I closed my eyes, but the memories still came.
Sitting on the cold apartment floor, the power shut off again. Cradling my baby in the dark, rocking him as he whimpered. The glow of a single candle flickered against his tiny face—his blond hair, his soft little mouth yawning like he had no idea the world outside us was caving in.
I loved him so much it terrified me. And still, with every day that passed, it became clearer that I was failing.
After four weeks, his father was gone. By six, the lights were out, forcing us to sit in the dark. I began having nightmares of his future. Of him waiting in a lobby with melted chocolate on his fingers, wondering why I didn’t come back.
Sobs overtook me. I had held him to my chest, whispering an apology he’d never remember.
He wouldn’t miss me.
And I didn’t want him to.
I wouldn't let him grow up searching for me in the faces of strangers. Wouldn’t let him lie awake at night wondering why he wasn’t enough to make me stay.
So, I made a choice.
I gave him what I never had?—
A stable home.
A mother and father who adored him.
A big sister.
A backyard.
A swing set.
Birthday parties and bandages for scraped knees and a family full of people who would always show up.
He would never be alone.
He would never have to make impossible decisions before he could even spell his name.
He would be safe.
He would be loved.
He would be whole.
A firm hand landed on my shoulder, anchoring me in place. John gently turned me toward him again.
My eyes were glassy with tears, but inside, I felt hollow. “He would’ve been eleven this past August,” I whispered.
“I know,” John said. He was the only one who did.
Voices drifted in from the backyard. Katie and Jake, Tuesday and others… Katie peeked into the room, gave me a soft smile, then slipped away without a word. They all knew I was broken. They pretended not to notice, but they did.
“You were all laughing before I came in?—”
“Don’t.” John’s voice was firm, cutting me off. “We don’t do that here. When one of us is hurting, we all hurt.”
I stiffened, chest rising fast. “This is different.”
“Bullshit,” he said, without hesitation. “You don’t think becoming a dad brought things back for me too?”
I met his eyes, mine burning. “You didn’t give up your child.”
