She glanced down in confusion. “What?”
He nodded at her wide seat. “Make room, darling.”
She was too elated to argue, too caught in the luxury of his companionship to weaponize the anger and hurt he’d left her with. The imprint of his hand on her ankle persisted, and the sensation was so wonderful, she could cry, but she really, really didn’t want to. Even with everything he’d said and done, the only thing she wanted was to hug him.
Jesstin climbed in beside her. Though he was much taller and broader, there was room to spare. He faced her, one knee folded on the seat, his other foot touching the floor. His hands seemed to search for something to do before ending up in his lap. “I didn’t think I’d find you so soon.”
“I didn’t expect to see you at all,” she said. The war within her had finally eased off. “Ever again.”
“Didn’t part on the greatest terms, did we?”
“No,” she answered coolly. “We certainly did not.”
“I have something to say, if you’ll hear me.”
She chose not to respond. Pride and relief harnessed the pain, but she knew she couldn’t keep it from her words.
“El?”
She gestured in affirmation.
He nodded to himself with a resigned sigh. “I’m not a good person, Elloven. The people who love me tell themselves what they need to believe otherwise, but there are things I’ve done that would destroy what little faith they still have in me, especially if they knew how shallow my remorse runs.”
Elloven anchored herself against the chair’s arm, a subtle shrink his eyes reacted to.
“I deal in need fulfillment.” Jesstin pushed a slow breath through his pursed lips. “My club is safe. I promise discretion. I stop disruptions before they occur. No judgment slips into any transaction. We might be the fringes and trimmings of society in the eyes of others, but there’s more loyalty and honor in the village than you’ll find anywhere else. My code may not align with most of society’s, but it’s everything to me. I didn’t end up in Mythgarde because nowhere else wanted me; I chose it. I chose everything that came with it. I would choose it again.”
She said nothing. Couldn’t, even if she knew what to say, and she didn’t.
He studied his lap, his upturned palms. A finger twitched, bending inward. “But I have so much rage in me, it had to go somewhere. So I built something real with it, and it’s not mine anymore, but it will outlast me. How many can say this? That while everyone was applauding their failure, they scratched and climbed and rose above their antagonists. How many can say this?”
“I don’t know,” she answered softly, wondering where he was taking her.
“Esmeray is one of the few people who always told me to put my past in a box and seal it, because it wasn’t useful. And then for her to ask me to tear open the box and draw upon the reputation of both my fathers when it benefited her? It was an infidelity to a code only I cared about, it seemed, and she was so damaged, I could only tell her yes.”
“She was desperate.” And likely blitzed out of her mind. “Taven knew for a while what I was going to do to Fabrien and his friends, and he kept it from my mother until he was loading the wagon to come get me. She couldn’t trust him. She didn’t know where else to go.”
“It wasn’t that she asked me, it was why. After all she’d said before, in the end she was no different than the others. So much for the sealed box.”
“She also asked you because she knew you loved Gen.”
His eyes briefly closed. “I needed to paint you a picture of who I’ve been since I was ten years old, to make sense of my words and behaviors, which have been in conflict since I jumped into that carriage.”
Elloven drew her legs up and folded herself around them. She could guess where he was going, and it made her long to hide, to leave, even though it was the last thing in the world she wanted.
“You know, Rhiain, she... She needed to believe I wasn’t who I’d been telling her I was for years, that I was just going through a rough spot but I’d grow out of it. But you...” His lips parted in a wide, emotive laugh, his head lolling back. A tear broke free and rolled from his chin onto his bent knee. “No one had ever made me ashamed of the life I’d made for myself until you. You just took it all, in one look.” His voice broke. “In one fucking look.”
Elloven rolled her lower lip in, shaking her head. “I never wanted that.” He had it all wrong, and that was what she should have said.
“I know.” He slid one hand from his lap to cover one of hers, such a sensitive gesture from such a destructive man. “I’m messing this up. Badly.”
“Just say what you mean, Jesstin.”
“You didn’t do—Elloven, I built an entire life out of being seen as a villain because it was the only way I could keep them from seeing me.”
His experiences were not hers, not the life she’d lived, but she’d molded herself uniquely for each predator. She understood the paradoxical formations required to hide within false safety while choking on the humiliation of them. But that was why Jesstin’s words that night had burrowed so deep. He had seen her and had used what he’d seen to hurt her in a way no one ever had. In the most meaningful way, his betrayal was greater than anything any of the others had ever done. Bones could heal. Hearts weren’t so easily mended.
“What happened that night, in the croft...” A slow swallow moved down his throat. “I wish I could say I was just tired and frustrated, but in those moments... Elloven, I hated you. I hated you for your consistent, stubborn determination to push me to challenge myself, because until you? Until you, not a single person had the power.” His hand clamped tight over hers. “And I needed you to feel that too.”
