feel it striking Gaelfr too, could feel how deeply he understood it, how he’d perhaps never expected to hear Kalfr speak it.
“I broke the vows I had made to you both, before the goddess,” Kalfr continued thickly. “I drew down her curse upon me, and her just punishment. I lost not only both of you, but my own preciousson.”
Raye flinched, her head shaking against the fur, because no matter what Kalfr had done — what they’d all done — he hadn’t deserved to lose Svein. No one deserved that kind of ceaseless punishment, without any chance of forgiveness.
But the thought twisted strangely in her gut, while Kalfr took a ragged breath, his body quaking against her hand. “And after this, when I swore that vow to guard our kin,” he rasped, “I sought to make amends before the goddess, to prove I could be trusted again, but” — he choked a sad, bitter laugh — “I only failed you both all the worse. I drew down this new curse upon you, and uponSvein. Upon the son I would giveallto save.”
As he spoke, he lurched closer toward Raye in the bed, his head ducking low against hers. And his chest was seizing against her hand — was heweeping? — and Raye’s only refuge was Gaelfr’s strong arm sweeping up across them both, and yanking Kalfr’s body even closer against her. But she could feel Gaelfr’s jagged breaths too, could almost taste his disbelief, echoingsilently with her own. Did Kalfr really think he’d failed, too? He still thought he was failing? That she and Gaelfr couldn’t trust him? That they might even still leave him, for each other?
And also… was that part of why Kalfr hadn’t fought harder for them, or for Svein, during all their years apart? Thinking he didn’t deserve it? That he couldn’t be trusted? That he deserved to suffer, to besacrificed, for his failings toward them?
It was all shouting too loud now, whipping up too much grief and pain, too many new distant nagging questions Raye couldn’t quite grasp. And how could they find their way through it, and she clutched for the memory of the three of them on the altar, the silvery moon high above them, the light of the goddess’ blessing. The certainty she’d felt there. The hope. The forgiveness.
“Well, I failed, too,” Raye whispered, and her hand slipped up, curled against the back of Kalfr’s bowed neck. “And so did Gael. But we’re all together now, aren’t we? We’re all doing our best to meet each other. To trust each other.”
