I take a deep breath.
“I'm fucking wrecked over Delilah,” I say, the words tumbling out before I can overthink them. “Like, actually messed up about it. I don't even know if I like her or if Ilikedher or... fuck. I don't know. But it's in my head all the time and I can’t escape it.”
Ethan turns to look at me, surprise breaking through his blank expression.
“I can't stop thinking about her,” I continue, the admission feeling both terrible and freeing. “Everything reminds me of her. I saw someone reading abookin CC's yesterday with a label from her bookshop and nearly texted her about it. Just so I could say something to her,anything. How pathetic is that?”
Ethan's silent for a moment, then he puts his arm around my shoulders. It's awkward and stiff, but it's something. I resist the urge to pull away—to make a joke, to pretend I'm fine. Instead, I let myself lean into him, just for a second.
“Not pathetic,” he finally says, voice rough. “Just human.”
We sit in silence for a minute, the distant bass from the party the only sound besides our breathing.
“Paige hurt me,” Ethan says suddenly. “Reallyhurt me. And I know everyone thinks I'm just some idiot who got too attached too fast. The lovesick doofus who can't take a hint.”
“No one thinks?—”
“They do. And it's fine.” He stares down at his hands. “But it wasn't like that with her. I was... different. I felt likemyself, you know? Not the guy who's always cracking jokes or acting like nothing matters. With her, I could just... be.”
I nod, because I do know. That's what it was like with Delilah. Underneath the bickering and the tension, there was this sense that I didn't have to perform. That she saw me, really saw me, and didn't need me to be anything other than what I was.
“Seeing hercheat,” Ethan continues, his voice breaking slightly, “it just... God, it fucked me up. But you know what the worst part was?”
I wait.
“She didn't even try to deny it. Just shrugged and said, 'Yeah, well, we were never going to last anyway.' Said I was just a filler until she found a 'proper man.'” He laughs, but it's hollow. “But we had fun, right? That's what she said. 'We had fun.'”
“Jesus,” I mutter. “That's fucked up, man.”
“Yeah.”
We sit in silence again, but it's different now. Less heavy, somehow.
“I'm sorry,” I say, meaning it. “You deserved better than that.”
Ethan shrugs. “Maybe. Sometimes I wonder if I built it all up in my head, you know? Made it into this epic love story when really, it was just...nothing.”
“It wasn't nothing,” I say firmly. “Not if it felt real to you.”
He looks at me, something like gratitude in his eyes. “Yeah. It did.”
“Then it was real.”
He nods, then nudges my shoulder. “So, what are you going to do about Delilah?”
I sigh, running a hand through my hair. “I don't know. She made it pretty clear she's done. And I…said some fucked up shit to hurt her.”
“But, are you? Done, I mean.”
“No,” I admit. “Not even close.”
Ethan's quiet for a moment, then he sets his cup down beside him. “I think... if things can be okay between you two, if neither of you fucked uptoobadly... you should go for it. Being in love is the best feeling in the world.”
I stare at him, surprised by the sincerity in his voice.
“Even if it wasn't all real with Paige,” he continues, “I'm still glad I felt it. Even for a little while.”
Something in my chest loosens a fraction. “When did you get so wise?”
