“What time is it?”
“A couple of hours yet until dawn.”
She blinked hard. “Did he say why he wanted to go for a walk in the middle of the night?”
“You’re both trying to adjust,” Sesto answered. Maybe it was the maturing of time, or maybe her instincts were right, but his guarded delivery only made her more determined to find Jesstin.
Elloven had been so hurt he’d kept the truth about Gennady from her that she’d convinced herself he was keeping even more secrets. After all he’d done to prove himself, she’d assumed the worst without even giving him an opportunity to explain.
But did it really matter? He’d traveled to the netherworld for her. Brought her back to life. They loved one another. Not everything had to be so bloody complicated.
“Then I’ll take one as well,” she said, undeterred by the concern in Sesto’s eyes. Until she saw Jesstin was truly fine, she’d never relax. “We have so much catching up to do, Sesto, and I sincerely look forward to it.”
Jesstin had found a dry spot in a bog marsh down the hill from the croft. The frogs’ songs and the occasional cresting of snakes and other strange creatures were the only sounds, which left plenty of room for thinking.
He’d spent the past hour contemplating everything Sesto and Daire had told him about his family. The children becoming wives and husbands... wedding into other noble houses, where they’d become the ancestors of stewards and barons. Grandchildren. Great-grandchildren not far off. He wondered what they all looked like, if he’d recognize them on a village road.
But his focus was all over the place, and no matter how hard he tried to redirect them, his thoughts kept drifting back to Elloven.
He hadn’t had the courage to even face her yet—even look at her, to see for himself that she was alive and breathing, that he’d saved her. He’d intended to tell her the truth the moment they were safe, but in retrospect, that was ridiculous. Her recovery was unpredictable. Who knew when she’d even wake. Her body had been suspended by magic for thirty-three years, never moving and never changing. Would she be the same? Would she wake? Walk, talk? Even if all of that worked out perfectly, he still had to get her out of Rivenholde. He couldn’t just walk away after everything and hope she found her way home.
All his rationalizations burned like excuses though. He could find a hundred valid reasons to delay. Problem was, he could no longer tell whether they were for his benefit or hers.
Snapping branches and squishing boots cut through the quiet. He knew it was her. He didn’t need to look.
“Of course you’re in the last place I check,” she said lightly as she made her way to him. “Where are we? I don’t remember this at all.”
She was different. She wasn’t the same at all. No, that wasn’t quite accurate. Yes, she’d changed, but from the Elloven he’d watched die on the stones of the sept. She was exactly the Elloven he remembered from the Infinitum, beautiful and bold and brave and strong, except now she was living, breathing, existing, and he realized, with absolutely devastating clarity, that this was the moment when everything would fall apart.
“We’ve never been here.” His flesh was on fire. Her presence. The anticipation of her absence. His heart was in a kiln. “How are you... feeling? You look...”
“Alive? It will be a while before I’m used to... this... but I’ll get there.” Elloven searched for a place to sit with him. Her face creased in confusion when he stood instead.
“I guess it worked,” he said numbly.
“You guess? Look.” She revealed a small abrasion on her forearm. Light beads of dried blood ran along the scratches. “I ran into some brambles looking for you. Look.”
Jesstin couldn’t stand still. He wasn’t in the right mind for the conversation she wanted. She’d come with expectations he couldn’t meet. He’d returned the woman he loved to life, but he couldn’t find any joy, in any of it. “What am I looking at?” Stop delaying. Stop looking for reasons to keep her.
“The blood.” She waved her arm closer to his face. “It’s red! I mean, of course it’s red. It was always red when I was alive before, but it means this isn’t some wild dream.”
His gut twisted. She was there, she was alive, and she was perfect, but what she could never be was his. What a life they could have made together.
Even the fantasy was a betrayal.
“You did this. I shouldn’t have doubted you. I owe you everything, Jess.”
He could watch her chest rise and fall for hours and hours.
“But at a minimum, I owe you an apology.”
“What?” He shook his head to clear it. “Why?”
“I was emotional, and I never gave you a chance to explain when you told me about Gen, which isn’t how we treat people we love. After all those months we spent learning to communicate, you deserved better than how I reacted.” She pressed her hands to his chest and gazed up at him. How beautiful she was, even with tears glossing her eyes. How broken his heart was, seeing the end before she could. He wasn’t ready. He’d never be ready. “The love I have for you is bigger than that. It comes without conditions. I’m not... This is new for me, Jesstin. Until I met you, I didn’t know love could be unconditional. I certainly didn’t know it could be safe.”
“Fuck,” Jesstin swore quietly. Now she felt guilty? She was worried about what he deserved? “Fuck.”
“What? Why would you say... What’s wrong?” Elloven rested her fingers beneath his chin. “Have you slept at all?”
