Swallowing, fighting to breathe, to hold myself together, I meet Ian’s steady gaze and open my mouth, only to close it again as tears begin to clog my throat. Fuck. I…what do I do? Do I strip myself bare? And if so…how?
I think of Lio, of his strength. I remember the comfort Tennant so freely gave me. There’s another fork in the road. I thought I understood it coming in, but fuck, I didn’t. Maybe I couldn’t until someone seems to be holding forgiveness in frontof me, taunting me with promises of a better future if I can be as brave as those around me.
I scrub at my face, trying to erase the tears that are beginning to leak out. Then I force myself to step into the light, to let him see me and the ugly truth that exists in place of a soul. Because I know I’m nothing but a monster, and Lio’s love is the only thing that’s ever redeemed me.
“Honest?” I croak out, a broken laugh escaping me. “How’s this for honesty… I have no clue who I am anymore. I get up every day, even though, at times, I wish I didn’t wake up. I exist only because maybe I can do something for the ones I love. Otherwise, I’m a ghost. Not just to the people who barely tolerate me, but to myself.
“What am I? I have no clue. A broken Master is all I see in the mirror. Lio thinks he needs me, but truthfully? He’d be better off without me. And suddenly, fuck, I even have the urge to kneel for another man. I’ve never been submissive…not really.
“I mean, sure, growing up, but it was always to prepare me to take over, to become the next Il Padrone. A lie. A twisted, grotesque version that never truly fit. Yet, now? Now, I have nothing. I am nothing. I lived for those around me, and they don’t need me anymore. I’m not part of this Family. What can I do? I’m an albatross around their neck. Around mine. And…some days, I struggle to put one foot in front of the other.”
Ian breathes slowly and I try to mimic it, to find a calmness, but it eludes me. “That must be a very painful revelation. Perhaps this journey can be about self-discovery, and who you want to be. But it starts with forgiving yourself…and learning to live for yourself, not others. I need you to be selfish?—”
I snort, interrupting him. “I’m sure everyone would say I’m the most selfish person they know.”
His quelling glare has me subsiding, deferring to him. “As I was saying, I need you to be selfish and think about yourself. Theothers may have seen you as selfish, but I have a feeling, they didn’t get to see the real you. If all you let others see are small slivers of yourself, they can’t form a full opinion.
“So, please, that’s your homework. I want you to do new things—try, dare to fail. And then in the next session, we’ll talk more about it. We’ll also discuss kneeling and how kinks can evolve. One very important thing…the power is much more on the submissive’s side than the dominant’s when it comes to kneeling. Once you learn that, letting go is far easier.”
I don’t say anything. I can’t. Instead, I give in to the confusing, violent swirl of emotions inside me, letting it crash over as I gasp for air between the tears cascading down. I bury my face in my hands and cry silently, my heart screaming, but my mind is oddly empty.
The next thing I know, strong arms envelop me. I don’t look, though. Not when I can hear Tennant’s soothing voice. I grab onto his shirt, clutching it so tightly it might not survive. Maybe if he holds me tight enough, I won’t fall apart completely. Maybe I’ll still exist despite this torrential melee of feels.
Maybe…Fuck. I stifle hysterical laughter, because I swear, that’s one of the few words left in my vocabulary…fuckingmaybe.
Uncertainty is what I have…what I breathe, but if Ian can help me find my way back to living…I’d give anything for that. Fuck, I’ll even offer myself up on an open platter for him to dissect, because maybe I won’t be found wanting for once.Wouldn’t that be a damn miracle?
The driver pulls the car to a stop in front of a dilapidated house. I wrinkle my nose in distaste, wondering how no one has torn such a shack down yet.Mental note: add gentrification to my next campaign platform.I refuse to live in a city with such…low class.
“Would you like me to go get her, sir?”
“No, it's a simple task; I will go take care of it.”
The stupid fake nanny never came for her final payment like she was supposed to. Part of me wanted to wash my hands of her, but I am nothing if not a man of my word, so I will make sure she gets what she's owed, as promised.
Getting out of the car, I casually walk up the gravel drive, the stupid little pebbles announcing my otherwise quiet arrival. No matter, I have nothing to hide.
Stepping onto the rotting porch, hoping it holds my weight, I knock firmly on the door, only to have it open under the force of my fist as it wasn’t closed properly.
Pursing my lips, I decide to take the open invitation, reaching into my inside coat pocket for my gun.
Carefully, I step into the house. Immediately, the smell of mildew hits my nose, making me blanch.
How anyone could live in such squalor… Such a shame. She was good at deception. If she didn’t know too much, she could have made a killing as a spy. What a waste. Though, if this is how she chooses to live, I am doing her a favor by taking her out…
Eyeing the dim front room, I note the overturned coffee table, food and cutlery littering the floor, as if she was going to have dinner—I can’t believe people could eat in this place and not get sick—but got interrupted…
Standing still, my senses alert, I listen for something beyond the ambient sounds of a house and my own breathing. Nothing. Not a single thing can be heard.
Looking back at the door, I study the frame, noting that the latch is broken, and the door is sitting a bit crookedly. Not terribly, but now that I’m aware, I can see it. No wonder it opened so easily…it was already broken.
Striding across the small front room, I head into the tiny kitchen first, then check the bathroom—which isn’t anything more than a shower stall and a toilet—then finally, the bedroom.
Nothing…not a single fucking thing.
Pulling my phone out as I stand in front of the bare mattress that's passing as a bed, I bring up the last number dialed and put it to my ear.
“What can I help you with, sir?”
