“Ah, sun? Water?”
“Sun, water, and air together. The absorption of all these things is so essential that any imbalance in the process can lead to variegation or even death of the plant. So as a leaf grows from a seed, it must grow in a way to allow its entire surface to benefit from these elements, right? If it were to grow in a stack, only what’s at the top would benefit. But instead, its surface growth manifests as a spiral, growing outward, which allows for the whole frond to receive light and air and water. You can see the efficiency of this, can’t you? And now when you look around, you’ll find so many patterns just like this one. You’ll see how effective nature can be.” She paused her animated lesson with an embarrassed flush.
Jesstin blew out. “How... How do you know all of this?”
“I was so hungry to learn as a child that my father spent money we didn’t have on a private scholar from Oldcastle. He’d come twice a week and teach me everything the village academy thought too ‘advanced’ for little girls. But I couldn’t get enough of Thomas’s unending knowledge. He had so much in his head, I just wanted to”—she mimed using a pick against his skull—“mine it out and take it all for myself.”
“I had no idea,” Jesstin said in wonder. He could listen to her talk about spirals and nature all night. “That’s incredible.”
“These spirals, not all of them can be explained or predicted neatly with math, but this equation, when you understand it, you can plainly see it when you observe nature in growth. You see, there’s a repeating sequence. This forms the same pattern that you see as a spiral when you look closely at a leaf.”
“I can’t fathom it,” Jesstin said. He thought of how badly he’d wanted to study in Oldcastle, but it was Elloven who should have gone. There was nothing confusing in the way she’d described her math and spirals, but he couldn’t wrap his mind around it. He hadn’t been great with scholastics, no matter how much he’d applied himself. She was built with a scholar’s brain but lacked sufficient opportunities to use it. “El, if you still feel this hunger to learn more, there are women at the universities now.”
She got quiet. Her nods faded. “Do you know what I’ve realized?”
Jesstin waited for her to share.
“I don’t hear any animals here. No crickets. No birds. Do you?”
“Well...” He stopped and gave it more thought. “I’ve never actually seen any animals in the Infinitum at all, only heard them.”
“That’s what I mean. I can’t hear them anymore.”
“Not since we’ve entered the spiral, no.”
“Fewer people too.”
“It’s not very inviting, is it?”
“I can’t shake the sense we’re not meant to be here at all, like when you aim a north end of a magnet to a north end of another magnet. It gets close, but it can’t quite connect. Or... Or maybe a better analogy is how your body fights to push out a splinter. It doesn’t belong, and our biology knows this.”
“Were you just waiting for the right time to show off your incredible intellect?”
She laughed. “Says more about you if you’re only now seeing it.”
“I saw it,” he said before leaning in for a kiss. “I like that you’re so surprising to me. Few things are.”
“Oh, you’re surprised to find I possess intellectual acuity? A diminutive little woman like myself?” Her mouth fell open in exaggerated offense. He kissed her expression away, then the one she replaced it with. “Trying to shut me up? You like your women quiet, eh?”
“Never.” Jesstin rubbed his nose against hers. “I like them just as you are.”
“Mm. Good, safe answer there.” She settled back into his arms.
Their playfulness passed into an easy silence he’d come to look forward to. What a gift it was to simply exist with someone without the need to fill every moment with words. To just be together. He’d stopped obsessing over losing her. It would come. He knew that. But as long as she was there and he was with her, he would hoard all the little moments like the treasures they were.
After a few minutes, Elloven moved out of his arms. “Jess, there’s something I need to say. I’ll just say it once, so if it upsets you, you’ll never have to hear it again.”
“You won’t upset me,” he said to assure her, but he knew better than to make such a proclamation without the facts. “If you do, we’ll get through it.”
Elloven nodded and sat up. “If we survive this... I want to be with you. Really be with you, in an honest way.” When she glanced down at him, her eyes were full of the openness he was so determined to protect. “I know how you feel about relationships, and I’ll respect it if you decide ‘this’ isn’t for you, but I need you to know where I stand, so there’s no confusion. If this is all it will ever be, I’ll learn to accept it. But I’ve never told anyone what I wanted, never asked for anything for myself, and I need to now. I’ll take whatever you feel you can offer, and I won’t expect anything more.”
Her vulnerability became his. His chest ached for them both. He wanted the same thing, more than he’d ever wanted anything. But if he couldn’t yet be fully honest about Gennady, then he couldn’t make false promises either. “El, I don’t think we should make any important decisions until we’re out of here.”
“Of course.” Her nod was vigorous and heartbreaking. “Of course, you’re right.”
Jesstin pulled up beside her. “I love you.” He kissed the corner of her mouth. “I love you so much. I’m not confused about that. But we are literally straddling life and death. You don’t even know how you’ll feel when this is over.”
“You can tell me you don’t want this without telling me how I feel,” she retorted.
